Maybell XI

[labug]

I have the NEED to have a partner who lives up to his responsibilities and I don't think it's unhealthy to be angry with him for walking away.

The anger isn't unhealthy, it's what you do with it and what you expect it to do for you that can be unhealthy.

[labug]

This is the rest of the above post.

I have the NEED to have a partner who lives up to his responsibilities and I don't think it's unhealthy to be angry with him for walking away.

The anger isn't unhealthy, it's what you do with it and what you expect it to do for you that can be healthy or unhealthy.

Holding on to it creates unhealthy resentment. Using it to show you where you need to grow and change is healthy. Allowing it to show us our boundaries is healthy. Feeling it when someone has overstepped our boundaries is healthy.

About your D, and this is going to sting a little, usually the people who evoke the most emotional response from us are those who have traits we share, traits that we don't like in ourselves.

Your D11 may be very like you (and she's the firstborn) in that she likes order, she likes to know what's coming next, she likes her ducks in a row. And now all she sees is chaos and the 2 adults she thought had it togehter, don't.

She's hurting and she's getting your attention in the only way she knows how. Kids act out for a reason.

Check out some kid's therapists. She does need a safe place that's just about her. Be proactive.

I big breath-stopping hug is being sent to you. These situations shake us to our core, and make us look at things that we've been hiding from for a long time. And when we think we've finally peeled that onion, there's another layer.

Keep peeling. We're here to support you.

[Maybell]

OK, I'm fresh back from IC and a few things got teased out there that are worth putting here for context.

My biggest frustration at the moment is the house. It's large, it's complicated, it's my responsibility. We were just barely moved in when I learned about the affair, and at that point everything kind of froze. Pictures sat on the floor for months waiting for me to hang them. Papers from the kids' old school were never sorted. Stuff that didn't have a home still doesn't. I'm unfrozen now and working to catch up, but because so much time passed but life didn't stop, I'm neck-deep in backlog and feeling overwhelmed. On top of that, winter will be coming and if it's as rough as last winter...

So IC has an organizer who will help me go through it all, purge, and get some systems in place so that it all works more smoothly once I go back to work. That will be huge. That solved most of my tears right there.

WRT my daughter... I know. This is a tough age. I realize that, which is why I vented about it here rather than complaining to her when she said it. For context, she's had a sore throat and stuffy nose the last two days and isn't feeling well (but well enough to go to school) and had kind of sort of destroyed her backpack while trying to wash it because she was too impatient to wait for my help. So I know not to take her snottiness too personally. She's been really helpful, not to mention a touch clingy, most of the time the last few months. She did ask me the other day if I was spending Thanksgiving with them and when I said I didn't think so, she flinched.

Probably counseling would be good for her. I try to be available to talk about things, but something about me isn't working for her. I've gotten advice from my IC about ways I could approach her that would help her open up and have had kind of limited success. I just want to offer counseling in a way that avoids the problem my friend described, that he wanted his parents to talk to him, not some stranger.

Maybell, I'm not swinging a 2x4 but I need to tell you that you absolutely *have* to find a way to engage him so that he owns up to his responsibility. Get a parenting plan! Until you get one that is legally recognized, you need to tell him that he has to step up to the plate when he's home. And hold him to it.

That's not a 2x4. I just don't know how to do it. My lawyer has pretty much punked out on me so I'm going to have to find a new one and start from scratch, so that's more time. And the agreement as it's written right now (which H hasn't even seen yet anyway) says "every other weekend and weeknights as practical." The time he's supposed to return them on weeknights is an hour later than the time he'd be picking them up, and I'd be keeping them for all the hard stuff anyway. So I just really do not know how to implement a weeknight visit/responsibility from him. The extent of his responsibility before he left was to come home and have dinner and then EITHER clean the kitchen OR put the kids to bed, and then go sack out in his throne and play xBox. I don't know what I would ask of him. The ONE time in the last five months that I forced the issue he took them out to eat and brought them home 90 minutes later and asked me to go along as well (I didn't).

If you have suggestions for how to do this I welcome them. I know that once I'm employed I'm going to get an afternoon babysitter for all three kids and then these issues will be moot. Though they still won't have an active dad.

I KNOW the kids are being affected by this. I can tell. I also can tell that except for the 11yo snottiness, which is normal, that they know I've got their backs. I can see it in the way they lean on me, in how my D11 asked me to help with her homework (which she didn't need), in the way they share their interests with me. But I don't know how to make it better for them.

I am learning to let things with H roll off my back better so I think from here I will be doing better for them myself. It's getting easier.

If he were dead instead of off in la-la land, what would you do?

When I saw that I wrote that I NEED a partner, I realized I sounded like a spoiled brat. Of course I don't NEED a partner. I wanted one, we made a number of choices based on our partnership, and the burden of living with those choices without the partnership that was supposed to make them work made me angry.

I think I have to 1) get the help my IC suggested with getting the house under control and 2) acknowledge that this year is going to be tough. But manageable tough. If he had dropped dead, I would be taking this year to get the house under control so I could sell it in the spring. Which is my plan for this year anyway, so I'd might as well just embrace it and carry on. I am just so sick and tired of the work of selling houses when I just want to LIVE IN THEM.

And if I were you, I'd also call a family meeting. Let the kids know that you know this is hard on them too. Ask for their patience and understanding with you and offer yours in return. And let them know that you expect them to be helpful to the household when they can and that from here on out, you want to work on having a peaceful house with respect.

I actually did this about two months ago, and it did work. I guess it has to be a renewable thing. (I had a "talking stick" we had to pass to have permission to talk -- it's a naked Barbie, the first thing that came to hand -- the kids thought it was hilarious.) Thank you for reminding me of something that I had forgotten works.

Well, you ladies must have sent me some great vibes because the attorney just called with hours for me and I get to have my meeting to move the legal stuff into place. I'm going to ask her to put language in there providing that he MUST take charge of the kids some amount midweek. I'm scared and reluctant to take this step.

I can't tell if this is a good idea or not... but when I put the legal separation agreement in front of him, I'd kind of like to say "I don't want to take this step, but I feel that the way things are going I don't have enough support or security from you to do without it. If you can commit to the responsibilities outlined in this document without our having to formalize it, it would simplify both our lives. Here's what I need from you to avoid taking this step."

The things I would list would be:
1. The increased presence in the children's lives and responsibility for them, laid out with whatever specificity I can manage.
2. A notarized document stating that it is his intention to not change anything about our finances without my prior knowledge and consent.

Failure to do both those things would trigger implementation of the legal separation.

Thoughts?

Thank you both so much for the interest you've taken in me.

[labug]

I try to be available to talk about things, but something about me isn't working for her. I've gotten advice from my IC about ways I could approach her that would help her open up and have had kind of limited success. I just want to offer counseling in a way that avoids the problem my friend described, that he wanted his parents to talk to him, not some stranger.

For context, you aren't turning your back on her or ignoring her and just shipping her off to a counselor. You're giving her another outlet. As you have trouble being vulnerable, so may she.

About the H stepping up\, if someone else wrote that paragraph, what would you say?

[Maybell]

I'd probably dodge it.

So in addition to the other areas I need to work on, learning to be vulnerable makes the list? I hadn't identified that one yet, but I can see how that's true.

[Ahoy]

Maybell, your daughter probably feels safe to be snotty with you, which you could take as a sign of her trust. She knows your love is unconditional, so she can be free to express her (sometimes difficult) emotions in that way. My daughter shares her sadness (but also her snotty teenage angst) with me, but not with H because she doesn't feel safe sharing her feelings with him.

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell,

Just my paltry 2 cents. That additional paragraph sounds a bit antagonistic to me. The "step up" or else bit. Here is the deal. I don't know if you and your h will R. However, regardless of what happens, you do share kids. So while I get your frustrations, I don't think saying "step up" or I will take legal action will be the best course of action. You can't *make* your h be a better father. Yes, he should pull his weight, however, ultimately his R with the kids is his.

[Maybell]

Oh duh

Thanks.

[Maybell]

I do not want to have a legal separation. I was looking for a way to finish writing one up and put it in front of him without having to actually advocate for executing it.

[Maybell]

Sorry for ever-posting. H just sent a text asking if I'm mad at him and I don't know how to answer.