It has officially been over a week since I've had any contact with W. I've confirmed with a mutual friend that W no longer has my keys. People have been good about not asking what's going on.
It's been over two weeks since I've heard W's voice, but that doesn't mean much, since she wasn't exactly being someone I wanted to hear from at the time.
It has been over three weeks since we've exchanged friendly contact.
It will be 4 weeks on Wednesday since I've last laid eyes on W. That was the last time I saw her, the last time we touched, and the last time she had anything encouraging to say. Really, that was the last time we were friends.
It has been over 5 weeks since we've had fun together, and had short moments that felt like how it did in the good days. It's also been over 5 weeks since we've acted in any way like the partners we once were.
It's been over 3 months since she started seriously considering moving back west to be with her sister and mother. As of the last time we spoke about this, she's no longer considering the move. It's also been just over 3 months since I celebrated our anniversary alone for the first time.
It has been almost 7 months since I've celebrated my first Valentine's day without her in a decade.
It has been over 8 months since I've celebrated my first Christmas without her in a decade.
It has been almost 10 months since I've celebrated my first birthday without her in a decade.
It has been almost 12 months since we've had our last dance.
It has been almost 14 months since the BD.
We're coming up on a year since I last saw the woman I remember. I actually remember seeing her disappear, back in very early October of last year. She was there one moment, then she was on the phone, and then she was gone. As I approach the one year anniversary of that moment, I'm finding it progressively more difficult to hold myself together. I know I'll get through it, but the next few months are going to be rough: Her birthday, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas...
I don't think I will see her or speak to her until after her birthday. It's very nearly my turn with our pets, but I don't want to take them from her before her birthday. This will be the first year I haven't gotten her a gift since I met her, which feels really weird. I feel like I'm so behind in finding a card, and a gift, and getting it wrapped and hidden away where she won't find it (because she always finds it, and she always figures out what it is, no matter what I do!).
One thing I haven't felt through all of this is lonely. I don't remember the last time I felt lonely. But with the celebration season rapidly approaching, and my fears about making sure I get everything done, and done right, having not gotten the memo about there being nothing to do this year... I'm finally starting to feel it.
I feel alone. Unappreciated, unwanted, and alone.
I've been dealing with a lot of grief lately. Grief that I haven't allowed myself the time to experience. The healing process that was cut off when W came back into my life late last fall has started up full swing, and I have been grieving for oh so many losses that I just had to brush aside amid all of the crises of the past year and a half. The death of my grandmother, the death of one of our pets, unexpected curveballs on the career front, and finally the shattering of my marriage... I finally have the time and space to deal with these, and they're running roughshod. I've been bouncing between the bargaining, depression, and anger stages of grief pretty violently lately, and it's getting really, really exhausting.
Me: 31 W: 31 T: 10 years CL: 7 years IDLY: 01/13 Sep: 07/13 I Moved out: 10/13 W Currently seeing OM Pets, but No Children
Spacey, you are doing a good thing in your post in counting the losses that your break-up has caused. It helps to write it out, and let your emotions start healing by getting them out. I'm told that a person keeping everything inside causes more grief and depression. You're on the right track. Keep up the good work.
Yeah, I've never been especially open with my feelings. I like to deny when I'm feeling negative emotions, so I need to force myself to express them, admit to them, and own up to them. It's not easy for me, but I have to do it. It's one of my 180s. So far, I can get those feelings down on a website, or on paper, but I haven't been able to force myself to express them to someone in meat space.
I really miss therapy, but I just can't afford it right now. I hope just chronicling my feelings like this will help me heal.
Back to running my intervals again tonight. It's been a few days since I've run them, since I've been going to the beach a lot lately, and my legs usually end up so tired after being at the beach that I take a day off afterwards. I'm pleasantly surprised to find that, even with the extra down time this week, my cardio is actively improving. I can run for longer, and as I get farther into my circuit I need less rest time between runs.
I'm mildly shocked by my progress on that front!
According to my calorie counter, this was a three pound week for me again. Keeping up this pace, I may actually hit 11-12 pounds lost for September, which would put me slightly ahead of schedule. My diet's slowly, but steadily, improving, too. I'm gradually reducing the number of fatty foods and empty calories in my diet, though I'm still far from ideal. My diet's finally balanced, in that my calories are coming from the proper ratios of carbs:fats:protein, but I'm not hitting my nutrient goals yet. I'm eating too much bread, not enough veg, and I'm still stepping out for takeout or fast food too often, but the frequency with which I'm doing that is way down.
On the whole, I feel good about my fitness progress.
Now, I need to work on getting to bed earlier.
Me: 31 W: 31 T: 10 years CL: 7 years IDLY: 01/13 Sep: 07/13 I Moved out: 10/13 W Currently seeing OM Pets, but No Children
Feeling much stronger today for some reason, but my head's been fuzzy all day long. Really, it's been fuzzy for months now. I just can't seem to shake this fog, and it's really getting to me. I feel so disorganized, unmotivated, and afraid.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that W's not coming back anytime soon. Whatever it is that she has to do for herself, she's not doing it yet, and I don't expect she will for quite some time.
Less angry today, and less sad even (though I've had my moments), but also just all around muted. Not quite depressed thankfully -- I managed to do some important cleaning that I've been ignoring for the past few days, and cooked myself some really healthy food for the week ahead, which simply aren't things I do when I'm feeling depressed -- but definitely not all here.
I haven't been "all here" in over two years, I don't think. Not since my father's conviction. That rattled me me something awful. The hits really just kept on coming after that, and I've been reeling ever since. Really trying to get over it, and everything that followed.
I just want to wake up tomorrow and feel like myself again. If I even remember what that means anymore.
Me: 31 W: 31 T: 10 years CL: 7 years IDLY: 01/13 Sep: 07/13 I Moved out: 10/13 W Currently seeing OM Pets, but No Children
I can relate to the fog and fuzz. It comes and goes with me. What seems to help (placebo?) is fish oil, vit D, and Ginko Biloba. I've never been a big supplement girl but the day after BD I decided I needed all the help I could get. I've noticed better mental clarity. I couldn't read more than a few pages of DB because I couldn't take in the words. My head would wander or it just wouldn't sink in. Things are better now.
I've also found yoga to be a HUGE help for my mental health and to clear the fog. I'm not sure if you're into that or not but it has really been a lifesaver.
Huh, I never considered that it could be dietary, but as I've been revamping my diet lately (and kinda sorta but not reeeaaaaaaaly sticking to it), I have quite the different intake of vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients! I have multivitamins (including fish oil) that I keep forgetting to take. I'm going to try to make sure that I'm more proactive about taking them.
I've done a lot of reading on here the last couple of days, which has been good for me. Though it still hurts like a gunshot wound, and though I still miss my wife like crazy, I'm slowly starting to come to terms that the woman I knew and fell in love with isn't there anymore. She might come back -- I hope she does! -- but she's not there right now. If I knew that she would, I'd wait however long it took.
I don't know that she will, though, and so I don't know what I want to do.
If I could go back in time and live those happy days once more, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Until that's a viable option, I find myself at a crossroads. Wait, or don't.
I know the right answer. I know that waiting is the worst thing I can do. Waiting means sitting still. Waiting means not moving forward, not progressing, not rebuilding. Waiting means becoming stagnant and stale. I feel like the dog in that oft parodied scene, where its let out of the car, and its owner drives away, and the dog just sits there waiting.
I can't wait, but I oh so very much want to.
I thought my wife and I would be partners forever. I even counted on it! Now we're not. Worse, my wife doesn't look, act, or even sound like my partner anymore. I want my partner back, but I don't want to come home to this woman. She's not the woman I made a home with. I have no home to return to. I have to make a new home. One all my own. One I build by myself.
I'm trying. I love my apartment, but it's difficult to maintain without a full time job. I'm definitely too broke to continue making it feel homey. I'm really hoping I can find full time work, or that tutoring really takes off, so that I can make it a more comfortable space.
I sent out a bunch of resumes again today. It's been over a week since I sent the last out. I also emailed the people from my last interview, just to check up (I know silence usually speaks for itself) and to ask for some constructive feedback.
One of the places I applied to today is where the woman I dated this past spring works. I was really hesitant to submit those applications -- I really like that woman, but am in no position to explore those feelings -- but the pickings are pretty slim right now, and I'd actually be a good fit there. I've been putting off applying to work there for months now, but I need the money, and think I have a decent shot at landing an interview. At least it's a big enough company that we wouldn't necessarily run into each other very often.
Still, I'm nervous (which is silly -- I may not even get an interview).
Me: 31 W: 31 T: 10 years CL: 7 years IDLY: 01/13 Sep: 07/13 I Moved out: 10/13 W Currently seeing OM Pets, but No Children
Well, I got offered an internship (well, technically, a volunteer position) today. It's non-paying, but it should allow me to collect unemployment benefits, and it will look great on my resume. This is the company I "casual coffee interviewed" with two weeks ago, and they say they'd really like to hire me in a paid position, but, as seems to be the story of my life this summer, they haven't secured funds for the position yet.
Between lab instructing, tutoring, and unemployment, I should be able to pay my rent and catch up on my bills for quite a few months to come, so I'm going to take this. I'm super stoked!
I've spent a lot of time over the last couple of days thinking about who I am, and whether I've lost sight of myself or not. I've come to the overwhelming conclusion that I have. Or rather, that I did. The past month of getting-a-life and focusing on myself has really helped me start to identify an identity, and to realize what happened to it.
Two and a half years ago, I learned that my father had been found guilty of a sex crime. A year previous I had learned he was arrested. In both cases I just kinda stumbled across this information. They never told me up front. My entire life I believed that I came from a so-called "normal" family, with no skeletons in the closet, and nothing of interest to report. I think most of us think our families are normal growing up, so this wasn't that unusual. But with my father's arrest and subsequent conviction, my family suddenly became, in my mind, dysfunctional. Moreover, because I had built a large part of my identity on this foundation of a "functional" family, I had the foundation of my identity pulled out from under me.
On top of this foundation -- which was an aspect external to me! -- I build an identity that was comprised of other things that were also external to myself. Who was I? Well, I was a student! An educator! A scientist! A provider! And, last, but most certainly not least, a loving boyfriend/husband, and fur-father. Every last shard of my identity was built of an external label.
And then something happened. My wife left! So I was no longer a boyfriend/husband! I graduated! So I was no longer a student! I was no longer an educator! My work contract expired! So I was no longer a scientist, nor was I a provider!
Everything I identified as part of me turned out to be a transient label, and when I ran out of labels, well... I ran out of me. Without school, and without work, and without my wife, I didn't know who I was anymore. I had a genuine identity crisis.
It's taken me three months to start putting the pieces back together. Finally I have something that kinda looks like the Spacey I knew way back prior to 2012. It's not complete by any stretch of the imagination -- there are still a lot of pieces to pick back up and glue back on -- and the adhesive isn't set yet, but at the very least I'm starting to recognize myself again. More importantly, I'm starting to recognize myself as someone who can be proud of himself. Maybe I don't quite feel that self-worth yet, but for the first time in a long time I'm starting to feel like I deserve to feel it.
My wife told me that I had disappeared from our relationship long before she walked out. I couldn't understand what she was talking about, because our relationship was the most important thing in my life. I was fighting for it tooth and nail! But truth be told, I think she was right. Well, kinda, anyway. I hadn't disappeared from our relationship. I had disappeared from myself.
She did, too. I saw it happen, and I sat back helpless to stop it, just as she saw it happening to me, and she was unable to do anything. We didn't drift apart from one another. Instead, each of us drifted away from ourselves. I don't know if she realizes this or not. I surely didn't, until I finally started to recognize that person coming together from all of these pieces left scattered on the floor doesn't look like the person who was here a few short months ago. There are a lot more pieces on the floor than I thought there were, and they've been here a lot longer than I believed them to be.
I said something in essjay's thread the other day about having to choose which we love more: Our spouses, or our marriages. Well, I choose my wife. And I choose myself. It's more important to me that she be healthy and happy and free from fear or suffering than it is that she be with me. That doesn't mean I don't want to go home. That doesn't mean I don't want to see my wife look at me with those loving eyes again. But it does mean that I know there's nothing to fight for until my wife finds herself again. If that ever happens. If it doesn't, or if the woman she finds isn't the one I settled down with, well... So long as she's happy, I'll be OK.
Because that's who I am. I'm not "Wife's husband". I'm the man who will love Wife without condition until the day he dies. And that's a label that's entirely internal to me.
Me: 31 W: 31 T: 10 years CL: 7 years IDLY: 01/13 Sep: 07/13 I Moved out: 10/13 W Currently seeing OM Pets, but No Children
My wife told me that I had disappeared from our relationship long before she walked out. I couldn't understand what she was talking about, because our relationship was the most important thing in my life. I was fighting for it tooth and nail! But truth be told, I think she was right. Well, kinda, anyway. I hadn't disappeared from our relationship. I had disappeared from myself.
She did, too. I saw it happen, and I sat back helpless to stop it, just as she saw it happening to me, and she was unable to do anything. We didn't drift apart from one another. Instead, each of us drifted away from ourselves. I don't know if she realizes this or not. I surely didn't, until I finally started to recognize that person coming together from all of these pieces left scattered on the floor doesn't look like the person who was here a few short months ago. There are a lot more pieces on the floor than I thought there were, and they've been here a lot longer than I believed them to be.
I said something in essjay's thread the other day about having to choose which we love more: Our spouses, or our marriages. Well, I choose my wife. And I choose myself. It's more important to me that she be healthy and happy and free from fear or suffering than it is that she be with me. That doesn't mean I don't want to go home. That doesn't mean I don't want to see my wife look at me with those loving eyes again. But it does mean that I know there's nothing to fight for until my wife finds herself again. If that ever happens. If it doesn't, or if the woman she finds isn't the one I settled down with, well... So long as she's happy, I'll be OK.
Because that's who I am. I'm not "Wife's husband". I'm the man who will love Wife without condition until the day he dies. And that's a label that's entirely internal to me.
well said
Me 34 W 30 T 13 M 8 BD 7/27/14 EA Confirmed 8/6/14 S 8/2/14 D Imminent
I quote the immortal words of Socrates who said "...I drank what?"
Yeah, I think I am going to like this new guy. He's not done baking yet, but he'll get there.
Something that's been on my mind a fair bit lately is the woman I was seeing this past spring. The one whose office I could, potentially, end up working in. I feel really badly about the way things went.
So I emailed her an apology today.
It was very difficult to write, but it really helped me put my journey into perspective. She responded (which was unexpected!) and told me that I had no need to write this, as she didn't hold any hard feelings toward me. I guess she doesn't really understand what an apology is about. Heh. Anyway, that's a load off of my chest. It was important to me that I make some sort of restitution toward her, so I'm glad she... apparently... accepted my apology (I assume that "You didn't need to" can be taken as "I accept").
This was a big 180 on my part. Usually, my anxiety wouldn't have let me actually do this. I admit that I was quite scared after I hit 'send', but when her name showed up in my inbox, I opened it all the same. That's a big step forward for me. I feel good about that.
I also agreed to take the internship today. With my unemployment benefits now nearly sorted out, and my tutoring and teaching starting up, I should be OK for money for the next little while. Plus, it's expected that this internship will turn into a paid job once the company receives its grant. So, things are finally looking up on the employment front!
Still no word from my wife. Her birthday's coming up soon, so I want to phone her and talk about her keeping the furballs for a few extra weeks, so that she can have them through to her birthday. I'll take the opportunity to apologize for the car fiasco.
Then I'm done with apologies for the time being.
A lot is going to change in the next month, and I'm really looking forward to it.
Me: 31 W: 31 T: 10 years CL: 7 years IDLY: 01/13 Sep: 07/13 I Moved out: 10/13 W Currently seeing OM Pets, but No Children
