Ugg... Just Facetime'd with the kiddos. W did not turn the camera onto herself as she used to. Did not say a word to me. I had planned on gauging her mood to see about asking if she would like to do lunch this week. I guess that is an indicator. Grrr... Oh well. Such is the roller coaster.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Hi pilot, I think it is good that you are considering a different path than the one you have been following. Try something new and see what happens! Worse case? You are in a crappy place. Well, you are in a pretty crappy place with your W lately so can it really get a whole lot worse? You were thinking of pressing forward with D just last week right?
Try WOA, try asking her out and give it a little time to sink in. Most of all show her your PMA and show her your positive changes! Be someone she would want to date! I mean, that is really the only point isn't it? You can be all distant and detached but if she looks at you and thinks yuck then she will be glad you are distant and detached.
Thanks Lisa. I was considering a 180 by actually CALLING her to ask her about lunch this week. I have not called her just to call her since...oh I dont know, April? May?
Otherwise I would initiate the request by text.
I think what I am dealing with is having to rebuild even a slight interest that she may have had earlier. My actions of late have been moving in the opposite direction, so I have quite a bit of ground to cover. Not sure how to seem over pursuing. But I will definitely consider ways of starting...
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Hi pilot, since you are always giving me and others wonderful advice from the manly point of view, maybe we can help you with a little womanly POV.
Let's see. Obviously I have no clue what your W is thinking. But this point I think you should try being nice. So what does being nice mean without being too pursuing?
Call her. Sound relaxed, happy, upbeat. Say something like "hi! I was wondering if you'd like to go to lunch Monday?" or "Hi! We haven't talked in a while. Let's have lunch Monday!"
Let's say she says she is busy Monday. Don't get discouraged. Say happily "is there another day that might work?" and if she doesn't suggest another day still keep that PMA. If she says she will get back to you later, keep that PMA.
If she doesn't pick a date and doesn't get back to you, contact her again friendly with PMA and ask if there is a date that works for her. Slap a smile on your face before you call. Smiling improves your mood and makes you sound happy even when you are not.
Even if she is totally done with you she will likely still be ok with meeting for lunch if you sound relaxed, happy and friendly.
One thing I have gleaned from my experiences and your awesome advice to me is that in addition to being detached and GALing and all that you also need to appear happy and relaxed when dealing with the WAS. The fact that you seem happy and relaxed is one of the biggest things that makes them confused. At least that is how it seems to me. First of all they are attracted to the happy relaxed person. Second, it seems to confuse them - why is the LBS happy? Third, it seems to make them realize that they themselves are perhaps not so happy.
Who can resist a happy, fun, confident, relaxed person?
In a past relationship years ago I was done with my boyfriend. He wanted to get back together. He would ask me to dinner. Oftentimes I would go if he seemed happy, friendly and relaxed. At dinner he would be friendly and funny at first and I would start to remember why I was with him in the first place. Then he would start being sad and pursuing and telling me why we should get back together. I would shut down, forget any positive feelings and want to get away from him as quickly as possible. If he was able to just be fun and happy, who knows what would have happened?
That's my 50 cents of advice. Call and ask her to lunch and don't worry what she says. Don't push too hard but don't be afraid to push a little. As long as you plan it to be a friendly lunch I think it won't come across as pursuing too much.
Just got some great news. I found out today I can coach BOTH my sons' soccer teams this year. I knew they needed coaches (and soccer WAS my sport growing up) so I emailed them saying I would love to coach, but I did not want to miss out on the other son's games while coaching the other. They replied and said the times would not conflict so I could even coach both if I wanted. I jumped at that.
I was so excited I actually called my W. She was happy. We talked happy stuff for about 5-10 minutes, then I said I had to go.
Yay...this was always one of my dreams...coaching my own kids. I could not coach my oldest son when he first played soccer because of my injury from the pit bull attack. That made me really bitter.
Now I am happy!!!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Pilot maybe next time aft er face timing kids ask if you could talk to mom. Ask if you could buy her lunch or dinner to catch up on kids go over schedules etc. (give her the choice) and when she accepts give her a wink before you hang up. Take her somewhere with a great atmosphere (WATER, OUT DOORS ) Then have a great time if possible. At end of date just tell her it was great seeing her and leave it at that. Make it a plan to do the lunch or dinner to catch up and go over schedules for a while and see what kind of feeling you are getting from her. You will know when the rt moment is to take a chance.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Pilot, along Lisa's train of thought, when I reached the 9 mo mark and felt that my timeline was 1 yr, IC actually recommended I use those last 3 mos to reach out to W on a more consistent basis asking her to dinner, movies, etc. I could then use her responses to help judge her interest in R.
'Other things' took place and changed my strategy, but the couple times we did go out, I really do think it helped W see the new me...
Pilot, that is great news on soccer. Great that you called w about it to. I coached my twin boys tball team the last 2 yrs. As head coach I had alot of scheduling practice, snacks etc. Last yr my w was a huge help. After the A and D talk started she thought maybe I shouldn't coach this summer. I told her boys would be disappointed and I wasn't going to do that because of our problems. Anyway it was a great summer as far as tball. My w did help alot and was glad we did it. Don't kid your self your w will be watching you and what a great dad and how committed you are to them and other kids. I only see this as a positive. Good for you Pilot. Your boys will always remember this. Just think back to when you were young, always remembered the coaches
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Lisa, thanks for your womanly perspective. Please feel free to offer it any time! Your story about how you would even take back an ex (to dinner at least) and have memories of why you were with him is interesting. As long as I do not talk R and screw it up
Tarheel, thanks for chiming in. Good to hear from you my friend!
igit, again, thanks for keeping up with me. That is awesome you take the time to coach your kids as well. I am sure my W will see it as a positive, but I could care less how she sees it. This to me, is what being a dad is all about. This is what I would give up a lot to do. I really am happy I get to do this.
I did send my W the following text after we spoke on the phone. I was trying to 180 and initiate texting.
Me.I am so friggin happy
W: Good! Hopefully it will be fun!
Me: Want to meet at Dick's Sporting Goods on Thursday afternoon when you get S5 and S3. We can get their soccer stuff and maybe have an early dinner before i have to be at the coaches meeting at 6
W: Ok.
So...there...
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I am so happy for you being able to coach BOTH boys this year! That's great! And, the text exchange above sounds positive too! Look at you!!!
I also wanted to chime in from a woman's perspective... well, more a wife's perspective and say that seeing your H getting involved with children, having fun, making them laugh, helping them realize their potential, encouraging them...
Frankly, there's nothing sexier. NOTHING.
Take that and run, my friend. I know you're doing it for all the right reasons, for your boys so that's really great but remember, she's noticing (as are all the other moms, trust me).
Enjoy it, make it fun and look good because you're on.
