Advice with WAW

[sandi2]

My question to the vets, obviously I don't want this and she REALLY wants to get this over with. There are things that we haven't discussed at all. I don't want to bring them up because I am trying to detach from it, but how do I let her know it's not too late to save this? I am sure people will say don't bring it up but I need some advice on this

What you have here is basically two opposite opinions, and you want to sway your W over to your way of thinking about saving the M.

The problem lies in the fact you cannot tak her out of a D, and you cannot talk her in to saving the M.

It seems most LBH'S want to save the M or turn the R around by talking. Doesn't work on a WAW. in her mindset, it is too late, and you would be wasting your breathe......and probably make things worse.

You can tell her a D is not what you want, but you won't stand in her way.

That means she has to do the leg work. However, you get legal advice and protect yourself. Just b/c it is not what you want doesn't mean you aren't going to be smart.

[Dpthght]

Thanks sandi, I didn't say anything to her this weekend outside of discussing the finances and logistics of the D. W found a place to rent and will be moving her stuff out within two weeks it looks like. Feels like we are on an express lane to the D, probably filed by EOM.

Thanks everyone for all the advice and listening

[Dpthght]

Need to text her but won't,,,

I lay in bed, my hand resting where your thigh was, wishing I could feel the warmth of your skin again. I miss you and only wish to have that feeling again. Good night my love

[FunDad]

I know that terrible feeling in the middle of the night that's all about missing your spouse (and in my case kids too). Unfortunately that's when the pain, loneliness, fear, rejection, abandonment, worry, and doubt seem to mount their most effect attack and rob you of your peace. Not being able to eat for days, and having your foundation crumbled out from underneath you.

Some ideas for you:
- Don't be alone in the house at night if you can help it
- Don't drink coffee in the afternoon(makes me nervous at nght)
- Exercise in the evening
- Melatonin at bedtime (It's a vitamin sold at walmart)

Also, I have discovered that by not contacting my wife very much during this whole mess I'm less depressed. Meaning no expectations = more peace. When I'm not feeding her chaos engine it helps slow this thing down and in turn results in a more PMA for me even thought I still love her and miss her dearly. I have no idea what she's up to and honestly now I'd probably rather not know. I do know however what I'm up during the detachment phase (that replaces my normal focus on her) and that includes:
- Prayer
- Listening to Praise and Worship. Fun rock music helps too.
- Little Experiments in kindness to my spouse (no expectations)
- Spending time with kids (we worked out a schedule)
- Working on the house (that I still live in)
- Exercising
- Getting back involved in Church
- Spending time with my Grandma (who is in her 90s)
- Regular visits to the Chiropractor
- Getting plenty of rest
- Meeting with a group of men, who care and support
- Hanging out with old friends and reconnecting
- Finding things that are funny (humor is like a med)
- Picking up hitch-hikers to show kindness
(this is not for everyone)
- Regular counseling visits and monitoring progress
- Focusing on my son who is still living with me.
- Reading Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough
- Reading the Divorce Remedy
- Checking here daily
- Speaking to an attorney to help prepare me in case it does go that direction (I'm not filing first, she must do that).

Here are some resources for help to:
Unleash the power of forgiveness in your life(and be set free):
http://www.marriagetoday.com/overcoming-unforgiveness/

Get Motivated (where is your mind at?):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDp2D5HLLMM

Hope this help bro.

FunDad

[sandi2]

Why would she leave something like that for the whole world to see?

It is easy to do when you are fogged out of your mind.

I just really wish she would admit it, but that probably will never happen. Just frustrating is all, especially when she leaves it out there for the whole world to see.

Don't get hung up about her admitting it. What do you expect from it, if she did? Do you think the two of you would talk things over and work it out, or get MC?

[Dpthght]

Honestly sandi I'm not sure. The main reason I want her to bring it up it to face it, own it, and move on. I deeply care for her and if she isn't going to be honest with me then she will just do it again to someone else (although at that point it isn't my problem). Also for myself, discussing it would allow me to truly come to terms with it, but maybe it wouldn't who knows.

She just texted me and told me she was approved for the house she wants to rent. I just responded "that's nice, I hope you enjoy it." No response obviously from her. How do I proceed from here?

[sandi2]

The main reason I want her to bring it up it to face it, own it, and move on.

So it would be for her sake?

[Dpthght]

Probably more for her sake than mine, but I still need to go through that process, at least I think I do.

Fundad

Sorry I missed your post, I like your ideas but I have already done them for the most part lol. I don't drink coffee anymore (stomach issue), I ride my bike to work and back every day and do longer rides on the weekends. I try very hard to not be alone in the house except for maybe a hour of chill time before bed. I have been reconnecting with friends that I haven't spoken to in years, even have a phone call tonight with what used to be my best friend from my hometown. I try and hang out with people who have had the same decision crammed down their throat. Thank goodness Football (American) is back on which is something I love watching and eases the weekends a little bit.

I also started picking back up old hobbies that I let go by the wayside, eating much better, drinking less (not that it was a problem before). Focusing on the house is something I have been doing as well since I am keeping it. I don't have any kids (thank God) so luckily that isn't an issue. I have been seeing a IC, I only have 3 more visits then I will have to find a way to pay for that out of my pocket (which means I probably won't continue).

The only thing from your post that I am still not ready for is religion. I am spiritual, but certainly NOT religious. I do pray at night, oddly enough more for the W than for myself.

I have the attorney lined up and all the ducks are in a row, I certainly will not be filing first and will make her do that. I won't stand in her way regarding it but I am certainly not going to help her kill this thing.

I will definitely check out those articles you recommended.

Thanks

[FunDad]

How do I proceed from here?

One thing I had to do way to make sure my mail was not forwarded to her new place when she submitted her change of address. I called the post office and they straightened it out.

My wife's love language is acts of service. While I was still being tender and helpful before she moved, I brought her moving boxes. It was hard, but I wanted to show her I cared for her and would still be helpful. Not sure you want to do that however. I did not help them pack or move initially. Later I helped moved some beds and washer/dryer in.

[Dpthght]

Yeah I don't really know how to handle that one when she starts moving stuff out. The only thing big she will be taking is a bed and her office desk, I am sure she will have someone help her out with it though. I certainly don't want to be watching as she is packing up everything.