I'm not sure I want to be married to my h who cheated on me.
That sums up most things, why should you be sure? Why should you do all the lifting? Why does it need to be now? Why can't he do some work show some actions first?
All my thoughts and I suspect yours too. Hugs maybell.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Maybell, it's how I think on my h, our stitches are so simlar it just seemed to make sense.
He had his return email last Wednesday which he hasn't replied to. He talks of wanting things done, but yet isn't doing them. They need to sort them selves.
Last edited by Ggrass; 09/12/1409:04 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
You are more than due for some "me time" and there is no pressure that you need to reconcile or focus on your H. Take this time for yourself to focus on you and see what you want and how you feel. You may even go back and forth.
And as others have said or hinted at, DB is not about staying married. It is about handling this crappy stuff in the best way possible. And through that process becoming the best person you can be. In the end you may realize that the best thing to do is to split up. That's fine too!
I honestly have no idea what I want wrt this spouse. I am honestly taking the time right now to understand myself and my boundaries.
I don't expect a reconciled marriage to be happily ever after. I'm not even thinking like that. Really what I'm doing is spending time seeing what others seem to see so clearly, how thoroughly I've lost myself and who I really am. For the attorney to ask if he hit me... That kind of shocked me. I see a lot of patterns in my life and in my H's life that are troubling and require examination.
H at the moment doesn't fit into my picture, but I'm clearly not done so I'm just setting him aside till I'm ready to tackle him.
In any case he hasn't told me about any move to start counseling and if he came begging for a reconciliation tomorrow I wouldn't believe him without it. Probably would only half believe him with it.
Infidelity is the stinky, moldy, tarry pits.
But let it be known -- I am MAYBELL, and I will THRIVE. I'm just taking some overdue me time.
I AM MAYBELL! Hear me ROAR!
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath Scared to rock the boat and make a mess So I sat quietly, agreed politely I guess that I forgot I had a choice I let you push me past the breaking point I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything ... I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire 'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar Louder, louder than a lion
With homage to the Helen Reddy version of the same sentiment.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yep, all good. H's turn to keep the kids this weekend, but they have a big sports thing so I've seen him all morning. First time he's seen me with my ring off. He didn't say anything but I saw him check and he looked startled. I've been friendly but remote, not sitting next to him. He sent several texts yesterday, one with a flyer to a concert "I can't go because I have the kids that weekend but you might like to" and a Facebook post that referenced something I've been doing with the kids. He's tried to catch my eye a couple of times and when he does I return his smile. I feel a great relief of the pressure to attract him. If it happens naturally we'll see what happens but for the moment it's nice to not be focused on him (even though that whole list makes it sound like I have been).
I have a job interview on Tuesday and a few other things that are very encouraging have been happening in that area too. I'm not excited about the Tuesday one and was worried about what I'd do if offered the job, which made me aware of how weak my boundaries are. So that will be a practice in a couple of ways.
All good things!!
Last edited by Maybell; 09/13/1404:11 PM. Reason: Spelling
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I want to clarify this: You apologize for a lot of things. We have no dog in this fight other than wanting you and your kids to be OK. Let go of the misplaced sense of responsibility to us.
That was rather inartfully stated.
You aren't responsible for our my feelings or anyone else's, here or IRL. If I would feel disappointed in a choice you made, that's about me and my need to control, or feelings or superiority or god complex, whatever. those feelings are mine, all mine, rising from my stuff.
There's only one person you need to answer to, you.
If you take a situation and really tease that out, it can bring so much relief and clarity.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug, I hear you. That was part of my realizing my weak boundaries -- that I apologize for making the choices that are best *for me* almost every time I'm bold enough to do it. That also was a big part of my dissatisfaction in my marriage, that I resented my H & my kids for ignoring boundaries that I didn't have the nerve to hold firmly. Also that I am excessively outward-motivated, rather than from within. That's my priority area for growth/180, whatever you want to call it. A lot of things will fall into place for me as I start making progress there.
Wherever that fear came from, I'm a big girl now and it's time to take responsibility for myself.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
