to wait or not to wait

[Ahoy]

I have another question. (I think I already know the answer, but am wanting to confirm.)

Because my H has followed the script (ILYBNILWY, moving out, taking off ring, says he will be "dating"), I suspect that his bomb drop was precipitated by PA or EA.

When (pre-DB) I asked him if that were the case, and that I would understand if it were (it would make more sense than the lame excuses he was offering), he got angry and accused me of "fishing." So it seems that he must feel guilty (otherwise, why the anger). So he denies that something is going on, but my gut tells me otherwise.

So it seems that when PAs or EAs are exposed, sometimes that makes things worse -- gets the WAH to file for D; and sometimes is makes him come to his senses sooner, since he has to face the music.

I know for my own sanity it is probably best not to pry and not to know, right?

I haven't been asking questions or making demands of him, and from everything I've read it's best not to.

So I just need confirmation -- it's best to leave this alone, right? and not press for answers to whether or not there is OW?

Also, since he will be dating, should I? I feel that it's wrong, that daughter would be unhappy about it. But I also don't want to regret wasting time not having fun, not keeping the door open to other romantic possibilities if this M doesn't work out.

I've been going to Meetup groups, and am getting interest from guys. My instinct is to make friends, but keep any new relationships platonic until after D (assuming that happens). That would be the right thing to do, right?

[Tarheel]

I know for my own sanity it is probably best not to pry and not to know, right?

Continuing to pester you H for answers is not going to work. He'll continue to deny and will only find your behavior as needy and clingy, which will turn him away from you. As far as snooping to determine if H is having an A, I think you'll find different opinions on here. Some say not to snoop, while others (I believe Starsky) say that it's better to know what you're up against. I favor that approach because I think it changes your game plan should you know there is an A ongoing. That's up to you though.

Also, since he will be dating, should I? I feel that it's wrong, that daughter would be unhappy about it. But I also don't want to regret wasting time not having fun, not keeping the door open to other romantic possibilities if this M doesn't work out.

Also a personal decision, but if your goal is to re attract and eventually R with H, it's probably not a good idea to get involved with another man. You're basically saying you don't want H to be involved with someone, yet it's ok for you to do it.

[SunnyB]

Ahoy, would it make any difference, to you, if you knew? In my case, I know there is an OW. But outside of the initial question of does she exist and are you sleeping with her, I have not asked a single question about her, I have no idea who she is, where they met, how old she is, where she lives, if she has kids, when he sees her. She is beneath my curiosity level, and I don't want my brain polluted with details that I will have to try and forget later.

My personal opinion on dating is that I won't do it as long as I am M, that's not right for me, and I don't want my kids to think that married people should be dating others under any circumstances. I also don't think it's fair to the person you are dating. What would you do if you really liked him and then H decided to work on your M? How is that any better than what our WAS are doing to us? I know others may not agree, totally fine, but that's where I stand.

[Ahoy]

Thank you for that, Tarheel and rppfl. You've confirmed what I've been thinking all along. You're right -- it would do me no good to try to get him to confess to OW, and the less I know the better for my own sanity. Part of me would like to know, of course, because it would make it easier for me to detach, but I could easily end up fixating on the OW, which would not be healthy. It just bugs me that H is lying to all about what's really behind his sudden move because he doesn't want to look like a bad guy. I'm sure his speedy exit is because he want to sleep with someone else in "good conscience" (not while home with me). Oh well.

And you're right about dating -- it would not be fair to that person, does not fit with my morals, and I'm definitely not in the right place for that, nor do I think it's right to date while M. However, my H has made it clear that he will be dating, so that is hard. I guess I will go out with people as part of my GAL plan, but make it clear that it will be only platonic, as I'm still M.

[Ahoy]

Tarheel, just wondering -- in what way would knowing about an A change my game plan? I wonder if there's something more I should be doing... He lives in a different town now, and I'm doing LRT (although I did have to ask for his help with the whole ER situation earlier this week, and we talked for 3 hours, which was definitely not part of my plan).

I'm not instigating contact, but responding in a friendly, lighthearted way to his calls, texts, emails. I'm not initiating opportunities to meet, I try to be first to end calls and meetings. I'm GAL and he knows it. I'm doing 180s (not checking up on him, as I constantly did in the past, not asking about his health, not asking what he's doing, where he's going, not asking about R or M or D or the future), focusing only on D14 issues. Looking good when he sees me.

Is there anything more I can or should be doing if I suspect an A that will make a difference?

[bdub]

Gathering intel, aka snooping, is a pretty grey area. If you do, you have to be strong and detached so it does not alter the way you are acting. I know personally I tried and I just could not handle it. It triggered anxiety, fear and anger. As Starsky has mentioned on other threads, having that intel can be a powerful tool.

[Tarheel]

I'm going to give you the Starsky speech and ask you a question- Are you ok with living in an open marriage?

If the answer is yes, then it does no good to snoop or ask questions about a potential OW. Continue to GAL and wait it out, hoping the 'possible' A dies a natural death.

If the answer is no and you're able to snoop (may be difficult since he lives in a different town) and find concrete evidence of an ongoing A, you give the 'I'm not willing to live in an open M' speech to H. Buuuut, you have to be willing to back up those words with the appropriate action. Trust me, it does no good to make that 'threat' if you're unwilling to back it up.

^^^This falls in line with what advice Starsky gave me, but only you can make the decision.

[pilot]

Ahoy,

You ask a lot of the questions many of us did when we first got here. I will try to answer them the best I can, but by no means am I the absolute final source for answers

On confirming the OW side. Do you NEED to know? By that I mean is your H having an OW a deal breaker? If so, then yea, you probably might as well know now. If not, then leave it alone. Right now your emotional state is extremely fragile, and the details of OW are going to really play havoc. Truth be told, IF there is OW in your Hs life, there is really nothing you can do about it right now anyways. Exposing him if he is having an A usually does not go the route of setting him on the path to redemption. It usually sends them in the opposite direction due to shame, guilt, and more often than not, the LBS reaction to the affair.

On dating, again, that is a personal choice. The advantages are it helps as a bandaid over the hurt and loneliness you are feeling right now. The disadvantages are it prevents you from dealing with the issues right in front of you, as well as working on yourself. It also is not fair to anyone you would date because you are not emotionally available. You are sending the wrong message to a spouse who may want to work things out, but is scared they may have done too much damage. Trust me on that one...I think I am at that point right now myself.

I am not up to date on your situation as I type this. However, since this is relatively new to you, I would hold off on the dating. There is no problem with you making a new group of friends. Even friends of the opposite sex. But believe me, your H will notice, and your H will assume you are dating, even if you are not. Your H will want to justify his actions, and even if your H is having an affair, they will accuse you of being the one who is unfaithful to the marriage. I know, it makes no sense. In some cases, it can snap the spouse back to the person they walked away from. In others, it can create a case of one-upsmanship where they now believe it is ok for them to do openly what they have already done in secret. And that will most likely cause you more hurt than happiness you will get from a rebound date.

Just my thoughts.... Good luck!

[Ahoy]

Thank you all so much! I have a lot to think about now.

I guess the bottom line is that I should leave it alone for now. I think (mind reading) the reason he's not admitting to the suspected A is that he wants to leave his options open in case it doesn't work out and he wants to return home. So me finding out and confronting would jeopardize that, and probably push him into her arms further.

pilot -- that is an interesting dichotomy. For some, the WAS gets jealous if the LBS is dating, but that does seem like game playing to me -- something that has NEVER interested me. But I do want friends, so I guess if I want to hang out (in a platonic manner) with someone of the opposite sex as part of GAL, I should just do it discretely so H doesn't read anything into it? It feels sneaky, though.

The problem is that all my friends are coupled up or have families and can't go out regularly. And the people who approach me at Meetups as potential friends are guys (who, let's be honest, are probably looking for more). I wonder if it would be appropriate to go out with them as friends if I make it clear that I am in no way interested in a romantic relationship while still married?

Basically, my H wouldn't say that he wanted a D right away, but all signs pointed in that direction (he was looking into buying a house on his own a week after BD). I told him I wasn't interested in getting a D this year, and that I felt we should take our time. I told him, however, that if he didn't want to be in this R, I wasn't going to try to force him and would grant him a dissolution as early as January if that's what he decides he wants.

Now he thinks of me and treats me like a friend, tells our daughter he thinks of me like a family member (sister or mother), even though we ML twice after BD! (Not doing that again -- boundaries, and don't want an STD, thank you.)

On one of the other threads I read that it was helpful to think of yourself as already divorced in order to really detached, and I think that is where the questions about dating come from . . .

And let's be honest, it would feel great to have those emotional and physical needs met, and exciting to have them with someone new, even.

Anyway, when H said he would be dating, I told him in response that I planned to be "social," but was not looking to replace him, find a soul mate, or ML because that would be adultery.
He agreed vehemently that he would not be ML to others also, "because that would be illegal!" He said it in a crazy amped up way that made me think he was guilty... Sigh.

I really appreciate all the feedback.

I was bad about following advice before, so the extra push to stick to the plan is VERY helpful.

[Georgiabelle]

Ahoy,

It's pure speculation although it's possible your h isn't having an A. However, he may be idealizing someone already in his mind and he is looking to pursue that.

That's the thing. At BD, they look at it as their official proclamation they are single even though they left emotionally quite a while before.

Take care of yourself. Have some fun this weekend:-)