PERSEVERANCE is Stubbornness.... with a Purpose.

[Ggrass]

All I can so is sit here and laugh shining right along with you, most certainly not at you.

Row your boat, hokey pokey and the chicken dance all are great mlc gal activities.
When they fail try I'm exhausted from the emotional abuse she dishes up, a spew on the lbs, or some stalking bahviour.

Seems we have lots of ow, I cannot keep up, I simple have no time. I work atm about 46 hours per week plus an hour and a half driving return.

Hands shining the matches and lighter fluid have a mlc funeral pyre, nice and dramatic gives great warmth and will make sure you have plenty of hot fire men to supervise it for you.

All positive in my book! Douh, me I'm thick. Johnny dep look alike asked me out, very cool shuttle and I said? .? Nothing to encourage him, update on the thread.

[uRworthy]

Sorry I didnt let those things slip by....NOT! LOL!

So, fear was, and still is at times, my biggest problem, hurdle, nemisis. It is my kryptonite for sure.

I had it all...fear of failure, fear of success, fear of abandonment, fear of disapproval. There wasnt a fear I didnt feel.

I wanted to find out why I was so fearful. My therapist and I talked about it ad naseum. It had to do with my childhood, of course, and a whole host of other things.

Because of my mom's drinking I learned to always wait for the other shoe to drop. If she was in a goofy happy drunk mood when we got home from school, that meant we had 15-20 minutes of time before it would change dramatically. If she was grumpy ,we had less time. The next day she'd act as if nothing bad or violent had occurred the night before so I learned to not trust my perceptions...and instead to trust my fears.

At one point, my therapist said, "Sometimes it doesnt matter why you fear because knowing why isnt going to make it stop. Just doing it is what is. Just walking into it. Facing it. Realizing that regret is bigger than fear. Understanding that most of what we fear doesnt come true. Sometimes you just have to take the first step even when you dont see the whole staircase."

I would be lying if I told you that was all it took. I would be lying if I told you that I still dont have fear.

But I feared I wouldnt make it through this and I did.

I think you should explore the feelings you have, S. Try to dig deep. Write it all down. Go back to when you first remember feeling that way. It's important to try to understand and its important to just walk through it.

[Shining]

Fear is an excellent place to start.... Deep breath...yeah, I have work to do.

Funny, though... Growing up? I was FEARLESS. Mom called me "monkey" because I climbed EVERYTHING I could, in the house, at the store, in the yard... Then, for some reason, I had to hang upside-down. I was a weird kid, lol. I loved heights. I was a complete dare-devil, adrenaline junkie. I also talked to strangers. All of them. Introduced strangers to other stranger. Who did I think I was? Omg... But I didn't like men with mustaches, lol. I had no fear about anything. I had other issues as a kid.... But fear wasn't one.

Fear came later.

And it hit hard. I feared my 1st h. I can't think of anything that scared me before him. I had been through a ton of stuff before he came along, but none of that scared me... I was still brave, strong and confident. Crud.

I'm gonna take a second and think about this one because I'm getting upset and I need to sit in it and figure out why. More later...

[uRworthy]

I'm sorry you are getting upset...and then I'm not, ya know? You are digging in here, S. But you can do this. No one can hurt you unless you allow them to.

So, when you are ready, if you are ready...we can talk this out or not...your choice. I will understand and support whatever you choose.

In the meantime I wanted to share another fear of mine. Fear of the loss of me. Yea, that was a big one. That one came true. It was as bad as I imagined, too. But I found me, thank God, and I wont ever lose me again.

I wanted to tell you how special I think you are, S, and how brave and funny and interesting you are, too.

This is a journey you were meant to go on. I know it deep in my soul. It's gonna be quite the ride, but, I am excited for you.

[Shining]

Thank you, uR. Naw, it's ok, I've been upset before. Lol. I just needed to clear my head because I stunned myself. Sometimes out of nowhere stuff gets unburied...

Interesting that you mentioned fear of loss of you... That's EXACTLY what I did. Twice, perhaps....jury is still out....

But, backing up a bit....

So, my parents announced they were getting a D, on my 18th birthday. Mom used to deny the date coincidence, but that isn't something one forgets. There was A LOT of baggage that came up...suddenly. My brother and I had discovered the previous summer while snooping through old file cabinets, that we had a half sister. WHAAAATTTT???? My dad fathered a child before marrying my mom. He didn't find out until the child was around 10, but mom and dad had to pay child support after dad was served. He didn't contest it. Mom resented. They hid that from us. Hey, it was the 70's, and that's what ya did, right? Who knew? Family secrets??? Pssshhh.... Those were for other families.

Senior year, my dad had lost his job, and his ability to work, due to his alcoholism. Mom acted out, got p-oed, filed, and checked out. Then she dated....everyone. We listed our house, and mom and I moved into one apartment, and brother and dad in another apartment. This was my senior year, just before graduation. I was sooooo ashamed. I didn't want anyone to know. So I didn't tell anyone. I tried to stay under the radar, and pretty much disappeared from everyone I knew after we moved.

Seeds planted : fear, shame, abandonment, insecurity, trust gone...for starters....

[uRworthy]

Im sorry, Shining. That's a whole lotta crap to have to deal with at a young age....and an important one in the life of a young woman.

Yep, I had some of the same seeds planted. It's safe to say that your sense of worth was challenged, to say the least.

I know that mine was. While I loved my xh very much, I believe that who I was at the time directly correlated with whom I chose as I husband.

So, the seeds were planted and then you went out into the world.....

[juliegayle]

Shining just caught up on new thread. Wish we could sit down over coffee and compare notes. Not that it is "nice" to see the similarities between my h and your xh but it does make me feel less crazy

And the whole conversation about fear. I am so there. When I first started looking within and realizing that I was a control freak I worked real hard to fix it. Yoga meditation and meds. I am so chill now. Everyone but h noticed a difference. But that was only the tip of the iceberg and I had to figure out why I was so controlling and it came down to fear. I don't remember any fear before s was born and we thought he might not survive. Now I am afraid of everything. Like UrWorthy said... fear of failure fear or success fear of change and fear that things won't change. I am completely stuck on an exercise in a workbook I am doing about my needs being met in childhood.

You had some good realizations you mentioned in your last post. It is hard work. It will take a long time. But I have to believe we will be, better and stronger for it.

[Shining]

Yep. Went out in the world. Mom met now stepdad.... After 6 months or so. Meanwhile... Ok, thankfully this is anonymous... I graduated high school and proceeded to date one of my teachers..... For a short time. Said teacher was much more serious than me, and I wanted nothing to do with THAT.... but it kinda messed with my head... It was as if all I thought I ever knew, wasn't.

Mom told me after 9 months in that apartment, that she was moving in with stbh... And I was "allowed" to finish the lease for the last 3 months, but would then need to find a home. I moved in with my grandparents, my boyfriend's parents, my boyfriend, my mom, my dad, my boyfriend again, my mom again, and an apartment with friends....this pattern went on, a total of 16 times. Until I met h #1.

[Shining]

I met xh on Valentine's day = must be fate! (you know, hearts and stuff).
I'm so special you stalked me and followed me back to my friend's apartment= GOT to be fate because no one's EVER done this before!!!! .
H was in a "rescuing" profession= I needed to be rescued = it's even MORE fate!
Omg, H birthday is the SAME as my grandfather??? = TOTALLY meant to be.
Oh, you're adopted but of course, you have completely worked through any potential abandonment issues, your mother had suicidal bi-polar disorder, electro shock treatments, your dad had 3 quadruple bypass surgeries and suffered migraines and was MIA for years?? And all that is unresolved??? Where do I sign up???

Oh, I hit the lottery.

[Shining]

Haha.... Whoooops! Forgot to mention the fascination with guns....

Must have blocked that one out.