Tarheel, just wondering -- in what way would knowing about an A change my game plan? I wonder if there's something more I should be doing... He lives in a different town now, and I'm doing LRT (although I did have to ask for his help with the whole ER situation earlier this week, and we talked for 3 hours, which was definitely not part of my plan).
I'm not instigating contact, but responding in a friendly, lighthearted way to his calls, texts, emails. I'm not initiating opportunities to meet, I try to be first to end calls and meetings. I'm GAL and he knows it. I'm doing 180s (not checking up on him, as I constantly did in the past, not asking about his health, not asking what he's doing, where he's going, not asking about R or M or D or the future), focusing only on D14 issues. Looking good when he sees me.
Is there anything more I can or should be doing if I suspect an A that will make a difference?
I think this is a great plan and if his being involved in an affiar isn't a deal-breaker, it doesn't change anything. (especially as you said later you're no longer having sex with him)
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
On dating, again, that is a personal choice. The advantages are it helps as a bandaid over the hurt and loneliness you are feeling right now. The disadvantages are it prevents you from dealing with the issues right in front of you, as well as working on yourself. It also is not fair to anyone you would date because you are not emotionally available. You are sending the wrong message to a spouse who may want to work things out, but is scared they may have done too much damage. Trust me on that one...I think I am at that point right now myself.
Great advice, Pilot.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thank you, Georgiabelle! I do have fun plans for this weekend and next, thank goodness. I find that I have to make plans for the week when my daughter's away so I don't get mopey.
And I do think it may be a situation where he is idealizing someone else, but I suppose it amounts to the same thing -- at least the result is the same.
Can I ask -- what was the breaking point for you (I see that you filed)?
Was it a single event, or just the cumulative effect of everything? Should I be posting this on your thread instead (sorry, being a newbie, not sure of protocol...)
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thank you, labug. Surprisingly to myself, I don't think A is a deal-breaker. I do think people make mistakes (having made some myself in past relationships). So I guess I'll just stick to my boundaries and see how the next four months pan out. Then wait and see if H initiates dissolution talk at that time. I am so grateful for all the guidance!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
pilot, when you say you are at that point right now, do you mean you think your own dating damaged the possibility of reconciling, or do you mean you're at the point of considering dating? If the former, I'd be interested to know how it caused damage. (Don't worry -- I'm following your advice and not dating, just trying to make sense of it all!)
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I have as slightly different take on this (there is an OW in my case).
I would actually just assume that there is an OW (regardless of whether it is physical, emotional or just idealized as Georgiabelle mentions) and deal with those feelings now rather than live with the "is there or isn't there limbo". In my case, after I had some time to process the BD, it was actually a relief to know, because so many more things that had happened previously finally started to make sense.
In regards to dating - I feel pretty strongly that it's a bad idea. I will admit that about 3 days after BD - in a moment of craziness, I joined a dating website for about 12 hours (it was a little alamrming - all the guys seemed to be toothy triathletes). I don't worry about how H would react, that's on him. But I do know that no matter how well I try to deal with this situation, I am the very definition of vulnerable right now and that is a recipe for disaster.
raliced, you are so right. And I have assumed all along that there is someone else in the picture, one way or another. It just doesn't make sense otherwise. No illusions there!
I am glad for your advice about dating -- I'm in way too vulnerable of a place to make good decisions right now. And dating website are terrifying!
I know I need to learn to be happy and independent on my own. I think I can enter a healthy relationship (whether with H or someone else down the road) if I am happy with myself and not in a place where I feel needy and am looking for someone to "complete" me.
Then again, I wonder... if H comes back to work on R, will I always resent that he had his fun, and I didn't when I had a free pass? Would I be more willing to recommit knowing that we both allowed ourselves to see what life might be like with others, and decided against it? Or would it open my eyes to the fact that I actually might be better off with someone else -- someone who wouldn't abandon me like this?
These are the questions that I'm dealing with, even though I'm committed to not dating at this time.
Last edited by Ahoy; 09/12/1405:09 PM.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Then again, I wonder... if H comes back to work on R, will I always resent that he had his fun, and I didn't when I had a free pass? Would I be more willing to recommit knowing that we both allowed ourselves to see what life might be like with others, and decided against it? Or would it open my eyes to the fact that I actually might be better off with someone else -- someone who wouldn't abandon me like this?
These are the questions that I'm dealing with, even though I'm committed to not dating at this time.
I've had those thoughts too - and for me, I guess if we reconcile, I would probably take more solace in the fact that I dealt with the situation with strength and dignity rather than worry about missed opportunities.
BTW - I wouldn't completely discount dating- if we're a year out from now and still haven't resolved anything - I would probably be more open to it - but I think a significant amount of time would need to have passed since BD and my GAL would need to be fully developed.
