Hello everyone and I hope you all are having better days and making progress!
Well, I got a call from W last night (as soon as I saw it was her #, I knew it wouldn't be good!). So, once again the IRS sent my W info that they just shouldn't have sent her as all the info should be coming to me at my address, something that I thought they handled but they got the send to my address right but failed to address it to both of us so it was redirected to W's new address!
Well, of course W is all upset and worried. Why is this happening? What did I do to "make" this happen? (she tried so very hard to find some way to blame ME for this it was ridiculous!). I remained calm, I explained (for the 100th time it seems) what exactly was going on, what I have already done and what my plans are for when all the different issues are worked out (hire a tax attorney, that I have already spoken to a very good one that the owner of the startup I'm at has used for his many businesses, spent MANY hours on the phone talking to IRS, etc.). She refuses to relax, wants to not believe me when I tell her the facts, I refuse to allow her to get to me. Finally after she actually "seemed" (I say that because with an MLCer she could change before she finishes hanging up the phone!) to actually back down even said "I'm trusting you to take care of this....". WHAT! Did I just hear that correctly? You are "trusting" me about, well, anything? I tell her that I will keep her in the loop about any new things that I get from the IRS, any developments, etc.
I change the subject and I tell her that I saw her on the road when I was with D14 on our way to her mother's house to pick up food that she made for us (God bless my MIL, she cooks great meals and when I have D14, she always makes at least a day or two's worth of healthy meals for us!). W brightens up a bit, talks about what she picked up (she gets individual size ones of the same thing when I have D) and I swear she actually sounded "nice". I even made her laugh once or twice! Not only that, when there was a pause I was the one to say "Well, I have to go....". I also noticed on Sunday that my W was wearing a religious medal I had given her as a gift, when she came over. Since she left I haven't seen her wear any jewelry I have given her in the last 26 years! And a religious item to boot! She has refused since B-day to step foot in a church, even when her grandmother asked her why she wasn't going for Easter she told her "I'm a bad person Grammy, I don't belong in church", it's like she is afraid she will burst into flames if she stepped in a church!
After having her actually act (almost) like a human being while at my home this weekend (of course she was 3 hours late, took more than we agreed, stayed far enough away to avoid any incidental touches, etc. but hey, she didn't have a tantrum and run around the house screaming) and now these small steps, could it be that she is thawing, just a bit? Well, I really think it helps that she hasn't seen her father for the last 10 days. It seems the longer she is apart from him, the more decent she becomes. Of course, I DB'd my Butt off while she was around and I never said "no" to her about anything she wanted to take, stayed calm when she cut into my time that I told her was important (watching the football game), was friendly with her BFF and her BFF's boyfriend, helped her pack, etc. I really never gave her a chance to get upset and even (tried) to joke around with her like we used to do.
Between picking up D14 and her texts to me about money (or lack of me paying enough) I have stayed TOTALLY dark. I never initiate contact unless it's something like when I took my D to get her eyes checked, that kind of thing. Since her father hasn't been around to "make up" for all the bad he has done, I don't think W hasn't been doing much except working. I really think when she isn't with him and her new "mom", she has nothing but alone time and work time and of course time to think about whether she is any "happier" now that she has left me. Could it be that she has been able to make at least a little progress on her issues? Who knows. I certainly hope so, for her and our D's sake at least. It makes no difference to me and what I need to do for me. I just need to be thankful that the weekend and the IRS thing coming back up didn't go the way that they have in the past. With all that's going on with D14 right now, I'm so glad that W didn't add any more stress to my life, thank goodness.
Also, this morning things went much better with D14 getting up and ready to get to school on time. We still left 10 min's past when I wanted but we did make it on time. Yeah!! I was even able to get her to find time to at least take some food to eat in the car on the way. A definite victory compared with day one! Now I just need her to not expect me to wait for her at her mothers while she does her homework there. I just don't like being there and D14 needs to see that there is really no reason to go there every day when she is with me.
So, a slight improvement over the last couple weeks. Now I really badly need to get some GAL time in! It's harder when I have my D14 to find the time but it's been too long and I need it badly! Nice to finally not have only bad things to report! Thank goodness!
So happy to hear this report Matt. Keep get better, keep focus on you and your D's. Pointless to focus on W at this time. Keep it light when dealing with W.
I actually called my H today before he went to work to ask about his cousin and how my H was feeling (H been sick with allergies). It was a nice pleasant call, he sounded tense at 1st (he usally calls me) but end of call he sounded relaxed.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
From your last thread. I just wanted to emphasize this and call some additional attention to it.
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her relationship with her dad is the biggest thing she wants to "replay" now that she is in MLC!
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As her father I have to make sure that I don't make things worse. In fact it's up to me to do all I can to help her through this with the least amt. of pain and hurt
Now you are starting to see the light, my friend! A point of clarification though - not with the least amount of hurt. With the right amount of hurt and the tools to deal with this and anything else that comes after. Why? Because her family was torn apart. Her parents, the foundation of her ability to judge a "normal" relationship, have called it quits (not evenly, but you get the perspective.) The very people she relies on to teach her what "normal" and "healthy" mean, are not acting that way.
Has a way of turning one's life upside down as you've noted about your W. Not saying your childhood was roses (it could have been), but now you know what dysfunctional looks like and the repurcussions.
Parents do the best they can. As long as the focus is on the well-being of the child and their life, you have a good handle on things. If you deviate from that and focus on yourself, you de-value the relationship and destroy everything you have worked on until now.
You don't need both parents to cooperate to help the child. You don't need the child in close proximity to have an impact.
You need to clear your head of the immediate hurt and betrayal and look long term for the sake of your child.
To do otherwise? You'll impact the chances of the child having a bad relationship or a relationship that goes sour later. Can't predict, but wouldn't you want to give them every possible chance?
You see the impact and how it lasts for many years. It's incredibly hard to get away from family of origin issues. It's why you see in the bible where it talks about "..to the fourth generation." FO issues can last for generations.
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to look at my grandkids and see my negative feelings (however appropriate they may seem at the time) to affect them.
And your daughters learn how a man should treat them by how you behave - toward them and toward their mother. Regardless of what she's done or if she is deserving.
Each time you're faced with something you have to do or say in front of your daughters, ask yourself how it may affect them 20 years from now. Before you speak if you can.
It'll take some practice to figure that out and make it natural. Don't beat yourself up for doing your best and sometimes failing. But know the consequences and do better the next time.
We're all human. I've made some mistakes with the kids. I know I regret those mistakes, but at the same time I'm not inhuman. I know my shortcomings. I also know the kids needed to know about "some" of the things and whether or not they are "normal" or other. What I've found is that they figured it out very quickly on their own. They've let slip some of their thoughts over the years. Additionally, I know they don't need me to tell them. It just adds to the pain if I were to do that and I am NOT willing to do that to my kids. At any cost. That cost has been high in some cases, but I consider it an investment in my kids futures and I'm very willing to pay it.
As for your W's behavior? Don't get used to it, Matt. If you can string some of those days together, it would be great. If not, it's still great. Because it's not your place to control it.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Good to hear from you 2B and AJ, You are so right AJ. I have been lucky enough to have parents that have been married for 55 years. Even in my large, extended family of Aunts, Uncles and cousins, there are very, very few D's. It's just not something my family does. Family ties are very important. Total contrast to W's family and boy, has it hurt them. MIL lives alone and has never even dated since her D (26 years ago) and she's 70! BIL has been in jail several times, married a horrible woman whom he had 3 kids with, and was just arrested once again. Of course, you know about my W and her depression history and now her MLC. I really don't think my W could have avoided her MLC no matter what. The moment her father came back into her life, that just sealed it.
No way I want the same to happen to my D's that happened to my W or her family. I never wanted to be in this position but now that I am, I have no choice but to do everything in my power to help them not have to go through that.
Let's get one thing straight Matt. You always have choices. To not, would make you a victim and powerless. But you have choices.
You are just choosing the harder of the paths. I admire that. I think that's very difficult and especially difficult to do so knowingly for the sake of your kids.
In your situation, I've made the same choices. I am incredibly grateful I did. Although I've been flexible and willing to learn (and boy have I), I've lived my core values. There were some values I thought I had that it turned out were really not that important. But my core values? I've lived those come hell or high water.
I look in the mirror and like the guy I see. I look at how I've treated my kids through this and I'm happy to say I've done my best to protect them. It hasn't always looked how I thought it would, but with patience and a larger perspective, I'm very happy for my actions and thoughts.
I won't lie to you. It's not easy. It's a narrow path my friend. Not many can do it. Not many can see the end game. The long term vision. Not many can transition from what they were to what they will be very easily. Some get stuck somewhere between. But seeing that long term vision and having the integrity to stick to it regardless of the immediate consequences to get the long-term benefit for our kids? Priceless!
I would do it again in a heartbeat at any cost.
I've had my moments, Matt. I've had my anger. Sometimes still do. But I've noticed that's more when I lose my perspective and long-term sight. It happens. But I've learned to quickly re-group and regain my perspective. I've learned what's important and what's not and I choose my kids well-being over anything else.
That long term vision is very helpful, Matt. It's why I've asked. There no right or wrong answer that I can give you. But I can say that if you have it, it'll help you greatly
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Why, oh, way can't my W give me just a LITTLE break? I need to stop thinking about my D, her, my D's and think about making some money!
My lawyer called me and left a message. I can't believe what she is doing! She actually said that I cashed in my retirement "against her wishes" (yeah, at the time she had just told me that she would NEVER leave the M so I would get a vasectomy and the only thing she said was "Are you sure you should do that? Maybe it would be better if you didn't." I told her that we would need the extra cash and that was the only conversation we had on it). If she had said "Well, I'm thinking of leaving you so..." I wouldn't have done it! She is claiming that she is paying ALL of D's expenses, school lunches, medical, etc. Well, so far she has paid $30 toward school lunches and only because she didn't tell me HOW to add to it! She paid $50 for contacts (my D has glasses, she doesn't NEED contacts!) and $40, toward a DR. vist! (that came out of a HSA that by rights is community property). I bought school clothes for her and she had plenty of clothes when my W left just 2 months ago!
I can't believe her. From the start of this she said I could keep the house. It was why I agreed to let her put my D14 into the school closest to HER, (I thought if I had the house it would give SOME stability to my D14 and D19!) I am the one put out by her, driving 30 miles every day I have D14 for school! It was why I let her keep ALL of our best furniture. I just can't believe her! And to think I let her back into my home last weekend. She did it with no notice because she knew I hadn't heard her lawyers response yet and she knew if I had I wouldn't have let her! She can't be trusted. She was the one who said that D doesn't hurt kids as long as the parents behave well! This is not behaving well. This is lying and thieving! I just can't be nice to her at all anymore! It just backfires on me every time. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to act like this is some kind of "war" but that is what she is turning it into!
Every time I think that maybe, just maybe things are quieting down, she does something like this! NO MORE! I need to fight for what is mine, I'm done with the selfishness. She may be in MLC and not be able to see what she is doing but I can! And unless the court buys into her lies (which is possible. Women seem to have the upper hand in this state!) she will succeed!
I also found an old journal that I kept when my W first became depressed.(W wanted to go through her books and I found it in a book case) I only read a small part of it but it brought back all the memories of how she acted, the way she hurt our D's, me, herself! The way she was so unable to function. How she stopped doing anything, no cooking, no cleaning, no picking up the kids from school, all she did was play video games, sleep and moan about her life and how unfair everything is! All that pain came flooding back. The worry if she would still be alive since she kept saying how she wasn't sure she wanted to go on. The days I got calls from the school when she was still picking them up to say she just didn't show up and they couldn't reach her. (Turned out she fell asleep at her mothers house). How my older D (who was 13 at the time) started acting out because her mother wouldn't pay any attention to her except to yell at her! It made me feel like maybe I SHOULD be glad to be rid of her! Now this!
I'm tired. I'm done "standing". I'm done being the nice guy. The amount of work that this house (which is paid for) needs now, let alone over the next 4 years, will more than offset any amount she would get if it was sold today, as is (if it even could be!). It needs a new roof, new A/C, new floors in most of the house. The septic will need work. The foundation is in need of repair. Now, instead of making it nicer and "my own" I will have to put my money into it and she will benefit! No way! Not after all I gave up. I can't stand this any more. I can't believe this is the person who I loved and cared for for all those years. Through years of depression/anxiety. After this I don't think I will EVER be able to have any kind of relationship with her. I can't see co-parenting with her with the attitude she has had so far. I am starting to think I should bring up her mental state in relation to being able to care for her D14. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to think that maybe she will be able to handle things on her own but now I wonder. If she is willing to lie, to say she is paying "all" of D's expenses which to date don't add up to much and have come from community funds (except the $30 in lunches) and really believe she is being put out by this, I'm starting to think she is losing her grip on reality..again! It was just several months ago when she said that she wasn't sure she "..wanted to go on.." just like when she was so badly depressed. Well, I don't think she ever got over her depression and I know she wasn't able to care for even herself back them, let alone a 14 year old D!
Tell me, am I not seeing this right? Am I just angry due to her not keeping her word so not seeing this right? Or am I right in thinking it's time to bring out everything. The depression, the fact that she expressed that she may not want to live just months ago? That she is still on AD's (as far as I know at least) and how she behaved when she was at her worst? I didn't want to do that. I wanted to do this in a way that gave her the benefit of the doubt. I let her have so much. Let her have her way over and again and now this! Tell me that I am doing the right thing and not just acting out of her being so very unfair. She has gone back on every thing we have agreed to now from the start. Just like with the vasectomy she just "changed her mind" I suppose after I have given up everything already that was important.
What do I do in your opinions? Do I stop trying to be more than fair now that i KNOW she is willing to lie (although since she is in MLC she may actually believe her lies are true! God knows she has rewritten history so very much and seems to believe her version!) or do I stop and start fighting back. I'm at a cross-roads people. Help me see which way is the best way to move forward!
MLC or not, W is really crossing your boundaries and pushing it. We've all said here previously and will again here: talk with your L and push back against W. It's been months since you've not acted with our advice.
What can we do, Matt? We cannot and will not twist your arm. You are the one that has to make the decision here. What's best for you and your DDs?
Then work with your L with that goal in mind and yes...W will GET MAD at you. Tuff chit.
To me it sounds like your W has got a lot of work to do, and she hasn't even started yet. I didn't remember the part about her depression---it sounds like you've been dealing with a difficult R for quite some time.
Yes, it's reasonable to be angry and frustrated when you discover that you can no longer trust your life partner. I think that's where you're at.
She doesn't sound trustworthy and you need to protect yourself and your children from her actions.
I'm with Wonka. Time to call in the legal team and put a stop to this. All the DBing in the world isn't going to protect your financial assets.
As Wonka said, she'll get mad. So what? What is she going to do? Lie to you, cheat on you, go into your house without your permission and take things that aren't hers?
Sounds like all that is water under the bridge. From what I can see, she's not really holding too many cards here.
You go ahead and play your hand out and see what happens next. Time to draw that line in the sand.
---GGG
Just my opinion!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Hi Wonka, I did talk to my lawyer. I pushed back by saying that I should get the house because I had to pay for her law suit from before we were married, that I cashed in my retirement so that we had more to live off of, this was her response to all that. That I only cashed in my retirement over her "protests". That she is paying a "majority" of D14's expenses...even though she has only been gone for less than 2 months and the only 'expenses" were $30 in lunches and going to the Dr. one time (along with the contacts). She just doesn't admit to the things I have done like take off of work because she didn't tell me D14 failed her school eye test a month before and had to see the eye Dr. BEFORE going back two days later. Or the fact that she has taken 90% of the antiques. My lawyer seems to think she has good points and much of the reason I allowed her to do things like refinance her car and put my D14 into school near her was because she LIED about not asking for the house! That will be hard to prove in court especially since she seems willing to lie about things.
I know I shouldn't have thought this but I really didn't think my W would go this low! Her sense of entitlement has become so very strong. She doesn't care that I have put myself out by picking up my D even when she is with my W. That I have spent much more of my income on our D14 as a % of what I make than she has. That for 90% of our M she REFUSED to work, even when the girls were in school and she easily could have. That for the last 8 years she wasn't a wife or mother but a selfish jerk that cared only about herself and her friends and having her daddy back in her life. What value does the court place on these things?
I had my lawyer file a writ to stop her from coming to my home when I'm not here but she had already taken most of what she wanted except the big stuff and now most of that is gone but I want it back now.
This whole idea that I get to live here until D14 is "18 years and a day" is all her fathers idea. Now I find out that she has been talking about this to our D14. On the way home from school I said to her that we may need to sell the house and asked how she felt about that. When she asked why I explained what her mom is wanting to do and she said "Yea, I knew about that. Grandpa Doug said to do that."! I, by believing her lies, have set myself back and now I find myself behind the 8 ball.
I guess the biggest thing to ask is about talking to the court about my W's mental state. I wanted to avoid that as much as possible but I guess I will just have to use EVERY means at my disposal including bringing this up. It just feels like something that is not the "high road" but it will show the court that she can't seem to keep to any agreements and why.
I'm trying to fight back but at the same time stick to the "high road". But by doing this I may find myself losing.
Thanks GGG(G), It seems like my W understood this when she first decided to leave. Now that daddy got involved she has forgotten all that she put us through and all that I did for her. Time to get out the big stick and draw that line! Thanks!
