Well, gosh labug, it would be so much easier for me to stay at home and write! LOL I'm also an introvert but have a job that requires me to be quite social sometimes, so I'm big on being at home. But I also like the idea of a workshop, so I may check into that just to get started. I'm afraid if left to my own devices I'll feel obligated to clean something instead of write. ;-)
You know I find it fascinating how many of us ladies on the forum are self identified introverts. Maybe there is some sort of correlation between being introverted and seeking this type of assistance in this situation.
Rppfl- Pursue the writing! Go to those workshops! There are so many opportunities out there that didn't used to exist. You can write a blog or or look into self publishing. And for the record, I would much rather read an insightful work on say, how one woman delat with upheaval and separation than any book about CIA black sites - but that's just me :-)
I'm back from MC, it's the first time we've been in several months and by far the most productive session ever. Too bad the focus was on separation and not reconciling. But still, I'm at peace with the what I said and how I conducted myself, I was calm and honest, I only cried a teeny bit ;-) and I had clearly thought through things. H on the other hand, had clearly not spent much time thinking about anything other than how many bedrooms he was going to rent.
When we discussed how to tell the kids and I asked how to handle it when they asked if "dad had a girlfriend" - that's the way D11 will phrase it, D16 will be a lot more blunt -- that seemed to take H by total surprise. Duh.... they aren't 4 years old, they are going to ask. I made it clear that although I wasn't going to throw him under the bus, he needed to take responsibility for his own actions without blaming me. I told him I'd happily deflect questions about that area to him "you need to speak with dad about that" but that he had to tell me what he was going to say. I said I'd back up however he wanted to handle it as long as he was being honest. He just seemed totally at a loss as to what to say, so we didn't really resolve that part.
We went to lunch afterwards, and he talked a little more about apartment shopping, his favorite subject these days, and how at the place he wanted the pool was closed for repairs. Big whoop, we have a pool in our backyard, it's not like the condo pool is going to be special to the kids.
Overall, I was happy with the afternoon, I expressed some things I've been holding in, and he commented that he noticed some changes in me. I'm just not sure that without changes in him, too, I actually care.
Good for you for insisting that he be honest with the kids. It sounds like you handled that well, and that he hadn't even considered it.
When my H wanted to tell our D that he was leaving, he wanted to tell her we were amicably separating. I insisted on the same things as you -- that he can come up with something to tell her, but it had to be the truth (he was leaving), and that I would back him up.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things, and your H will have to face the music with the kids eventually. Sadly, a lot of the MLCers mentally diminish the effect on the kids to spare themselves the guilt. I hope he is starting to realize the mess he's making.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I don't know that your H is in MLC, he's doing what most people do, trying to hide from uncomfortable emotions, his and others.
It must have felt good walking out of the mtg knowing you did the best you could under the circumstances. About crying, it's OK, you're losing something that was important to you. Crying isn't weakness.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I"m sorry, rppfl. I know that must be difficult. But keep in mind that you will have more breathing room and peace with the additional space that you have without him present in your home. You will certainly have ups and downs as well, but you won't have to hide it. Look for those silver linings!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
On the plus side, RRP, is that you can finally sleep without H hogging the covers! Gotta find some sliver lining here...however small it may be.
I readily confess that I'm the covers hog. But he snores!
Still don't know the timing on all this. I'm sure he's anxious to get out but the MC suggested some things yesterday that will drag it out a little. Not to purposely drag it out but to be intentional and ready for the kids questions. And we need to get S18 home from college for the conversation so that takes a little coordination.
If this were just about me and H I think I'd be ok with it. I don't know how I'm going to stand hurting the kids though. I am trying to view this as a teaching opportunity on how to treat people that hurt you, how to handle life's ups and downs with grace and dignity, how to fight for what you believe in, how to be a strong independent woman who knows how to handle herself. And maybe a woman who can be sad about life's twists and turns but doesn't let them defeat her.
