PERSEVERANCE is Stubbornness.... with a Purpose.

[job]

They don't necessarily have to have an EA or PA. Some just go off and do their own thing such as become workaholics, living on the couch and staring at 4 walls, gardening, fishing, become obsessive over some hobby or even taking a trip around the world in a sail boat...but no, many don't have someone waiting in the wings.

[GoatGal]

Sorry to hear this, Shining.

(On my phone so apologies for errors.)

Yes. As Cadet would have told me; no matter how much he seems like he's reconnecting and getting his head out of his arse, the multiple OW (real or imagined) strongly point to the fact that he is still deep in replay.

Add in his inappropriate comments to your daughter and it's clear he is still so messed up.

Sadly, there is nothing to be done but to hang in there and keep on keeping on.

For myself, if I hadn't known about GUBU's Viagra and dating websites, I'd be happily laboring under the misconception that things were getting better.
Maybe they are, in a way, as long as he thinks his secrets are being kept.

But I want REALITY. HONESTY.
And I'm sure you do, too.

Who cares if they tell us everything we want to hear while simultaneously carrying on their little private fantasies?

Well...I CARE.
It's not acceptable, even if it's just "online flirting" or whatever.

So I feel ya, Shining. I do.
Yes. They can look at us and say "There goes the best I ever had".

There "goes".... And they can't stop themselves from letting it happen.

Which is why, in my case anyway, a "Wake-Up Buttercup" 2X4 upside that melon head might be called for.

What are we? CHOPPED LIVER??



-------GGG

[LoisB]

((((((Hugs to Shining)))))))

It's scary when you get a glimpse into their train of crazy thoughts. It's been hitting me more and more...the reality of his wackadoo thinking. It's painful, but freeing because at least there's the validation that we couldn't have fixed this anyhow. This kinda crazy can't be fixed with a little love an a bandaid.

[Shining]

Thank you, Job...the taking a trip around the world in a small boat....where can I book this for H?

GGG, yep, I'm not wasting my time on that anymore. I'm learning. One 2x4 at a time...lol. I'll have enough to build a big house... No, a RESORT!!! "The LBS". Spa, therapy, concerts, dancing, sports, sunshine, art classes, inspirational guest speakers, free child and pet facilities, on-site doctors, salons, GAL activities....fabulous shopping for clothes and shoes....no rollercoasters, lol...WOAH. I digress.

AAAANNNNNNDDDDD.... just got spewed. Classic. First one in a long time. .

Oh, yeah.... So, after almost no texting between us in the past days, out of nowhere, I just got, "I'm still upset about things that happened that led to our split. (My son) S18 moving to live with your xh is messed up. You are all hypocrites. I have to just keep moving forward."

Then, H, move forward. Please. Because you're clearly stuck.

Ahhhhhh. Is that the sun? Beautiful outside.

[uRworthy]

Sorry you had to hear about the ows. Some have EAs, some have PAs, some just ride off. No way to tell which one you'll get.

Life is like a box of chocolates....LOL!

The cuckoo is flying around the clock, S. Cant find the door to get in.

Here's the thing. They are sick. Let's face it, they are. Who does this stuff? I mean really.

But, we cant fix crazy. We cant really even understand it.

So, the best we can do is acknowledge it, find some compassion for it and then back away....way away.

The things he is saying to his daughter...shame on him. But it just proves crazy even more. They dont get it. They cant see it. They are inside their own heads. It is all about them.

But deep down, they are in pain. I know its hard to see that when you see then doing what they are doing. But it's true, S.

They are trying anything they possibly can to numb the feelings. Anything that can make them feel better even just for a moment.

It really is sad to think of what they do in order to feel something.

But thats not your problem or your job.

The focus has to be on you and the kids. Let him blow in the wind right now.

Hard as it it, the sooner you really and truly accept that he is gonzo, the easier it will get for you.

[BrightFuture]

I’m curious, does he know that his D19 tells you everything?

[uRworthy]

Just wanted to address some stuff you wrote.

.... just got spewed. Classic. First one in a long time. .

Knew one was coming. He mad cuz you arent playing....oh well, succks for him. His choice, this. There may be more. Do not engage.

I think I may need to get out with people. I don't have friends now that are comfortable around me, and I don't care to reach out, all jobless and rejected, and meet new ones. It scares me. I feel weird. But it's time to go back to the Life store.

I get this. I really do. I know there is an emphasis on here about GAL and people think they have to run out and do all these things and join all these groups. Really, to me it means to just think about you for once. Think about something you may like to try or learn. Doesnt have to be this big committment. But it is important not to isolate yourself. That just adds to the down feelings. There are things at libraries, meet ups, through parks departments. You dont even have to talk to anyone at first if you dont feel up to it. Just think about something that may interest you and find a way to incorporate it into your life a bit.

This is another thing I'm learning about me.... Self inflicted 2x4 coming... I have explored some of my issues, but not all. I have wiggled my way out of some uncomfortable stuff, or shut down, or didn't trust the counselor enough to share, or whatever excuse I choose at the moment to skip stuff. And I don't know what, and I don't know why. I read anything I can get my hands on. I try to apply what I learn. I want to be so independent and figure it out, but I'm not really accountable to anyone now to know if I am doing it...except here .

I don't trust my instincts right now in choosing an IC. How have any of you all found good ones?

I can tell you why...cuz I lettered in it...it is fear. Fear of figuring it out. Fear of what it means. Fear of having to do anything about it. It is hard, hard work to face your stuff. But, man, when you do, it is life changing. You do have to get past the really crappy parts of digging into things you would rather not face, but, I promise you, if you can, you will never regret it.

It took me 4 tries with different therapists before I found my angel. I just kept trying because it was too important. When I went to her the first time, I just knew.

This is important, S. The most important thing you can do for you. But you have to be 100% committed or it doesnt work.

Facing the fear requires a leap of faith. Take it, my friend.

[Shining]

I KNEW calling myself out on that stuff would not slip past you, uR. I even revisited my last thread, and thought that perhaps due to the positioning of the post, and being at the end of the thread....it may skim by unnoticed....ha. Denial. See how I try to weasel out of stuff sometimes???

But, in my mind dump, I was really crying for help. At the same time, afraid of the help. Yep, fear.

I'll get back to that^^^^.

Oh, he mad....heehee. Shining didn't engage. (Pats self on back, high 5's, knuckle bump, and secret congratulatory handshake). I'm expecting more. And I'm planning on letting it roll off like water on duck feathers. It's weird, but it kind of confirms again, that this sure isn't just a case of the hiccups. This is bigger than anything I can fathom.

Lots going on that would stress even a normal person.... Moving, lying to me about it, ow#1 back, who knows.....maybe he wasn't able to "perform" last night as he had hoped. (Mooohoohoo, aahhhahhhaaaa) <<< maniacal laugh.

But yeah, I was kinda thinking it's been brewing since the opening up about his dads, kids, etc. last weekend. Following the MLC patterns a bit.

I like what you wrote about not having to GAL in a big group kind of way. I'm not a bar chick. I like your suggestions. Especially finding a class. Totally doable.

Oh, back to the fear..... I'm that. I'm so "that" and I don't even know what "that" is. Something is keeping me afraid and I can't figure it out. The stuff I've explored with past counselors was helpful, but I know there's still something I'm missing. I'm open to any different techniques on digging.

It's like I'm missing a piece of my brain, like a stroke victim and I can't access something. Idk. It's bugging me. Maybe it isn't even anything big. Just unfinished small stuff. What do other people do with this?

[Shining]

Bright, H knows SD19 and I have texted, but I doubt he knows she tells me this stuff. D19 says he's so into himself he's clueless about what she and her brother do. They are drinking his booze...and more. It's awesome.

"Old" H didn't trust her one bit with any information. There was a LOT of go- between his D19 did for years with H and his xw. She played that game well. H used to tell me, to be careful, and that anything I tell D19 will get back to her mother...or get posted on fb (yep, that happened, early on...I talked to her and she hasn't in months).

"Old" H was very strict on morals, what is and isn't appropriate to discuss with kids, that they would never be allowed to drink or smoke around him (they did at their mother's). And now that's all out the window. How confusing for them. My kids, too. We've had to talk about some of it. It's embarrassing. He's a stranger.

[LiveNow]

Shining - I am also not a 'big group' GAL'er, generally - I'm an introvert - but UR is right about the isolation part. So my GAL'ing has been mixed...meditation classes (can 'share' as much or as little as you want with the class, but do your own thing, and so great for helping you deal with what all is going on in your life), yoga classes (again, you're doing your own thing, but with the class), DivorceCare group (lots of sharing there, but a great experience), biking, running, paddleboarding (all those things alone, generally), and one Meetup group meeting so far, which I really enjoyed. And any volunteer activities are really great too. You can choose to work with groups of others, or some are more solitary activities, but all have their rewards! You will feel better right away, when you get out. I can tell, Shining, you have much to offer the world out there!