I actually used those words already at one point . I'm really trying to disconnect from jealous thoughts and following her around the house to see who she's talking to, but I keep visualizing her affair in my head and having semi-panic attacks.
I had similar thoughts about my W and OM too. In my sitch she says they are just friends and she has feelings for him, but those thoughts of physical intimacy just keep coming across my mind. I too still find myself glancing at the phone if its in range to see if its OM texting or checking when she'll be away from the phone for a few minutes.
I'd recommend to let your anger fuel your detachment. I'm not saying be rude or outright mean to her, but seeing yourself not needing her. Its not easy, but it helps in my opinion. Also, keep DBing and reading all this material on the Internet that can be reassuring of your efforts during this stressful time.
In my sitch, when I checked the phone logs online I'd see she'd text OM more than everybody else collectively in a day. And texting is primarily how she communicates. Nonetheless, after seeing this day after day, I sorta gave up trying to analyze or determine what their A was really like or if she had stopped contacting him. I still find myself checking the logs online every few days or so, but by not checking it for periods of time have helped me to calm down some and worry slightly less since I won't know anyway.
On page 2 of this thread kml said,
"I suggest you also see an attorney to find out how to protect yourself financially. If there is significant money in the joint accounts you may want to move half to an account in just your name so she can't wipe out the accounts"
I'd just like to add on some input. I was active duty Army for 8 years and you are probably aware the Army or any military branch for that matter has free services for its military personnel. I don't know what military branch you are in or your status, but I highly recommend talking to your squad leader, platoon sergeant, platoon leader, chaplain, JAG, or anybody with rank who has had a divorce in the military so you can know what actions of yours will fly and won't since ya'll are married.
Me:30 W:34 M:8 T:9 D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1 D bomb: 8/2014 S 12/2014 PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Well I know the OM and her have stopped texting but I also know that they frequented a messaging app so I couldn't see that they were texting. That's where the "probable PA" messages came from. Right now I think the OM knows that I'm aware of their activities but I don't believe either of them plan on stopping their online shenanigans.
As for their in person meetings those have stopped since I'm home on R&R but they do have events for work scheduled that they will both be at. I strongly believe that they are just waiting me out until I have to go back to work next week to continue their affair but I have a plan to stop that as well.
Arcola, just got done reading your thread, I think you and I are very similar personality types; easy-going most of the time, I would ask if people have ever described you as passive or a pushover, because I have been described that way in the past. Part of the changes I've been trying to make during this deployment was to get better at standing up for myself and being more self-confident. My W has told me before to stop letting people walk all over me, and what I'm starting to realize is right now with her A, she's the biggest offender. I told her that after discovering the probable PA messages.
But similarly to your thread, I feel like I'm still putting on too much of the sad puppy dog pursuit mode by being available all the time, allowing her to snuggle up to me when we go to bed, and just letting things go even after having the, "I'm willing to work on our marriage, but not with a third person involved," conversation. She still is adamant that I'm making too much of the affair, and that they are not sleeping together. Don't believe anything she says right? When I asked her if she even wanted this marriage to work, she said she didn't know, that she was trying to figure out, "a million things going on in her head," but at least will admit that her A with the OM was a mistake (or she's just saying that because she got caught...twice).
And Starsky, when you said you were co-dependent on Arcola's thread, I've been thinking the same thing about me. All of, "our," friends are really her friends first. If I wanted to GAL and go out with people, I literally don't have anyone I know well enough around here to turn to. I've been relying on her for years to manage our social life. I might turn into that guy at the bar trying to talk to the bartender by myself, who knows?
I'm not sure if anything I said here was new or insightful, just needed an early morning release...
There are three books that I would recommend for BOTH of you, after you've read (and re-read!) either Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy (the latter is more current).
The first is "Co-Dependent No More," the second is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and the third is "Hold On to Your N.U.T.S." These are good resources for "pleaser/rescuer" types, and at gaining a better understanding of basic male/female attraction dynamics.
A great fourth one is "Boundaries," by Townsend & Townsend.
Without learning these skills, you're going to find yourselves repeating the same things even in future relationships if this one with your wife doesn't work out.
But start with DR, and with sandi's 37 rules. You might also try to get a DB coach, if you have the funds.
I'm having some confusion now. Just blazed through about 70 pages of DR, and it said that the number one reason that marriages break down is that couples don't spend enough time together and/or take each other for granted. Guilty as charged, as I've outlined in previous posts given my job's hours and deployment/exercise/training schedule over the last 2 years. The last two days have been more pleasant, a cautionary sign I'm aware, but we've spent time doing things together, like going to the gym, running errands, and she's even indulged one of my GAL activities of trying to start up playing guitar again when we went shopping around for one.
One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that the OM is part of a larger group of friends that she had been associated with until her A was discovered. She's disappointed that because I refuse to see the OM in a social setting ever again (for his safety and mine), that she loses all these other friends in the process. Last night we went to a movie with one of them, a male, who I am pretty sure is not another OM. Still, their interactions tell me that I'm not her best friend anymore, I'm a complete outsider to all the group's inside jokes and sense of humor. Plus, they all are attached to their phones, something she wasn't before I deployed 6 months ago. I'm not sure if this person knows that his friend the OM and my W had/are having an A. Any thoughts on this type of contact?
In summary, on the positive side, spending time with the W and friends at least affords me the comfort of knowing she's not with the OM (although I'm always suspicious that she's messaging him during whatever we're doing), I feel like I'm doing something against DB or GAL by being around her so much. I've made the resolution to quit snooping, as that just blows things up in my face, and I have just about all the information I need to know what's going on anyways. The details might make me throw up anyways. On the negative, I share the feeling of many other guys here that by backing off and concentrating on GAL that it's just allowing the W to have her cake and eat it too. She is about to go out of town for almost a week, and hasn't seen the OM in 3 days, so I can only assume they have plans to meet up while she's staying with her friend (female).
Its good your making efforts to follow some of the topics that'll help you to DB you sitch. A taping from another organization that specializes in helping people in these sitchs, said make small changes and monitor the results, if things look like they're going astray change something else. But whatever you change stick with it.
Me:30 W:34 M:8 T:9 D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1 D bomb: 8/2014 S 12/2014 PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Last night she texted me from work and was sad that she was missing a birthday party at the OM's house (one of the OM's friend's birthdays) and that this was the price she had to pay for an affair. I said I wasn't going to control who she talked to or where she went, that all I asked was that I never see the OM again, and that she remains faithful to our marriage. She didn't respond to that text, her next one was over an hour later when she told me she was on her way home. So she didn't go to the party and came home instead, not sure if that's a good sign or if she's just holding out for her trip away from home. I made sure to not be home when she got there though, made a trip to the coffee shop and got in some more DR reading while I was there.
Caught her furiously exiting out of the messaging app she and the OM have been using this morning, so the affair continues. I think she's still caught up in the addiction part of it, the thrill of the new experience, the forbidden fruit if you will. Even though what she's told me she wanted was for me to be there for her in a way I wasn't before I deployed I think she still goes to him first and me second. Especially in the intimacy department, of which there has been none (not even playful innuendo) since I've gotten home. She saved that for the OM the last time we went over there and she got drunk ("I wanna f*** you" she messaged him while I was sitting right next to both of them). Still hurts to think about, but the panic attacks are notably less frequent and severe since refusing to snoop.
Another morning brain dump, thanks for listening...
. I'm really trying to disconnect from jealous thoughts and following her around the house to see who she's talking to, but I keep visualizing her affair in my head and having semi-panic attacks.