1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 6

[Starsky309]

mdu, I think you are struggling because your husband simultaneously has not AGREED to be transparent with you, and yet he now is ACTING transparently in his day-to-day interactions with you, including on some pretty big issues.

Only you can decide what to do with that. I can only go by how you relate things to us here (that's all ANY of us can go on), but he does seem sincere to me, and I do think he's trying.

At the same time, I believe he is the personality type (and has the past track record of someone) who would rather not be pinned down by something, and would rather "wing it" day to day and not have to make a Big Commitment.

I see you struggling with whether or not that's a dealbreaker for you.


Starsky

[mdu]

As always Starsky, I think you've nailed it.

I do feel I need a bigger commitment from him. I've been grappling with whether to confront him about it now or hold off and see how things unfold. Fortunately, he followed through on getting MC references so we'll be setting up an appointment soon (definitely another good positive). I think it would be best if I plan to have this discussion with him under the guidance of a MC but I do think I need to ask for more from him in order to feel comfortable continuing to move forward.

[Wonka]

MDU,

Let's review your sitch's progress over the past month, shall we??

-ML twice
-H accepted/accepts your deliciously, outrageously GOOD baked stuff
-Starting to open up about the A
-Offering to give you updates while on company outing tmw
-Offered you to accompany him to the vendor event Thurs nite
-Is working on finding a MC in the area
-Drinking your STFU juice (shhhh...don't tell, it's actually Shirley Temple )

I'd say....pretty DARN good!!! You need to applaud those positives. They are all laid out right in front of you and YET you focus on the tiny, tiny negative parts that blows up very large in your head.

The tiny part is that H isn't at home. That is really, really tripping you up every time. Every SINGLE time. Please set aside all thoughts about H coming home. Really.

Your H isn't your H. He is your new boyfriend. Treat him like a new boyfriend....listen to him like a lover. Validate him and thank him for opening up to you as you imagine that it is difficult for him.

Keep the road home paved smooth, MDU! C'mon...focus, baby!

Game plan for tomorrow:

-When H texts you, keep your responses light, fluffy, breezy...if you can, use humor.
-Use neon red "Stop Sign" in your head if you find your mind straying into OW. She's nuthin'!!!!!! She doesn't take up space in your head rent-free!

Let me qualify that...the XOW is the furthest thing on your mind. Nothing. She's a gnat that has been squashed by H. Good for him!

Going forward, I'm gonna say "XOW" for the A is truly over. Trust me.

Serene. Confident. Peacefulness. Joy. That's the new MDU.

[Train]

I second every, single thing Wonka just said. Including this, which begs to be repeated:

The tiny part is that H isn't at home. That is really, really tripping you up every time. Every SINGLE time. Please set aside all thoughts about H coming home. Really.

I'd spend a lot of time trying to find my focus and center right now when things are on the upswing, mdu. There's A LOT of hard work ahead. You asked the other day, when you were on Cloud 9 after ML, for people to tell you about the potential land mines. I didn't respond then because it would have just rained on your parade. I STILL don't want to rain on your parade, but - as you already know - I'm not good at holding back and coddling.

As Starsky once told me: "your sitch has reconciliation written all over it."

But the hardest part comes when they've bitten the hook. Because THEN we can relax a little on the "re-attraction" and "affair-busting" part of DBing. But when we let our defenses down, allllll our feelings about what our WASs did come washing in. There's doubt, confusion, sadness, ANGER, bitterness, a loss of trust and "innocence."

I only tell you this because I really, really want to see you guide your marital ship toward steady waters. And you MUST keep yourself and your anxiety and fears in check to do that. Focus on what TRULY matters here. And (as much as I feel it falls on deaf ears), I'll say something I believe wholeheartedly (even - in fact ESPECIALLY - now that my H is back at home and we are grappling with everything TO THIS DAY): slow and steady. Don't rush it.

Your M is for LIFE. Devote the time it takes NOW to make sure that's the case.

Rushing will just hurt you - and your M - in the end.

But that's just my opinion.

[Wonka]

Hare or turtle? MDU, who do you think wins?

[Train]

^^^ Best question of the day right there. (((Standing ovation, Wonka.)))

[mdu]

Hmmmm....but at some point I truly feel I deserve more from him. Not just coming home but full transparency. Yes I suspect that H is truly being faithful now but I'm also no fool & know that it's easy to backslide in these situations, especially with OW so accessible. When do I get all that I need & deserve to reassure me a given this mess??

[Train]

You ABSOLUTELY deserve full transparency. AND his agreement to a full transparency plan.

The point, mdu, is that if it were my H, I wouldn't want him back in my house until he agreed to one.

But you keep pushing for him to move back in *without* one.

So what's it going to be?

[Train]

(Our point is: stop getting so wrapped up in H moving back home RIGHT NOW. You get caught up in that every time.)

[mdu]

No, no. I absolutely am not pushing for him home without one! I want him home & I want the transparency plan. I definitely will not let him back in the house without it.