Well...enough about me, what do YOU think of me???

[Shining]

Wow, uR. Thank you for sharing. It sure sounds like "tunnel hugger" is a fitting term. I wish your old posts were still around. I would love to have read them and witness the growth you experienced from the beginning.

Another thing we share, is the view of ow. It absolutely ripped me apart to find out, but for whatever reason, after a few weeks, that fact alone wasn't keeping me up at night. I was able to categorize the bandaid aspect and move on...so I could find other areas to get stuck in, lol....

Did you work outside the home? Did you have to find another job? Since I now have to find a new job, I wondered if you had found yourself in this position, too.

I read the new book by Steve Harvey today, lol. I'm having to start over in so many ways. He's just funny. But, I found it an interesting book to help me set goals while considering who I really am, and utilizing the unique gifts I have been given. I've not been living my best self for several years. It's time I do that for me. I did it once, a long time ago, and I didn't even know it. I miss me.

How was your h a legend? I'm up for some crazy stories....I'm sensitive to h pain, but I have to find humor in the crazy to keep my sanity. My h mean, but it didn't last. He got really crazy. Now he's just sad.

How did your son handle everything? My D13 is h favorite, and the text and talk some. My boys are 16, 18 & 18. They won't speak to h, but he isn't their dad, either. They did call him "dad". In fact, they used to ask when we were engaged, "is this what a real dad is like?" He was awesome. They learned so much. They bonded instantly, and they loved h very much. But when h son came to live with us, as soon as he moved in, h changed. It was bizarre. Like all the old rules went out the window, along with any structure or consequence. Then the blaming started. They could do no right. Out of nowhere. Our fights escalated. The boys couldn't handle h 180 personality flip, and the ow was a complete a$$hole move and deal breaker for them. They're very protective of me.

[Shining]

This is a story that recently came up.....bear with me.

There was a trip I once went on with H and his family. The location was rather remote. We had to drive for 2 hours from a main airport, to a smaller airport, and then fly again to the destination. Some of the family were staying for different lengths of time, and we had multiple vehicles that were rented to get from one airport to the other. Our car was driven by H older brother. H rode in the passenger seat, and I in the back (H gets motion sickness in back.....)

Our rental car remained at the small airport, dirt parking lot, for one week. When the week was over, and it was time to drive back to the main airport, we made sure to leave plenty of time for the drive. We grabbed coffee and some road trip snacks in town, did some souvenir shopping....you know, stuff people do.

Then we set out onto the long, straight, country road. As with all road trips, there comes a time when the liquids settle, and H needed to make a "pit-stop". (You lucky men who can stand at the side of a road and do your business....). So BIL pulls over to the side of he road, onto the dusty shoulder lined with tall grass and trees.

As the vehicle stops, we looked out the passenger window, and suddenly there is a swarm of bees! Thousands! H is deathly allergic to bees, and I've carried an epi-pen for years. We thought, "Wow! We must have stopped right by some trash, or some kind of beehive."

BIL said, "Let's drive further down and pull over somewhere else." So we did. About a mile down the road, BIL pulls over again, and sure enough, the same thing happened!!!!! Still with the bees!! Completely surrounding all windows of the car now! Could there really be this many bees in this town? I've never seen anything like it!

Yeah.... We finally realized the beehive was actually traveling with us, attached to the undercarriage of the rental car. It must have happened while the car was parked during that week.

So we drove faster in a futile effort to "shake" the beehive loose, hoping it would drop onto the road. BIL started weaving the car back and forth. So now, I'm almost car-sick. And, as you can guess, that didn't work.

Finally, we decide to stop at a gas station. We couldn't pull up to the pumps, or anywhere near other folks. So we parked off to the side. As soon as he car stopped, we were surrounded. Bees everywhere.

H can't get out and risk getting stung. A trip to the local hospital would not have been good in this town. And....H still has to pee.

Now, in ANY OTHER FAMILY, things would have been different. Logically, my 6'6" BIL might have taken care of things.....logically. Reasonably. Expectedly, even. Nope. Now, I'm no damsel in distress-type, but come on.

So who solves the problem? You guessed it. Shining.

I took the men's jackets and hoodies out of their bags, wrapped my entire body with clothing, covered my face with a bandana, covered my eyes with sunglasses, and made a quick escape out the door without letting any bees inside the car. That was talent, right there.

I'm pretty sure I looked like I was about to rob the gas station, as I'm running, with my face masked, sunglasses on, over-sized hoodie covering my head, toward the gas station entrance. I ignored the strange looks, since I was on a mission. I went into the building, and purchased 6 cans of bee killer spray. (I'm sorry, bee lovers. It had to be done.). I went back out, and sprayed the car, the grill, and the undercarriage. The bees went everywhere. Then they were gone. It took about an hour.

H complained because he still had to pee. Gosh, I hope you weren't too uncomfortable.

Why was BIL just sitting there? It was a little bit of an "out of body" moment of wtf... But, it was also a big clue, wasn't it....

Soooooo......let's take a brief inventory, shall we?

Who was the rescuer? Who was the fixer? Who just did what needed to be done? And, more importantly, who knew I would?

Yeah. That had clearly been established for a while, huh....

We missed our plane. Had to stay in town for a night and it cost us a pretty penny.

H brought up this story last weekend. We actually laughed about it. H laughed, but not as he normally would...more of a slight chuckle and shaking his head. He said he couldn't believe I would do that for him. He said if I had just sat there a little longer, BIL would have eventually gotten out and dealt with it. But BIL is known for doing as little as possible, and BIL out-waited me.

In other words, if I didn't rush in to fix the problem, someone else would have. And it was H telling me this.

What does that tell me?

[kml]

Another point to this story - why did your husband LET you go out there, instead of telling his brother to do it? Doesn't sound like your H exhibited any chivalry towards you or protective concern. Telling.

[Shining]

Yeah, kml, little did I know the me-me-me selfishness part had already begun....that's where my denial came in very handy. I thought it was weird, but shrugged it off. As usual.

H was always allowing BIL to under-function.... The while family dynamic is set up that way. No accountability there. For some reason, BIL is the "poor me" of the bunch, and it pays off. I always thought I had the best of the 5 siblings...haha, joke's on me, now. The other 4 are still together with their spouses.

[uRworthy]

Hey S, first of all, the bee story....yep, would have been me running into that store.

Here's something for you. In my family, they call me...Death Angel. Yea, you know why? Because everytime someone passed away...my mother, my father, my father-in-law..no one wanted to take care of the details. So, I went through all their personal belongings. I planned the funerals. I even cleaned out my FIL's whole house for sale because my xh and his sister couldnt do it....well, wouldnt do it, really.

Anyway, as you go through this, things come to light that you never really saw before. It's just good to rememnber to look at things as objectively as you can because you dont want to rewrite history.

So, a little more about me. My childhood was really, really tough. Horrible, really. My mother was a raging alcoholic. She was a very angry woman. I realize now why she was. But back then, as a little girl, I had no idea.

She was angry with my father because he didnt make any money. Angry with his family because they hated her. Angry with her family because they had abused her.

I have siblings, but, I was her whipping post. The more I tried to be good and perfect, the more she lashed out. I didnt figure that out either - that my being good in school made her feel less than. And that me trying to do everything right so she would love me, made her feel incapable. Of course, I know now it had to do with her low self esteem.

So, I became someone who wanted to please. I became someone who always did the right thing. No matter how hard I tried, though, I just couldnt get her approval. I raised my parents and my sister.

When I met my xh, I was 18 years old he was 21. He was mature and responsible. I guess I felt that finally there was someone who could take care of me.

It was also around the time when I was getting out into the world. I had been very shy, but, I was finding my voice. I started to feel a little better about myself.

I married young. Looking back now, there were some signs I missed. I was so happy to have someone looking out for me, that I didnt see that he also needed to be in control.

So, I started going back into the role I knew so well. Fixing things, trying to be perfect, looking for approval.

My xh needed things done a certain way. I felt like I couldnt do them well enough. I became very small.

My son has a lot of health issues. So, that coupled with how my marriage was, and not dealing with my childhood, led to a depression.

I was a fully functional depressive. You wouldnt have known it had you met me.

When bomb date happened, I was a mess.

My therapist tells me to this day what I was like my first visit with her. She said I walked in, squeezed myself into the corner of the couch, slumped my shoulders and said it's all my fault. All of it. I deserved this. I dont blame him. I listed all the things I did wrong. I told of all the reasons why he should have done this. Man, that poor girl.

So, I found db and I found this amazing therapist and I worked really, really hard. I wouldnt give up. I knew that I had to become whole again and grow.

My journey from there to here is an incredible one. I had to knock down my demons one by one. There was no choice. My son deserved a mother who was ok. I deserved to feel good about me.

There were some very special people on here who would challenge me and push me. They had a tough job. But they wouldnt give up. I thank God for them everyday. My therapist, who is my angel, saw me. What a gift that was...to really be seen.

So, I came to know, without a single doubt, that I was worthy and lovable. I came to understand that the mirrors I had, my mother and my xh....were wrong in a lot of ways. So, I got some new mirrors. I watched how people responded to me. I listened and I worked to embrace what people saw in me.

It was really hard to come from that scared little girl who felt like everything was her fault because she wasnt good enough.

But I made it. This was a journey I was meant to go on. While it was the toughest thing I have ever had to do, it was the most important.

As I wrote, my son had health issues. So, I worked in a school so that I could pick him up when I needed to and would be home when he was. It didnt pay anything, but, I loved it.

I am still in that job, though I shouldnt be. I stayed way longer than I should because of how much it means to me. I have to leave now as they have cut my hours so they dont have to give me medical. Hard stuff.

My son was devastated when this all started. My xh and I dont have much family, so it was always the three of us. My xh and I didnt fight much and were always very affectionate. In fact, the day before the BD the two of us were cuddled together on the couch, our son on the other one, watching a movie.

My son says he felt like the floor out from under him. His dad moved 2 hours away and then 5 hours. It was really hard on my son. He wound up failing in high school and dropping out of college. He lost his footing for a long time. He is trying to find his way now.

He and his dad are making their way back to a good relationship. I have never said one bad thing about his father. I always encouraged them to be together. Their relationship isnt what it once was, nor what it could be, but I am happy I caused no harm to it. It is their to forge.

I always kept my xh in the loop about our son's health, til he turned 18. Then it was no longer my place.

We have an unusual relationship. We dont talk often at all. But there is contact. I am feeling like he wants more recently, but, who knows?

Ok, just so you get to know the real me, when my xh was still at home, and I had gotten on my feet emotionally, I decided that since he wouldnt leave, I was going to have fun with things.

His cell phone was always attached to his face. So day, when he was in the shower, I took it. I had made clothes for it. I put it out on a plate and sat at the table. Xh comes in and says, what's going on? I said, well, I thought, since your phone is always around, I'd invite it to dinner. So, I dressed it up for the occasion. .

As I said, he is a legend in these parts. He and I have had some conversations that I have posted that were so bizarre it would make your head spin. LOL!

[Shining]

Your story, uR, I'm just stunned. Thank you. It's a wonder MLC didn't come after you, too. I hope your son is well. I LOVE what you did with the phone.... Yep. My kind of fun. Now I FOR SURE want to hear more....

I have more history I'll share soon.

I'm doing ok overall today. Trying to stay positive. Bouncing between sitting still and keeping busy. Identifying some things I need to feel, work on, work through, and do, both professionally and internally. I'm not at the "how" part. Still the "what". And I'm trying not to run away from the discomfort. I'm breaking down more lately, but it's in shorter, less deep episodes. Not sure if that's anything. It just is.

My S18 x2 and I had a great conversation yesterday, and worked out some details and plans for their futures. We had fun with the Myers Briggs test lol. I thought it would be a fun tool, to use as a guide and get them thinking. We're all forced to rethink our lives, in many ways, through this crisis. The test is subjective, I'm not a professional, and it was as fun as a board game. Their lives are limitless. I cautioned them not to label or box themselves into anything. But they were amazed at the insight. I think the tests were spot on. Their gears were turning.

Communication has gotten more dark with H since this past weekend. More things from conversation are popping into memory. He talked so much, it's hard to remember it all.

H told me he was having so many physical issues, skin, allergy, muscle aches, back pain, and also mentioned his libido was low.... I thought that was odd. I really think he's at a low. Texting has gotten sparse and short-worded the past several days. I've been distancing very well. Too well, perhaps.

I didn't respond to several, 4-5 texts yesterday that H sent at 2:00 and 6:00. They weren't in the form a question, just info and reminders about house closing date, time, location, and to change my address for a couple of places that send mail to house. I had been gradually increasing response time. It was a 180 for me to just let them go like that. So H texted again at 10:00. "I hope you were not offended. I was just trying to help. Good night."

I responded, "No not offended at all. Thank you for the reminders. Good night."

Then today, H sent "Good morning. Today I have to start moving." Mmmmkay. Not sure what he was looking for, but I don't have it for him. That's for sure. Not my circus, not my monkeys, not my circus, not my monkeys.....

Then he sent another text a few hours later, "how are you." I replied but kept it short. "I'm good."

A few more texts describing his packing and moving details. He seems to be looking for acknowledgement or affirmation. What, exactly, am I supposed to say? How did you envision this going, H? Congrats on destroying everything we worked for? It's bizarre. As if I should be excited for him and his new place. Excited that you checked out of our marriage, and want to date others right now? Excited that you have a bachelor pad and zero other responsibilities living with you? Excited for the mess I'm in financially, and emotionally? Not so much....soooooo crazy.

So now H stopped texting. His energy has got to be going into his move. I'm out of the way. I did a decent job staying dark, and not being available. But I'm sensing anger from H today, or frustration. Even since last night.

CAUTION: Mind reading ahead! (Ok, ok, and behind, and on all sides. It's my process, and it's what I do. I'm getting there.)

I think it's hitting him he will be alone. I think he's overwhelmed and scared. I think he doesn't feel good and doesn't know what to do. I think being distant is freaking him out. I think he seriously expected support from me in this endeavor.

Do I think he's waking up? Not even close. But I think this shock and the huge changes will give him the best chance. I'm losing hope.

The behavior never ceases to baffle me. Oh, YOU'RE inconvenienced now? This isn't fun?? No????

Hey, buddy, you wanted this, remember??

[kml]

WEll, if you can do it without being overtly snarky, how about responding:

"I'm sure you must be excited, H, to be starting the new life that you wanted"

[LiveNow]

Shining - my H just moved into an apartment, after living with sister and BIL for one year, plus their dog. Now he is totally alone, and with plenty of time to think and read and look in the mirror. And I think this hit him hard - welcome (back) to a little reality! You may very well be right that he's feeling overwhelmed and scared. It's too bad things have to progress so far before that actually occurred to him. But, it may be the beginning of a turnaround. You never know...

[Shining]

Kml....me??? Snarky?? Lol... Yeah. Funny thing, I'm so brave on this board. I can pretend to be such a total snot. But in real life, naawwww.

I sure could say what you wrote. I've said things pretty close, and not mean. Shook him a bit,actually.

LN, I'm glad your H is starting to see it may not be as great as he thought it would.... I'm really sensing my H is already regretting some, but at same time knowing it has to happen to remove everything that was "us".

It's so silly and illogical. But it's the way it is.

This house thing is another death of sorts. I'll pick up soon.

[uRworthy]

Hey S, yea, I sometimes wonder why I havent had a crisis. Unfortunately, I just scraped the surface. My life has been a very difficult one for alot of reasons.

I think a large part of why I havent had a MLC is that I had to learn to cope in my childhood or I wouldnt have made it, so, I have pretty good coping skills.

Ok, first of all, the house..I am sorry, S. That is so hard.

Second, figuring out what you need to work on is the hardest part. Once you identify them, you can get a game plan together.

You are still early into this. Perfectly normal to still have periods of sadness.

Now about your h. That mindreading stuff is gonna get ya..LOL!

You wrote you are losing hope. I am concerned about that, for a few reasons. First, there is always hope until you decide there isnt. Second, this is a long, long ride. You are just getting started.

I can see what you are made of, S. You have to take this one day at a time.

Getting upset with you not answering....they do that. Thinking you should be happy for them....they do that, too.

In his crisis mind, it's all about him. He has no clue the impact it is having on you. So, why wouldnt you be happy?

A couple of things....the not answering him needs to eventually happen because you are too busy living your life and you are truly accepting that he has to go through this.

It really is best not to try to figure out his mindset. It is crazy all up in there.

Please dont think that the house and you not answering and him being on his own is going to have a huge impact. It may affect him, but, he still has a lot to work through.

Ok, another story for you. My xh told me he wanted to have a new, exciting life. His ow lived 6 hours away. So, as I began to GAL, I would leave the house and he would be sitting in his recliner. I'd come home, and there he would be. It happened very often.

But one day he left the chair to go to the store. So, I decorated it. When he came back, he said, now what, Ur? I said, "The chair was so happy you werent in it that it threw itself a party."

He told me a couple of months ago, the light went out of his life when I left it. I said, "I didnt leave, you did." To which he replied, "You left, I left, what's the difference?"
Um, ok, then.

Next time I saw him, I gave him a flashlight...so he never had to be in the dark again.