I caught up. Like Maybell let me say that I hear you. Every single word you wrote resonates with me and I feel your frustration and anger.
Perhaps it's time to write a letter that you don't send. What would you say to him? How would you say it?
I so desperately want just the simple opportunity to SHOW H what I've learned and that I know HOW now. Not being given that opportunity seems like the greatest injustice.
I hear you too Claire, and I'm so sorry, it's awful
I can't remember, is there an OW in your sitch?
As awful as it is, it does tend to explain a lot. H and I had issues for sure, but definitely the "there's zero possibility of fixing them" never was part of the equation until he found the possibility of someone else.
Hate to freak you out if it's not the case. Although I must say there was a twisted relief in knowing I was NOT crazy.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
He told me that there was no one else before he left. But now he is "dating". I don't know when that started, or if that means just one person in particular or not. I have no access to his email or FB. So, who knows.
Maybe he is following me here after all. Normally I hesitate to post his messages verbatim (although anyone who knows me could easily identify me here), but I just got this email:
"Hi Claire.
I realize I never replied to this note (about the welcome home sign), but in the meantime, did send you a message that was surely difficult to read; about (our next mediation meeting) I realize, too, that perhaps that order of things may have implied a lack of sensitivity - or at least, was suboptimal.
I find it hard to determine the best reaction to a sentiment like the one you expressed. I'm appreciative. I'm regretful. I am sad. I do not think I am angry at all, but I also probably have a variety of other emotions I can't identify.
I don't want you think that these things you write fall on deaf ears. They don't. But I also have trouble turning my feelings into a reply. Maybe, for now, you should just know that D3 was so proud of that sign. And it made me really happy that she had that feeling, could express it and that she would be able to share it with you. All of that was meaningful and lasting.
Have a good night and see you in the morning.
Now what? He's just so done and won't even let himself think in any other way. I give up.
I want to share with him something that MWD recently posted on her FB page:
"My default position when I work with couples is that, "This marriage can be saved."
Of course, I am not always right, BUT what I've learned over the years and want everybody to know is that most relationship problems are solvable. You don't just "fall out of love."
There are things people do on a daily basis that either nurtures or diminishes love. A failure to take love-promoting actions is usually based on a lack of skills about what it takes to make a marriage loving. These skills can be learned.
Here's what I've noticed: new relationship skills + motivation + determination = falling back in love again. Don't give up hope, learn how to have a great marriage.
I want to ask him, "How can you not be willing to even try at all? I deserve some explanation. I deserve for you to try to remember why you fell in love with me in the first place, and put your commitment and our daughter above your fear, or pride, or hurt, or whatever.
I think it is GREAT that he is trying to set the record straight about the order of his replies "implying a lack of sensitivity". The "suboptimal" phrase is "clientele" speech but maybe he's like that.
He's expressing himself. He "finds it hard to determine the best reaction". He doesn't want you to feel like your words are falling on deaf ears. He doesn't know how he feels. This ONLY means that he needs more time. Time to think, I guess.
I think it's good in some ways. He does seem detached but I don't know him like you so his lack of more flowery language may just be his style.
I don't know. What are your instincts. Now is the time to vent about this.
Ss, you totally nailed it. (That writing style is something I've called him out on in the past). He writes these messages like they were to a business client. Ironically, (and I apologize to him and his mom if either of them see this, but it is relevant here, I think): she has called his father "emotionally unavailable"-- and that was one of the reasons they D when my H and his brother were just a few years old. (and, for the record, his mom remarried someone who is VERY emotive.)
And... another point worth noting: the friends whose relationships he thinks are most successful all have H's who are open with their feelings. Hmmm. Coincidence?
