I'm not up to date on your sitch, but if you say she's not willing to commit to working on the M right now, I highly doubt you going to Chicago with her was going to 'save your marriage' as she claims. Sounds like now she's just trying to justify her decision(s).
Your wife doesn't sound like she's "there" yet, to be honest. The lack of transparency, the playing "gotcha" with the last-minute trip-to-Chicago test . . . this doesn't sound like a woman who's sincere about working at her marriage.
I think you handled it well -- differentiating and saying "this IS something I would have done, IF we were working on the marriage."
Thanks Starsky and Tarheel. Today has been tough. My w says that it has been a while since she felt in love with me. Longer than a year. She wishes things were different and that she does not want to hurt me. According to her, her IC said "Your husband took your feelings from you, little by little, with years of neglect." She blames me for her affair and for the fact that she got hurt when it ended. She says that she does not miss us like I do. She thinks the only chance we have is to separate. We tried to go on a few dates over the past week and things were awkward much of the time. No touching and lots of dead air silence.
I am trying to follow the rules. "Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does." I know waw's will re-write marriage history but she is making it seem totally genuine. I knew that we were in a rut towards the end but I had no clue she was this unhappy. My sitch feels totally hopeless right now and I needed to vent. I still love her but she is long gone. At least for now.
Me: 45 W: 44 M: 20 T: 31 S 20, D 13
W affair ended 5-13-14 W confessed 5-27-14 W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure Living in same house, separate beds
As long as she is going solely by her FEELINGS, you're going to have a tough row to hoe, OG. Because she has it precisely BACKWARDS: it will take her DECISION (commitment) to work on the marriage with you, and BOTH of you to make positive changes and do the hard work, for her FEELINGS for you to return.
And that could take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, on average.
Wayward women often compare how their OM makes them "feel" to how their husband makes them feel, and then make a major life decision based on that. Romantic feelings are important to happiness in a marriage, but they ebb and flow over the years, and such feelings should not be the FOUNDATION of a healthy marriage. (Things like respect, shared values & interests, shared family history, etc. should be).
A good IC should tell her that; it sounds like she has a crappy one who is helping her justify her waywardness and running from her family.
Things are not going well recently. My waw has been really moody. On Friday she went to the beach with a friend during the day and got drunk. She texted me and asked me if I wanted to bring our D13 and meet up with this other couple for dinner. I agreed. But when we got there it had turned into a much bigger deal. 5 families meeting up and all of them know about our situation because my W has been telling people over the past couple of months. This was going to be the first time we were all together as a group since the news about her A got out and I was a little uncomfortable. I did my best to act as if during the night. My w and I sat across from each other but barely spoke. We didn't say a word to each other on the drive home either. I spent the day Saturday with my S20 at his school, it was Dad's day for his Frat and we had a great time. No communication with my w at all on Sat. Then yesterday, almost no communication either. So, this am, before work, I caved in and started a talk with her about why she was treating me so cold lately. Her response, "Our marriage is over, we are both miserable living like this and denying reality. We have tried dating each other and it is not working for either of us. We just need to accept what is and either separate or divorce." She says that she has changed and will never be the person that I knew. She reiterated that she was totally unhappy in our marriage, she should have ended it years ago and that she cannot go back. I agreed with her on all counts and said that our old marriage is dead. I also said that we have an opportunity to start a new relationship if we are both willing to contribute to it.
She is talking about separation. My stand is that I am not leaving the home. I told her that if she wants to separate then she will be the one leaving. The issue I have is that I travel for my job quite often, so our D13 would have to basically leave with her. She is using this to make me feel guilty as well. But she is the one who betrayed our M. She was not thinking about our D13 when she decided to have an A and invited her AP into our home to have sex. She is the one who wants to live under a different roof. Why should I leave?
My lawyer has also advised me not to leave the home. She said that it would only make things easier on my waw and that is the last thing I want to do.
The stress is really starting to get to me. It is affecting my ability to focus at work and my energy level has been lower lately. Maybe the reality is sinking in that I am going to lose my M and be a single man at the age of 44. This is not what I want. I want to get my marriage back. I believe that my best chance of that is with us both under the same roof. I need to detach, GAL and show her the best possible man, husband and father I can be. I need to stay away from talking about our relationship and just focus on my career, my kids and myself.
Me: 45 W: 44 M: 20 T: 31 S 20, D 13
W affair ended 5-13-14 W confessed 5-27-14 W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure Living in same house, separate beds
She is talking about separation. My stand is that I am not leaving the home. I told her that if she wants to separate then she will be the one leaving. The issue I have is that I travel for my job quite often, so our D13 would have to basically leave with her. She is using this to make me feel guilty as well. But she is the one who betrayed our M. She was not thinking about our D13 when she decided to have an A and invited her AP into our home to have sex. She is the one who wants to live under a different roof. Why should I leave?
My lawyer has also advised me not to leave the home.
Your position is not only correct, but reasonable. Stick to it.
Onguard I would agree with the lawyer . Do not leave your home and try to get custody of your D13 . What your wife has done is despicable . Bringing in a man to your home to have sex ? If she wants to separate let her go . D13 is the issue for you here for sure , but she is still her mother . However what does D13 know about your sitch ??
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Thanks guys. My D13 only knows that we are having serious problems and we may need to live apart for a while. Even though I want to save my M, a big part of me is ashamed that I feel this way. My waw has not only been unfaithful but she has done it in our own home on 2 occassions. She has shown almost zero remorse and currently has no desire to R. Yet I am still hoping to save my M.
My ego has really taken a beating. If there is any hope for our M then I need to set my pride on the shelf and focus on what needs to be done now. I need to reconnect with her emotionally. I need to follow the 180. No pressure, no talks of R, show her the best I can be. Train had some very good advice to Shodan the other day about that. It is about keeping my eye on the prize and not showing my anger or insecurities.
Me: 45 W: 44 M: 20 T: 31 S 20, D 13
W affair ended 5-13-14 W confessed 5-27-14 W wants to R 4-1-15; I'm not sure Living in same house, separate beds
