H's MLC #4

[2BHappy]

Matt
I feel each day I get closer to making that choice to no longer stand!
My H is not "mean" he is not "doing" anything other then ignoring his marriage to me and ignoring me as a woman...which is not good, but I'm trying to say... he is coming home after work, home on his day off, stepping up more then in the past to help with our son day to day stuff, he initiates the family day on his day off, he calls me daily, we can and do still laugh and talk about anything. He cooks, cleans (always has. We have sex, He does not complain when I say I need extra money for son or bills (well not like he use to) He still buys me gifts for bday, christmas, anniversay. I mean he is better in alot of ways but has totally shut down on being my H, being my man.
It seems like we are maybe working on our friendship which maybe got lost along the way...

It's just not enough for me, and I knwo when I was the WAS it was not enough for him,,,but I dont know how much longer I can continue...

[Lifes Twists]

If Matt drops the word sometimes from his statement that " Sometimes nothing will "make" them see the truth" He will be correct. Nothing you do or say will make them see the truth. They have to get to the point where they are willing or even want to see the truth.

You have to be true to yourself. Be who you are or work on who you want to be. Don't mold yourself to who you think they want you to be. If its not right with you don't do it and even speak up about it. By doing that you are letting go. Its up to them if they like who you are or who you become. Its up to them if they want to try. Its up to you if you want them back. By focusing on yourself you will be doing both yourself and them a favor.

[2BHappy]

@Life

So now if he is late again to son game, should I say something?

If I want to go on a date with him, should I invite him?

The speak up about it,,,is where I need to be careful with my words.

Should I have just told H, that it hurt my feelings that he got off work and went to watch football game with other oldest instead of coming home to watch with us. And that I hurt during s14 game as s14 constantly scanned the crowd looking for his dad?

One of the things Im working on to be a better me is to NOT comment on everything little thing,,to pick my battles, to know when to speak and when to hold my tongue" In my sessions with pastor, this is something that has damaged my R in the past. The words I speak can be like loaded weapons.

This is something that I work on for all my R's with son, mom, friends and coworkers.

[Atsbaby]

Maybe just use the I statements to let him know how you feel. Something like, "I was really bummed that I didn't get to enjoy watching the game with you." Make sure it's about you and not him. Then walk away.

As for your S14, talk with him "I noticed you were looking for dad while trying to play your game. Have you told dad how you feel about him not being there at the start?" Don't get into the middle of their issues. You will seem like you are mothering your H. Guide your S to openly talk to his dad about the way he is being treated.

As for the date thing, maybe just mention you were interested in doing x,y,z and wanted to see if he would like to tag along. It's an open invitation, but remember not to have expectations. Then go do x,y,z.

Good luck with what ever you decide to try!

[job]

Atsbaby's posting is spot on. By using the "I" word, you aren't pointing fingers at what he is or isn't doing. You are letting him know how you feel about things.

I do agree that your S14 is old enough to have talks w/his father about how he's feeling and being treated. Encourage this bonding and then step back a little and see how it goes. You don't want to come off looking like your h's "mother" in all of this.

Stating that you are interested in doing something and inviting him is a good way to test the waters. It gives him the option of whether or not to go w/you. If he doesn't want to go along, plan to go on your own.

Good luck and keep your expectations low.

[Shining]

2B,
You know your H and sitch best, so take this for just another perspective. I personally like having multiple options, and choosing what I think works best for me. I have a different technique that has worked well in my sitch, and I have not had anger spewed at me since.

If you truly believe your H is in MLC, then talking about your feelings will be as effective as nailing jello to a tree. (I think Wonka described that somewhere...sorry if wrong credit). That one stuck in my head.

Trying to deal with MLCers the same way you would in a normal relationship will probably not have the desired outcome.

You can certainly tell H your feelings were hurt. But still keeping expectations at zero, right? That means once you say it, let go of needing his reaction to be what you want.

MLCers don't really care about your feelings. It's all about them. They can't cope with your feelings, because their own are too much to handle.

My H wanted to be away from me, and disassociate everything from me. Hence, the S. So I removed as much "me" as I could.

I stopped using "I" statements. This is not a traditional approach, and I do not recommend that everyone should do this. But the mere mention of "I feel" would make the hairs stand up on the back of my H neck.... Not at all what I was going for .

I started restructuring my sentences to take the feeling out. State facts. "Something happened the other night. When you went to watch the game at oldest's house, it was fun here, but would have been better with you here, too. It's great that you spent time with oldest, though. He probably enjoyed seeing you very much." Then leave it.

Probably not the best example I can do, but hopefully you get where I'm going. The point is, you want him to know your preference. This way takes some of the pressure off by removing emotion ("hurt feelings"=negativity and guilt inducing), removing you (his perceived cause of unhappiness), and removing an expectation of a response (pressure that pushes him away). He can hear the facts, and do with the info what he wants.

I found with my h, using the word "you", which is a big no-no in traditional counseling, when in a non-accusatory or non-blaming, got through to him. Because he's all about him.

Also, I found that beginning a conversation by validating, or empathizing something to test the waters, opened him up to hear other things.

Again, this is just my experience. For what it's worth. .

[2BHappy]

TODAY is also "family day" I never know if it will be Tuesday or Monday. Not in the mood today, so H has me meet S14 and him out to eat directly after I got off. We had a gift card for the place and the balance I ask him to pay,,,he says "you are always in my pocket,,love spending my money" WTF I LOL and said Yes I love it. We are not rich, and H gives me 1/2 bills and 1/2 of things for our son...no idea where else I get to spend allllll his money. This is a delusion he has had for years.

AND he made a big deal out of letting me know that he and s14 will be watching 1st monday night game at home 2night.

I need a LARGE drink, and some sleeping pills!!

And then he promised s14 brownies,,,which now they both expect me to make...I told H get box mix and ice cream from store, they can spend time making that together!!!

[2BHappy]

Shining,,,I will think about this...I know H does not like when I say "you" or "I" right now...too much pressure.

If I bring up anything it will be that I'm not sure how much longer I will continue on like this...but that is a R talk which I need to avoid. I dont even really want him to know anything he does bothers me at all.

I will work on helping s14 speak to his dad about how he feels.

[2BHappy]

OMgoodness
I had a dream I ask H if he still wanted to be married, H said no, I said then lets get a D. I then told s14 who said he was ok and already knew there was problems,,,then came back later and was VERY upset and wanted to talk and wanted his dad to stay...

as I woke up I was trying to comfort s14 and was trying to ask H to rethink D and to stay.

NOW my dreams,,,wow I rarely dream this is really draining me and I've been so very tired lately, when I wake in morning I'm tired as soon as I get home from work I'm tired, this mental stress I need to let it GO, stop thinking about it for a while (if I can) I was doing so good, not sure why this is consuming my thoughts again....and now when H seems to be taking tiny teeny baby steps poking his head a lil out of the tunnel,,why now are my emotions trying to take back over?

[woundedfool]

TODAY is also "family day" I never know if it will be Tuesday or Monday. Not in the mood today, so H has me meet S14 and him out to eat directly after I got off. We had a gift card for the place and the balance I ask him to pay,,,he says "you are always in my pocket,,love spending my money" WTF I LOL and said Yes I love it. We are not rich, and H gives me 1/2 bills and 1/2 of things for our son...no idea where else I get to spend allllll his money. This is a delusion he has had for years.

I don't recall your background (career, job, etc). But is he the breadwinner? I remember you mentioning he works pretty hard (long days, weekends, etc). If so, have you acknowledged appreciation for what he provides? Is this a point of contention between you two?

AND he made a big deal out of letting me know that he and s14 will be watching 1st monday night game at home 2night.

What type of response did you give? Because you sound a little put off by this.

And then he promised s14 brownies,,,which now they both expect me to make...I told H get box mix and ice cream from store, they can spend time making that together!!!

I think you played this reasonably well.