H's MLC #4

[job]

You'll never know what your adult teenager is thinking because he doesn't know from one minute to the next. Right now, he's comfortable living under the same roof w/you. You aren't pressuring him to do anything in the way of making decisions. Yes, it's a mental and emotional struggle and quite frankly, he is off in another world and his empathy chip is broken. Therefore, he's only worried about himself.

He truly doesn't want to move out and get a divorce and he's using his son as the reason for staying. He's quite content to stay there. Some mlcers just want the space and time to explore the world and still live at home. That's why it's important to develop your own interests/hobbies and live your life the best you can. He's a roommate and you are still "expecting" more from him.

You are looking for the old h to be responsible and have rational discussions. Not happening for a while. He's still on a mission to conquer the world his way and you are one of the lucky ones that he's not all over the place, acting out and being h@ll bent on the nasty train.

Learn to accept him for who he is today. Expectations very low or even set at zero and try not to figure him out because he will change course in two seconds because of the emotional train that he is on.

Keep the focus on you.

[2BHappy]

I feel a lil like H is taking advantage of me. Never really apologized for A. What if this is NOT a MLC, what if H is just done and waiting on me to end it. I know he does not want to come off as the "bad" guy the one who left his family.

AND this is not the 1st time he had an A, he also had one in 05 when he was living overseas. He blamed that on the fact that when he left we were in a bad place (we were) but I was here with our S and a teenage step son, and I did not have an A. At least that one he apologized for.

The things he said last year about not wanting to be a H anymore, and that we could never be happy in a R,,,and I just have a feeling that he will continue like this until I break and end it all.

It just boils down to Im getting tired of it all.

I read others post and I know it could be much worse. H is not mean, is being responsible, we can still laugh and talk about stuff. He does go cold especially after we have sex or have a really good day he will pull back.

We have sex, but that is not enough for me.

It drives me crazy that when Im GAL he wants to know everything Im doing and sometimes gives me attitude about me out and about living life without him. BUT belive me he does not want to do anything with me.... Sometimes I just want to scream LEAVE me the F alone!!!

[2BHappy]

Oh ,,,this morning when I left I kissed H on the check (as he slept) and told him I love you,,,wish you felt the same about me. I think he heard me cause he opened his eyes.

So I'm thinking about this...

Leaving my wedding ring out for H with a note

Please put my ring with yours (where ever it is) these rings are meant to be together. Maybe one day we will both wear them again with love and pride..... and maybe not.

Also thinking about adding this poem I just read on another post

What do you think?

[2BHappy]

Here is the poem
Thanks to LifeTwists

The Boxes In The Hall

In every Room of our time together there is a box,
Of memories we shared,
Now is the time to pack away,
With Sadness and with Care.

The first is a simple smile,
When ever I thought of you,
Neatly folded into four,
It's the best that I could do.

Next are all the memories,
Of the times when we were two,
Wrapped with love one by one,
Sealed with tears as glue.

And then there are the butterflies,
I had when you were near,
Now in a cage of sadness,
And locked up with a tear.

Next are the times we kissed,
Each one wrapped with a sigh,
Placed next to a rolled up list,
Of all the times I've asked my self why.

Now to pack are the pieces of my heart,
Gathered in a pile,
Each one wrapped up tenderly,
And placed next to a distant smile.

Finally all the shattered wishes,
Placed in softly so no more can break,
Covering them over trying not to cry,
So they would not all ache.

Lastly walking round each room,
Closing each and every curtain,
Shutting each and every door,
Leaving behind each and ever pain.

Gathering up the memories we shared,
Making sure I've got them all,
Packing them softly because I cared,
Leaving them in the boxes in the hall.

[job]

Have you ever asked him why he needs to know your every move away from the home? It sounds to me like he's jealous of you and wants you to be as miserable as he is, i.e., staying at home and not out enjoying yourself. He also doesn't want to you move forward and leave him behind and yet he isn't willing to participate in anything w/you. The next time he inquires as to what you are doing or where you are going, turn around and ask him why he needs to know. It will throw him off balance and he'll have to back peddle w/a response. Time to throw him some curve balls.

As for an apology, I don't think you are going to get one unless you push the issue. He's swept it under the rug and thinks you have too. At some point, you are going to have to decide when you want to have a talk w/him and find out where he's at for the moment. Now, if you do this, remain calm, keep your voice calm and level, but watch his body language. Also, keep in mind you may not get the answers you are looking for, but you will know if he's still bouncing off the walls and coming up w/irrational stuff.

It's tough having them at home, but at some point, you will know when you've had enough and are ready to do something about it.

[2BHappy]

Job
I do want to see where he is at...

What are your thoughts on leaving ring with a note ,,(above posts) and or the poem?

I do sense he wants me to be miserable, 1 time when I guess I was too happy around the house he ask me if I had been drinking.. I said no and he said you are acting like it.

Then another day I was very tired and stay in bed longer then normal,,,he had seen a shot glass in the kitchen and said he thought I was sooo tired cause I had been drinking,,I said driking shots,,I drink wine, he said well maybe you had your friend over for shots...I hardly ever have friends over...

[woundedfool]

What are your thoughts on leaving ring with a note ,,(above posts) and or the poem?

DB'ing would say no on the note/poem.

And further.... the note, down the road... maybe.

But absolutely no chance/no way/no how on the poem. From a guys perspective... it will go over like a bad tie on fathers day (it may get used once out of courtesy.... but then tossed to the side and never though of again).

I do sense he wants me to be miserable

Sounds like your trying to read his mind.

The next time he inquires as to what you are doing or where you are going, turn around and ask him why he needs to know. It will throw him off balance and he'll have to back peddle w/a response. Time to throw him some curve balls.

(experts, please chime in if is is bad advice)

I like job's advice a lot. But this will take TONS of finesse. It cannot be adversarial. It cannot be sarcastic or bitter. It needs to be very light... even coy:

H: Where are you going now?
2B: Well wouldn't you like to know (with a dirty little smile)
H: (assuming a huff and a puff/sigh/etc or a dirty look)
2B: (run over, sit on his lap, or if standing put an "arm hanging" hug on him and quietly in his ear, in a playful voice ask:) actually, why do you need to know?

[Matt165]

Hi 2B,
IMO I wouldn't leave the ring and poem. I read the same poem and it brought tears to my eyes. My first thought was how I would love to leave it in one of the boxes that my W is waiting to pick up so she will read it when she unpacks. Then I realized that is just not going to have anything close to the desired effect! The MLCer just isn't able to think rationally. They do not have the same kind of reactions to those types of things that a "normal" person does! Instead of it making them think about the past, the love you shared, etc., all it will do is make them angry. Most likely all it will do is "prove" that you just don't get what HE is going through. That all you care about is YOU and you just don't get what he needs to do for him! There you go again, only thinking of yourself, trying to "guilt" him. He will think why can't you just understand and leave him alone. Of course even if a part of him does feel the emotions that a "normal" person would all that will do is cause him to feel "pressured". You want something he isn't wanting to give right now and he will feel that pressure. It is a type of pursuit and you how they feel about that!

Back soon after B-day, before I found DB, I read a poem about a couple growing old together. It was very emotional, sweet, etc. My W used to talk about us when we were old, how we would still be in love and finish each others sentences, take care of each other, feel each others pain, etc. It was something that was important and meaningful to her "old" self. How she actually looked forward to that time in our lives. So, what did I do? Well, I sent her an email copy of that poem, of course! I just knew it would make her think, that she would remember when she would talk about just this subject. What was her response? Well, she got angry, of course! She was very bugged by it and just deleted it. She even mentioned in a text to her friend that I was trying to guilt her...again!

My W was the same way when she lived at home about my GAL activities. She even told me on B-day that a big part of what she was so unhappy with me about was that I didn't do ENOUGH outside activities without her. She said she wanted me to go out and do the very things I started to do. That I needed more of a separate life from her. But, when I did those things she would get bugged. React with hostility. On one of my first outings she even told me I was "lying" about what I was doing! That she just "knew' that I wasn't telling her the "truth" about something. All I did was go out to a meetup group and have a few beers with a bunch of other men! She wanted me to go out with other people but got upset when I did it. That is normal MLC behavior, 2B. They want you to be as miserable as they are.

I wish it were otherwise, 2B, really I do. I know it's so hard to imagine your h reading that poem, seeing the ring and NOT thinking the type of thoughts you would expect. My W before MLC would have been in tears reading that poem. She is the type that cries at movies! All that changed on B-day and it's going to be a long trip back until she would ever have that reaction again, if ever! Of course, each person is different and you know your sitch better than anyone else. I just don't think it will do anything and actually could hurt things.

[job]

I agree, do not leave your ring or the note for him to find. It will get you no where w/him.

Sometimes, you have to turn the questions around in order to make him stop short and think about why he's questioning you. Kids ask lots of questions and do it out of habit. Maybe your h is that way...but you do need to do some 180's w/him and one way is the ask why he's asking and then say, do you need me to pick up or drop something off.

You have to stay cool, calm and collected.

[2BHappy]

WHAT IF it's not MLC and my H is just being a selfish bastard!

What then,,,dont things need to change up then?

This wedding ring on my finger and H not on his finger for over is year has me totally pissed off and hurt and upset.

Maybe I just need to get use to not having my wedding ring on.

I'm starting to not care how he feels or what he is going thru. Cause I dont see him giving at rats ass about how Im feeling.

I will take the advice and NOT leave the ring or poem.