What to do when an EA involved?

[bdub]

Overall, today was better than yesterday? One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

I agree with mindsin on the in laws. I know its not right, but I talked to my FIL and SIL and I was very careful about what I said. I used the conversation to attempt to sort of manipulate the advise they were giving, and were going to give to W. I sort of "showed my cards" but not all of it was true. Manipulation is a BAD thing and this is the only time I will do it.
They did in fact filter the conversation back to W and they said exactly what I wanted them to say. Calculated risk that paid off.
I am NOT reccomending you do this though. I was a nervous wreck for 3 days until the message finally filtered back to me through conversation with W.

[Hoju]

I didn't really talk to FIL much about the R, he just wanted to make sure i was doing ok and express his sympathy. I made sure not to tell him anything that would upset W as per the sandi rules.

After the stager left W started packing and getting the house tidy for sale, maybe I'm not in as much control of the list date as originally anticipated. I know I shouldn't have done it but I offered to help, mostly just carting boxes that were too heavy for her to lift. I did it on my own terms though, after i had made myself a nice stir fry for dinner and in between watching an epic thunder storm going on.

All and all I thought it would be harder watching her stuff leave the house. Maybe I just have no more room for sadness left or maybe it was the exercise of lifting boxes that calmed me down, either way i'm quietly enjoying a beer, watching a great light show, and making a forum post to supportive friends. I'm feeling content with my life moving forward (at least tonight), where ever forward may lead.

Edit: is today better then yesterday? Emotionally for me yes, for reconciliation not at all.

[bdub]

It is impossible to avoid helping. I have given in to that fact.
Keep working on yourself and doing your DB. I am in the same situation you are in. Emotionally I get better every day. W gets further away everyday but we have come to terms with it and have chosen a plan of action. Lately I have been spending a lot of time picturing what its going to be like when she moves. I am picturing the worst so that I am at least somewhat prepared for what actually happens.

[Hoju]

FIL came by to help pack/move today, i felt guilty again and helped him move some of the bigger furniture. Brought back a lot of memories over the past 10 years we've been together I've probably helped her family move 20+ times.

The fog with the WAW and OM is very strong. We just had a short chat about moving on and wishing each other the best. She is still pretty negative about our relationship, blaming everything on my computer gaming addiction (which has been 180'd for months). She's convinced people don't change or is trying to convince herself people don't change to make what she has done easier for her. She did say that her family is mostly supporting me in this, which was nice to hear, i know it doesn't mean [censored] but still feels good to have some cheerleaders. Moving onward trying to stay positive, need to hope OM hits it and ditches it (as much as that kills me to say about my wife).

She also said she has been a people pleaser for so long that she lost who she was, not sure what that means? She sure as hell never tried to please me. Even now it seems like she is still trying to please people just the single crowd instead of the married crowd. Anyone ever had this one dropped on them and can add some insight?

[bdub]

I hate to say it but a few months of 180 on the computer gaming will not make up for the years of how it used to be. Keep up with the changes! I know that I took my wife for granted for 15 years. It just becomes a habit, especially when she does nothing to stop it or change it.

My wife is pretty convinced people dont change. We have been through 2 rough spots and changed for the better, only to fall right back into the same ruts. I am looking for ways to show her this time is different, but she will have to somehow trust that the changes I am making are not the same as last time.

I bet at one point in time she tried to please you. She just didnt know how to please you and you didnt know how to see she was trying.

[mindsin]

When I feel like the W's A is getting stronger, I keep telling myself "If you want something to shrink, you must first allow it to expand".

Also, understand that if your W is meant to be with this OM, then that is what will happen and it will be HER choice. The only thing you can do is make yourself into the better choice.

If she's reached a point where she is still contemplating you as one of her choices, consider that to be in your favor.

[Hoju]

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, just not sure what to say anymore. Time has gone by so quickly. I've successfully detached which has made W feel much more comfortable with talking to me. She is seeing a lawyer today about the separation agreement and is fully packed to move out on monday. I'm sad to see her go and wish we had more time but I feel it will be good for me to get some space and a sense of normalcy back in my life.

Edit: As for the OM he is going to look like the best choice and nothing I can do will change that. I saw a funny quote I feel many of you would enjoy.

"The grass is always greener on the side because it's fertilized with bullshit"

[Dpthght]

"The grass is always greener on the side because it's fertilized with bullshit"

lulz, thank you

[Hoju]

Need help quick.

I just came home and W wanted to talk. She mentioned about the meeting with the lawyer today then got really sad about having to sell the house, i simply asked "did you want to take more time with this and maybe work on us" she sat in silence for about 30sec so i bowed my head and walked away. at this point she flew off the handle and got super mad. She is now in her room crying should i go talk to her? Why on earth is she mad?

[pilot]

Ok, first, IF you talk to her, LISTEN. VALIDATE. Do not go off into a R talk on your own. Right now she is probably overwhelmed with emotions. The entirety of the D is probably hitting her right now. This does not mean she wants to reconcile. It just means she is stressed and sad. She may very well be wondering if she is doing the right thing.

You may try this. Walk into her room and say " I am sorry you are upset I want you to know I am here to LISTEN if you want to talk." And then walk away. Do not pressure her by standing around. Let her decide if she wants to talk and if she does, she can come to you.

Just my thoughts...

****Disclaimer**** I am not current on your situation.