Wife Still in MLC but has now left #4

[LoisB]

Matt,

What are you doing with all this rage? I hear rage. A lot of it. What are you going to do with it? How are you going to let it out?

Right now, it sounds like you are a pinata and she just keeps taking swings with her big ol' bat.

You have every right to be angry. You have been treated terribly. I'm so sorry all of this has happened. I know you must feel powerless, but you're not.

What a about a time out from W? What about no contact except via email and no other communication or contact? I think you need to detox. Just my .02 cents.

[uRworthy]

Standing doesnt mean you give into everything and anything. This should never be at the expense of you.

The divorce is a business deal in which you should be fair AND protect yourself and your children. You should act in a way that is condusive to who you want to be.

You keep having expectations where she is concerned. You have to stop that and do what you need to do.

Be the man you want to be. Show your children how to navigate through life's problems with dignity and strength.

Do what you need to in order to take care of you and them.

Understand that she is not going to act in the way you think she should. She is in crisis. That means she is all about her. Succks but that's the way it is.

You need to really and truly get your mind around that, Matt, or you are going to just keep going round and round.

[AJM]

Know what I hear? I hear you had expectations that weren't met. And you're angry about it. You expected her to keep her word and she didn't. You are angry about that.

But if you step back a little, you may see the bigger picture. You may be able to see what's important to you, vs. the expectations of how your W will act. Vs. what you want and what you need.

Your marriage as you know it is over. Period. Your W is not somebody you know nor can trust. Period.

So now what? Do you get angry and aggressive? Do you become or remain passive?

Those are really the questions you're asking, Matt.

But honestly, it comes down to what you need going forward.

Am I just angry due to her not keeping her word so not seeing this right?

Yes, you are angry. Rightfully so, but what to do about it?

If you look at the longer term view, I think you'll see what you need to do that's right for you, vs. what you may have been doing for the short term.

The sooner you stop believing she's going to keep her word (a nut-job keeping their word? During a divorce? Really??) the sooner you can move to do what is right for you and your daughters.

Your W is going to get angry. She's going to fight for what she wants. She is going to try all kinds of thing to get them. She's going to blame you, make up things you may have never done, etc. She'll act nicely when she wants something. In short, she'll continue to do what has worked for her in the past.

I suggest you rip those buttons out of the socket and remove that ability. The money? The house? Things Matt. In time, she'll let those things go if they are too difficult to go after.

Figure out what you will and won't do and the cost you're willing to pay to do or prevent them. Then take your actions. Without emotions.

In negotiation, emotion is your enemy. Not the other person. Emotion. And time is your friend. Remember that, Matt. It's important.

Start with expecting her to do whatever she is going to do. You'll either have your expectations met or be pleasantly surprised, but you'll stop worrying about it. You'll stop thinking and acting like she is going to be reasonable etc. She's already proven that's not going to happen.

Remember also that she is trying to heal herself. Sometimes at your expense. You aren't helping if you enable that. You aren't helping if you are trying to help.

It's time for you, Matt, to do what is right for you and reset your expectations to zero.

Expect her to try and take advantage. Expect her to lie. Expect her to try whatever she can to get what she wants at this point in time.

But whatever you do, step back and see the bigger picture before it kills you with anger and frustration. It's not worth that.

AJ

[juliegayle]

Matt. Sorry about the latest developments. None of it is surprising considering what you have posted about your wife.

The time out sounds like a good idea. Keep communication to a minimum and only about your ds. Let all the business of D be handled by lawyer.

What do you think will happen if you bring out your journals about her depression. Has lawyer advised about this? How much do your ds already know about her condition?

[Matt165]

Heather, Ur, AJ...thank you. You are so very right. It's just so hard to want to do the right thing, take the high road and at the same time "take off the gloves". It's just so hard to look at my W and see the evil, valueless person she has become. The unbelievable selfishness. I tried so very hard to see her as in "crisis", in pain. Now I need to forget all that, realize that like a drowning person her pain and fear will take everyone around her that tries to save her down with her. She will listen to a man that took everything from her mother, her brother and even herself. He tells her that she's just looking out for herself, that she, like him, "deserves" everything she can get and she has become just like him. She has forgotten her own mother and now calls the woman who broke up her parents M "mom". She uses the fact that she knows I will do what's best for my D14 to just blow her off, knowing I will be there to take up the slack without a single thought. Come to my home, eat my food, pretend to be decent so I would allow her to get even more "stuff" that she doesn't need or deserve. She feels zero guilt, zero thoughts that she was "wrong" to leave a 21 year M or any thought of the damage she has caused. I will not allow her to just get away with this. I will use any means I can find to stop her.

Julie,
I have been trying to not speak to her about the D at all and just allow my lawyer to take care of it. I will not initiate any contact with her that's certain. I wouldn't have anything good to say anyway. As for the journals and calling my W's mental state into the process, I haven't yet spoken to him about that. I just found the journals this last weekend before I heard from my lawyer. I will bring it up tomorrow when I speak with him (or his assistant). My D's know about it. My D19 remembers her mothers actions and to this day thinks of her mother as "undependable". She remembers waiting for her mother to pick her up when she was in Middle school until it was dark and she was all alone because she "forgot" or was "busy". As for D14, she doesn't remember very much as she was younger and didn't get the brunt of her mothers sickness. Right now I really think my D14 likes the fact that her mother has more income to spend on her than I do and that she lives so close to her school. It helps her think things are fine with her mom because I have come to rescue her when her mother has not cared enough to bother putting herself out for her. Like giving her rides to school and picking her up when it was really hot or raining. She just sees that I will be there to take up the slack when her mother doesn't bother, just like I have been doing for years. Of course she doesn't mind staying with her mother, she knows she still will have me if she needs me! Also it's only been a month that she has been switching, too soon to realize what a pain it is. Too soon to see that her mother wants to control where she goes for holidays, when she can go on vacations, where she has to be and when. One of the things we agreed to was she wouldn't put all those type of things in the decree. That we could be "flexible" but just like everything else, she put her every move in the decree! As for what she will think if her mothers mental state comes out, I guess it's better than being stuck with a mother unable to handle taking care of her!

Thanks everyone. I'm beginning to get a handle on this. Just another ruined day because of my W's crap! I will not let her into my head anymore. I will insist that my lawyer start to fight harder!

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

Look at your response and critique it as if someone else here wrote it and what would be your response to them. Look at your words describing your wife and ask if these are the words of someone who has detached. What would be your advice to that person? After reading your own response would you ask this person why they spend so much of their response writing about their wife?

Matt, you are building up so much anger within yourself and we all know this by your venting here. Venting is good as long as it is not consuming you. Right now you are and you are spewing all around. You are allowing things to happen to kep feding that anger. You need to let it go some how.

Let me make a few suggestions. I would suggest that every time you get angry at your wife that you write it out on a piece of paper and put it in a jar. At the end of the week empty the jar out and read all your notes for the week. If any are important towards your divorce set those aside in a file. Regarding the remainder, come here and post one venting post for the week and get it out of your system. Once you have posted your vents then go get a match and light your notes on fire to remove them from your life. The remainder of the week vow to only post about what you are doing for yourself and your daughter without a single word about your wife. It will be hard, but your really need to let most of it go or it will eat you up. This doesn't mean that if a crisis comes up that you can't write about it, just don't make everything a crisis.

[mirage]

Matt,

There is a light at the end of your tunnel. You don't happen to see it at this point because it's covered up by the anger, by the disdain you have for your wife.

AJM has laid it out for you. Take the high road, do what is necessary for your kids. He can show you the map but.....he can't walk it for you. I have been there as well similiar to AJM. I can look back and say it was hard but now looking back it was worth it. My kids see the lessons they learned from it. I didn't even have to tell them. THEY SAW IT FIRSTHAND.

BE THAT GUY!! DAMN, you so hard on yourself. I get it that your wife is a nutjob. I had one too! but.....you put to much power into her actions! Only you can take that power away and put it back into yourself.

It starts with a step in right direction.

Mirage

[Matt165]

Rough night last night! After finally getting to sleep, I was woken up by a very loud mouse chewing somewhere very near by! Ah, the fun of country living!

Thanks LT and miage,
I do understand what you are saying and as I try to step back, lower the anger levels, detach, I find myself having to fight battles that I already have fought , that I thought were behind me. It seems I just can't make any progress forward and must keep having to go back and re fight things that I truly thought were settled. It doesn't help that I found my old journals and have been reading just how much pain and trouble my W put all of us through back in 2006-2010 when she was "clinically depressed". I had forgotten just how bad things had become with my W. How she stopped being anything. She wasn't a wife, she wasn't a mother, she was hardly a person! Without me she couldn't have survived, she would have had to be put away or go stay with a relative as she couldn't take care of herself, let alone 2 D's under 13 years old. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I had real reasons to leave her back then. No one would have blamed me for just giving up on her. But I wasn't going to do that. I wasn't going to abandon her when she needed me most, no matter how she was acting. What's my 'reward'? A selfish, two faced overly entitled child who holds her breath if she doesn't get her way and is reliving her childhood with a new mommy and a daddy that loves her. Who wants to have her d14 but not do what she needs for her, she can still count on me for that.

So far in this D, it's like the end of our M. She does whatever she wants, doesn't take responsibility for the day to day things for her D14 and gets away with it because she knows I'll still step up and do the things for her just like I have always done. I only allowed her to put my D14 into a school 30 miles away because from the start she said I was going to get the house. I thought that the fact that my D14 would at least have something that hadn't totally changed in the last year, an island of stability in a sea of change. She lives 7 days in one place, the next 7 30 miles away! She can never settle down and just have some stability in her life! It's like she is always half packed and after only 3 weeks is already getting tired of it.

All my greatest fears are coming true, one by one. My W isn't stepping up to be a "better" mother and is using the fact that I will take care of doing things like take her to the eye Dr., pick her up for school, even when she is with her mother and she should be doing these things, she has taken advantage of me trying to be reasonable "for the sake of the kids". It just seems like I'm being punished for trying to be a good husband and father.

I need to take away her power. To do that I need to think in ways that I'm not used to thinking. Like how to get over on my W. How to lie to her face while I'm doing the opposite behind her back, like she is doing to me. It's not in my nature to act this way. I'm a very up front do what I say kind of person. I need to think outside my usual ways and think what will make my W understand just how awful she is acting. I still refuse to put my D14 in the middle even though it seems her mom isn't above doing that. Other than that, I will need to do whatever it takes. If that means hurting my W by bringing out things she'd rather keep private, that is her fault for backing out of her agreements. If you can't keep your word, you shouldn't expect to not have to pay.

I need to sit down and rebutt everything that my W's lawyer said in his response. Just the facts and not the distortions. I need to find my calm center and just take this step by step.

Thanks guys. I really do know that I'm tearing myself up inside by letting all this get to me. I just find it so very hard that my W no longer can think of what's best for anyone but herself, even her D14 isn't as important as her getting what she feels so entitled to for no real reason. At first I thought that maybe she really felt that she was doing what SHE felt was best for her D but now I know it was never that. Time to just get centered and act.

[mirage]

Matt,

^^^^^^^^^^^ what you wrote up there.

Word for word describes my EXW.

What's the difference? I don't give her the power. I took it back. Was it easy? H-ll no it was not. Did it take some time? Yes it did, too long but......

When you get there it is worth it. You stop living a life in reaction to them. You start living your own life on your own terms.

I'm not perfect. I still reflect very rarely about my exw's life but its in relation to how my son's or daughter are still affected. I'm past that but they are not totally past that. So I reflect on how they may be thinking and I validate and support them in dealing with a crazy, insane woman who they know used to be there mom.

Keep trying everyday to take that power you have given her and it will slowly flow back to you.

Mirage

[Matt165]

Thanks mirage!
One step at a time! It would be so much easier if it wasn't for my D14 being stuck in the middle but that's how it is and I must deal with reality. I will say this...when D14 came home with me Saturday she was in a foul mood, hated her school, hated everything! Over the last week she has been with me she has started smiling and is more talkative and yesterday hung out with a new friend after school at Denny's and I picked her up there. Just seems that she is much more happy and open when with me. She is what keeps me going! She and her sister are my muses and I know that whatever happens, I will always be part of their lives because I am there for them now when they really need me.

Today I take my power back!