I think just talking with a positive, upbeat attitude will help. Sound like a confident man who is in charge of his emotions. Ask her how her visit went, what's the latest thing your daughter is in, etc. Kind of mutual territory for you both. I would not bring up the subject of the relationship or other problems. Make it a good call (on your end, at least). Mostly listen to her and validate when you can.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think just talking with a positive, upbeat attitude will help. Sound like a confident man who is in charge of his emotions. Ask her how her visit went, what's the latest thing your daughter is in, etc. Kind of mutual territory for you both. I would not bring up the subject of the relationship or other problems. Make it a good call (on your end, at least). Mostly listen to her and validate when you can.
I was very positive and upbeat last time we talked and she cried then told her sister that she was sad with what she was doing. Tonight she is expecting a talk about the relationship and wants to talk about some stuff before we meet next month.
Her sister has told me she wants a relationship but cant jump right back into a romantic one right away, and that's fine, at least there would be something to work toward.
She is never going to be able to see changes if we never talk or see each other. I'm considering telling her how I feel about her but not in a pushy way.
I think she is having trouble just calling it off completely because she is dying to have kids and we just built this new house, I don't know, she said she would try again but is scared I won't change. She won't see changes if she keeps avoiding time together.
do not tell her how you feel about her, she left you! she knows how you feel. if you need to "tell her" tell a picture of her how you feel. get it our before you talk to her. it's like the movie "something about mary". you don't wanna walk around with her without cleaning the pipes. sandi, i'd love to have some of your unique insight on my sitch. stealth, best of luck bro. don't give up!
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Stealth- seriously, this call is not about what you want and what you need. It is about what she wants and she needs.
Guaranteed she will rehash a bunch of old grievances from the past. If you defend, explain, minimize, say she misunderstood you, she is t remembering right, she did things worse to you or that forced you to respond that way, etc...all you're doing is showing her you havent changed. LIKEWISE if you focus on what you want, what you need, etc...it STILL will show how you haven't changed.
As my DB coach said, neglecting your needs is NOT the model for how the new R would work. You have needs too, and there will be a time to voice them with a C, etc. But this call is NOT that time. Until she is committed to R and interested in your needs you have to hold back and be patient. If she asks you how you feel it's probably a test. Be reserved and confident as Sandi said.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Well we had our talk, it started off normal and then became about our future together. She said I haven't been giving her what she deserves and what she's worth (her counselors words) and her company sees her potential and appreciates what's she's doing and she said that if her job sees it then someone else will too weather it's one or ten years down the road and she can't risk coming back to me for a maybe.
I did tell her I Love her but never got emotional or angry and I did tell her she's making a Mistake. I probably shouldn't have but I couldn't help it. She said she can't see a future because she has been trying so long and I don't appreciate her. I told her working away so much obviously had a part in it but she didn't want to hear it.
She said she still wants to be friends if I will allow it and still wants to talk to and see my daughter and my family. I don't know what to do. I am really considering calling and getting the engagement ring back do I can pay some bills, maybe that's wrong but I'm stuck and right now I see no hope.
She also said that she was mad that I put off getting married and having kids. I didn't put it off, we both agreed to wait until our new house was built and were making plans to do it soon but these jobs and never seeing each other put it on the backburner, maybe my fault for not taking charge and doing it sooner.
She saisd she felt that she put so Much into the relationship and never got it back from me, She feels unappreciated and finally just had enough. She it's trying to get that appreciation from her Job because she is good at it and they see it and tell her how good she is, I guess I wasn't doing that. She said she just cant do it anymore. It's really to bad because I now see what I have been doing wrong but she wants none of it.
Stealth, I don't want this to sound as if I'm talking down to you, but what will you tell your daughter one day if she says, "I couldn't help it, daddy, it was so & so's fault"? One of the early steps in this is to take responsibility for yourself. When people say they can't help that they said something.......or they ask specifically what they should do and then do what they feel like doing.......I say yes you can help it. You are a grown man. Yes, of course you can help it. But this stuff is not for wimps, so you have the choice to act like a man who is responsible for his own behavior.......or continue to say you can't help it and never grow beyond this point.
There are a lot of people looking for help. I hope you get more serious about the advice given to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Stealth, I don't want this to sound as if I'm talking down to you, but what will you tell your daughter one day if she says, "I couldn't help it, daddy, it was so & so's fault"? One of the early steps in this is to take responsibility for yourself. When people say they can't help that they said something.......or they ask specifically what they should do and then do what they feel like doing.......I say yes you can help it. You are a grown man. Yes, of course you can help it. But this stuff is not for wimps, so you have the choice to act like a man who is responsible for his own behavior.......or continue to say you can't help it and never grow beyond this point.
There are a lot of people looking for help. I hope you get more serious about the advice given to you.
I am serious and an ready to do what it takes, I'm just looking for advice for the next step, if there even is one.
I'm wondering if I should ask her to talk about financial issues and ask her for the ring back. All this is hard because we don't see each other but will in the middle of November. Should I wait until then.
