Interesting, daring.... We are a lovely bunch . My "P" is lower, too....
H is INFJ. >sigh<.
Sooooo..... In MLC..... Would he be opposite??
You know what? I don't even care. H is a lost fool. I don't even know if he really is worth it, or if I don't want to let him go because I don't like having to work on me. I'm not going to hang onto the anger. I rarely feel it. My mom thinks I should feel MORE angry.
I'm catching myself.....My emotions are not wanting to feel this pain and do this work, and my brain is trying to think of a way to avoid it.... Today, I actually found myself thinking about running away. Or just chuck the whole thing and get a D, quickly get into another doomed R so I can relive this all over. That doesn't seem as appealing.... I sure feel myself wanting to escape, though. Or just punch H.
Ok, in my head those were all terrific options. Somehow in words, not so much.
After this wave of 'salty' washes over me, I'll have renewed energy. Right now, it's T-8 days until I'm no longer a homeowner. And that pi$$e$ me off. More destruction being left in the wake of MLC.
Ok, so tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to go from my "scattered showers" of today, to at least, "fair to partly cloudy."
Funny how this thread title was originally about the selfish MLC H, and everything being about "him".... And now it seems to have become about me.
Yea, I kinda started that ^^^ because that's where the focus should be.
And yea, I am not surprised by the test result.
I am sorry you are feeling down, S. This really is a rollercoaster. You can be so hard on yourself, my friend. Sometimes you just have to sit with your feelings and not do anything.
You know, the goals can be really simple ones as well as big ones. Like finding one thing in each day where you feel grateful.
I get the feeling angry. Of course you do. This isnt what was supposed to happen and it suckks. Big time.
Be careful, though, to only own your stuff. Be sure they are valid. You could not know he would go into crisis. You couldnt have known he would lie. You should be able to trust your h.
You do pursue him, but, unlearning that is very difficult. It isnt going to happen overnight, Shining. It takes time to change longstanding habits.
I know that you are probably a little scared that he is pulling back. Frightened that he will pull so far back he cant find his way back to you.
But this is what is supposed to happen. You should be figuring out your stuff and so should he. He cant do that looking over his shoulder at you. YOu cant do what you need to do wondering about him.
So, its ok to feel angry, just dont stay there. Its ok to feel scared and confused. It is ok.
As you let go more, you will feel less confused. You will be able to figure out where you want to go, what you want to do.
For right now, just try to be ok with where you are at this moment. I know thats hard for you. But it is necessary.
Small, manageable goals are best right now. Keep busy. Rest. Be kind to yourself.
Let time and space do its thing on him.
I don't initiate contact, but I'm recognizing how I still manage to pursue H. H has been more distant, quiet....short texts. He keeps reaching out, but fewer and farther between. I have been baby stepping and extending more time between my responses, to try and change my habit of being so "available". It's very challenging for me. I'm still detoxing.
For any psyche-types out there, I was told years ago, and then again today, that for the Myers Briggs personality test... I'm an ENFP. Fantastic.
Who's surprised....??? I know one person who is probably not....
Yea, I kinda started that ^^^ because that's where the focus should be.
And yea, I am not surprised by the test result.
Haha....aaaawww, uR... Yep. I'm like that duckling at the back of the line that keeps trying to go it's own way...until mama duck gently nudges it back onto the path.
My anger and being hard on myself are present, but much less today. I think it's just enough to give me the boost of energy I need to move forward.
Yes, I'm scared he's pulling back. I am also glad. I'm starting to want to be away from H. I think I'm struggling to define my future because I'm still having a hard time envisioning it without him. H needs to get out of my head, you're absolutely right. It's holding me back.
Good morning, Universe! I promised myself to wash away the anger of yesterday, and today I'm squeaky clean. I'll get dirty again, but that's ok. It still washes off.
Plus, I read something awesome this morning that didn't have a name to credit. So I'm stealing this:
"Lighthouses don't go running all over and island, looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining."
Wow- what an awesome quote- that actually gave me chills.
No saving our crazy H's even though it takes all our might to fight trying- we got this- I'm standing there shining with you Shining!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Shining, I dont know what the deal is with me leaving your stuff on my posts to you. I am getting old. LOL!
Love the lighthouse quote.
When this first happened for me, I couldnt believe it. I thought, what the heck happened? When did my life become this? At first I blamed myself. I could have been better, done better. Then I realized I could have been perfect and this would have happened.
Even when I first realized that, I still tried to fix it. I mean, that's what I do. It was my role my whole life. I was good at it. I knew how to do it. It was my comfort zone.
And yea, that backfired. So, I began to really think about it all. I knew, without a doubt, that him becoming someone completely opposite of who he was had to have been because of a breakdown or crisis. There was no other logical explanation for the transformation.
So, I read and I talked to people and I researched. I found it all said the same thing in different ways. This was his crisis, borne out of years of not addressing stuff from his early life. He hadnt learned how to cope. When things got bumpy in life, he had no clue what to do.
Through my anger and sadness, I saw his pain. Unbearable pain. I had to take myself out of it. I had to figure out that it wasnt about me. I dont have that kind of power.
Imagine for a moment, feeling as if your life is out of control. You are deeply unhappy. You dont know why. You just know that you want the hurting to stop.
You try everything you can, and it is still there. You become someone else. It is still there. You lash out at your spouse, alienate your children, act out, regress and still the deep sadness continues.
They feel as if they are swimming in a lake of mud with 100 pounds on their backs. Trying to get out, flailing about, unable to reach the shore.
I know their actions are devastating. I do. I know there are times when we are so angry with them, so disappointed, so deeply hurt.
But I tried to remember his pain, too. It allowed me to give him what he needed....space, time, no pressure.
They need to walk their journey on their own. It is the only way they can get to the other side.
But as we allow them to do this, we, too go on a journey. We go through the stages of grief. Hopefully, we grow, we change.
There are no shortcuts here. Nothing to make it go faster.
But we can make it easier - by forgiving ourselves for whatever we did or didnt do in the marriage because there was no intent to cause harm. We can forgive ourselves for not realizing what was happening or for not seeing this coming.
You have to work through each part, S. But ultimately, acceptance and forgiveness is what sets you free.
We just do the best we can. Sometimes life just throws us curves. We can strike out or swing. Our choice. Always.
So, be the lighthouse, S. Be your best you. Then either way, you are ok.
We are so similar in many ways, uR. After I moved out, and we went to our one counseling session (before I knew of ow, and when I "thought" we were doing this to get closer, haha), I made a list of EVERYTHING I DID WRONG. It was 7 pages on a legal pad. I scoured old emails from h and listed every complaint he had over the past 2 years. I wrote a 3 page apology to his son for my side of our differences. I stopped drinking (never was alcoholic, actually, but didn't want the question) I lost weight, since h said I was too fat. I fixed everything on the list. (Ok, I'm still working on the pores) Then I tried to fix h. Yep, backfired.
Then I read everything about MLC, separation, relationships, communication, stepchildren, boundaries, and some others I can't think of. Way over-did it out of desperation.
It did help me get past the initial phase where I couldn't breathe, had anxiety attacks, and felt I was actually dying the most painful death imaginable.
I tried to look up your story, uR, is it still on the board? If not, please share as much as you're comfortable sharing. I'm very curious. I realize there are differences in us, but I do want to know more about your experience with this.
I have had several name changes on here and a lot of my early stuff is gone, unfortunately.
I was married for 25 years. I have one son who is now 23. My BD was seven years ago. I vowed back then, because of the incredible gift of this forum and the amazing people on it, to pay it forward.
While we had our issues, as everyone does, there was no indication of what was going to happen in my marriage.
He stood on the steps one day and told me he didnt want to be married anymore. I panicked. Did all the stuff we arent supposed to do. Reacted as you did, pretty much.
Til I found this place. But I came kicking and screaming into DB. COuldnt get my mind around it at first. When I finally did, it changed my life.
I found out he had an ow. She was his first GF from 30 years earlier.
He stayed in my bed for 9 months, in our home for a year and a half. It was difficult living with him. He wasnt a nasty MLCer, but, he was a particularly crazy one. He is actually kind of a legend around here. LOL!
He had amassed a huge amount of debt. I had no choice but to file. I put it off until I couldnt any longer. That decision, along with some of the stuff he did like invading our retirement funds, has devastated me financially.
He did some terrible things during all this. Truthfully, the least of which was the affair. That was a wish to go back in time to his first real love and to relive his youth.
Dont get me wrong, that is a terrible thing, to cheat on your spouse. It broke my heart and hurt me to my core. I am not in anyway minimizing its effect.
But, it was a different kind of hurt than the calculating things that he did to ruin me financially and how much he hurt our son.
He had to do things in specific ways that required he really think about them before actually putting it into action.
I db'd my marriage. He wanted to come back. But he is still in the tunnel. I call him a tunnel hugger. It was too hard for him to look within and do the work.
When I see him he is still a shell of a man. When he smiles, it doesnt reach his eyes. There is no laughter, no lightness about him. He still looks lost. As far as I know, after the initial ow, there has been no one else.
I think about how much he lost in the search for happiness and I feel so sorry for him that he was never able to look inside to find it.
I forgave him a long time ago. He knows it. He doesnt understand why I have.
I still wish with all my heart that he finds his way. No longer does that wish include me, but, I do hope he finds a way to some happiness.
Everyone deserves that. Everyone.
I believe completely in this process, Shining. I believe it is the best chance one has to save their marriage. I also believe it has saved me.
Feel free to ask me anything you want to know. I am happy to share what I have been through, my journey and what I have learned.
. My "P" is lower, too.... 
