Dealing with WAW part 5

[pilot]

As I have been re reading my threads from start to finish, I have had many many regrets at things i have done along my journey. I have also been able to see advice given to me differently than I did at the present...for whatever reason. One of the things that has stuck out to me is an exchange between myself and 25 over compliments and WOA to my WAW.

Me: We have not really spoken/text much since the day she left. I have not initiated anything other than asking to facetime with the kids. I do agree given the past times we have been together, she will probably be just as friendly as before. I will listen to advice from you, labug, 25, and others and take a little more risk by offering compliments, etc.

25: This ^^statement makes me sad. What would you be "RISKING" By complimenting your wife? (The risk to not complimenting her is a lot higher)

You have a wife whose love language is WOA. You have a problem expressing positive feelings verbally (though you sure want HER to verbalize things that make her very uncomfortable or even embarrassed/ashamed. Irony much?)

So, to you it "risks" something, to compliment your wife.

Man That is a bad combination Pilot. It means (to me) that you think compliments "Costs" you power in the r, (can't think of what else you might believe you risk but NO I don't think you are risking power, I think YOU think that)...

so I wonder if you think she'll assume that the compliments mean SHE is a great catch and you are THUS at her mercy, or something odd like that??

In reality, getting compliments is just how she feels loved. And denying her this does NOT "protect" you; not at all; it is the opposite. Denying her compliments, which costs you nothing, is denying her something SHE NEEDS.

Keeping them to yourself, makes her love tank empty. That's not good.

All I can say is I am sorry to my W and to 25. To my W because I now see how in retrospect I could have offered my W WOA and compliments without coming across as needy or overly pursuing. And sorry to 25 for resisting her advice because I somehow thought I knew better, and offered up excuse after excuse. Maybe had I kept the WOA flowing and compliments flowing, I would be in a different place right now.

Ugg...more to come I am sure as I continue reading my miserable little journal.

[zew]

I have also been able to see advice given to me differently than I did at the present

Don't beat yourself up. We are all smarter now than we were at the beginning.

[igit]

Good for you Pilot, I was hesitant at first, but feel money well spent no matter what happens.

[sandi2]

Here is a question for the old timers (vets). Is there an 'expiration date' on NC/dark/dim? Let me clarify. After a BD or whenever a LBS begins to LRT, NC (or a variation) would seem to have the most effect as the WAS is confused as to what is going on. However, after a period of months of, lets call it, limited contact, does the whole concept go from being effective to 'routine' for the WAS? Do they begin to just build their life around the idea of the limited/NC and accept it as the new normal?

IMO, there could be a point that the LBS stops using this method. Either the couple moves on to other people and make a life apart from each other, or they make some shift to reconcile. I'm not sure exactly how you mean "go from being effective to routine for the WAS". She has to accept whatever limited contact you participate in, yes? She may not like it, but she has to accept it.

I want to remind you, this should be for you, and not to get a reaction from her. It is "effective" when it helps you to stay better detached. It is effective when she begins to miss more of "you".

If the two of you move on in different directions, what would be the point of more contact? The children would be the only reason for ever contacting her. OTOH, if she becomes interested in reconciling, she will let it be known. Obviously, you would not continue LRT under those circumstances.

[pilot]

Ok, just had my first DB coaching session. Much of the time was spent with me talking about the history. But my coach did say I need to work on more WOA and keep up the PMA and GAL mentalities when around my W. She also said to drop the LF, especially around W. Hah, I kinda knew that.

I will ask W if she wants to have lunch sometime this week. Maybe she will say yes, maybe she will say no. She has been pretty distant with me lately. Probably my fault, but who knows. The coach said to go back to what was working over the summer, and I am right in the middle of reading all of my journal at that point in time, so find out what was working, and what wasnt. LF obviously was not working. If W says yes, she says yes, if no, well, then no. Life goes on...

[pilot]

It seems, without mind reading here, that what I have done is created a situation where it is possible my W thinks there is not a smooth road home (if any). This is compounded by scenarios where LF was involved, my rebuking our almost physical evening, purposefully coming across as overly detached, among other things.

The DB coach seems to 'think' that there is some deep connection W still feels with me which has kept her from pushing the D through as well as allowing the good connections we have had on and off. But I need to work on making sure the path home does look easy. And to not try and make having discussion of the A a requirement to working on the marriage. She seemed to think that comes after you agree to work on the marriage. Seems to make sense. She wants me to take more risks and not be so afraid of the idea I may get hurt again in the future.

[Tarheel]

But I need to work on making sure the path home does look easy. And to not try and make having discussion of the A a requirement to working on the marriage. She seemed to think that comes after you agree to work on the marriage.

Pilot, ^^^that's a good point. I think it applies in my sitch as well as others I see on here.

[shodan]

Pilot, this is interesting feedback. Remind me again, is your W in an A right now? Have you discussed your boundaries?

[pilot]

shodan,

I do not know the status of W and OM. From what I gathered, he has already moved back to his home country. I would suspect they still keep in touch via email/fb. There might be some other guy she has a crush on, but who knows. Everything I know of after May is purely hearsay.

[shodan]

i ask b/c there are some people on these forums who advocate for a harder line than what your DB coach is advising. Not sure which is right.