Blindsided but finding my way (3)

[SunnyB]

How much time is he going to be with his children once he moves out?

Our kids are S18 (away at college), D16, and D11. We are really talking about the 11 year old here. H originally proposed that we share 50/50 with her spending a week with dad, a week with mom. I said I wouldn't go an entire week without her, and that I didn't see how his schedule would allow that anyway, as he travels and has a lot of business dinners, doesn't get home from the office until 7:30 or 8:00pm on a good day. I proposed dinner one night a week (not an overnight), and every other weekend at his place, which didn't include Sunday night, just Friday and Saturday. He said I made a good point and agreed to my proposal. I was pretty taken aback by that, I was expecting some push back, but didn't say anything. If we are all (both parents and kids) are handling things well, then his overnights can be increased as we go along. I'd rather start off skewed towards time with me and be able to release it as I see how my kids react than have to fight to get it back.

We both realize that D16 needs to be handled differently, she's old enough to make her own choices. That's where the concept of his "free" weekends came in, he didn't want D16 to visit on the opposite weekends of D11 because then he wouldn't have as much free time. Boo hoo.

S18, being of legal age, is under no obligation to see either one of us, but he still has a bedroom at our home, he won't have his own space at H's new place, it's a 3-bedroom.

[labug]

Hmmmmm curious abut your arrangement. Do you mean he's only going to have her one evening/week (3-4hrs?)and then maybe 36 hours every other weekend? Why?

[SunnyB]

For now, one weeknight evening every week and then from
Friday after school to 6pm on Sunday night every other weekend. Mostly because he travels a lot, has business dinners out a couple times a week. And he needs "free" time now also apparently.

I assume he will still come to her sports games and we by necessity will all attend church together also.

[labug]

But he originally asked for 50/50. How he figures out his 50% is up to him. He can step up for his daughter and she needs that time with him. Don't undermine that.

You also need time for you.

You said earlier that you wanted to know what you needed to change and he won't tell you. Maybe this is one of those things.

[labug]

Have you read Underdog's post to Maybell today?

[SunnyB]

labug, thank you for this. I have always done 80% of the parenting heavy lifting and it's hard to give up. I will have to consider why I did it, how it affected our M, and why I am reluctant to give it up going forward. It's something I need to ponder and process.

[Ahoy]

rppfl, I too handled the lion's share of parenting, thinking I was doing H a favor since he was so busy with work. Guess what? He resented it. Said I "interfered" with his parenting, that he felt he always had to "ask permission" to do something with daughter (not true- but we do have to communicate plans, right? in the past, anyway). Also, he feels that dads are made to look "stupid, stinky, and fat" (in TV commercials, I guess?). This is according to daughter who said, "well, you're not stupid or fat" (!). (But yes to stinky, apparently.) Somehow the TV perception of men is my fault, of course.

Now that we are separated, I have to COMPLETELY let go of parenting every other week. Difficult and scary, but also liberating in other ways. I have to find ways to be okay with his rules at his house, which contradict mine (regarding TV usage and devices, mainly).

My only advice is see this as an opportunity to let go a little control, and enjoy the bit of liberation it might bring you. Remember, we are all in training for the day when we watch our little ones leave the nest.

[SunnyB]

Now that we are separated, I have to COMPLETELY let go of parenting every other week.

Remember, we are all in training for the day when we watch our little ones leave the nest.

Ahoy, I admire you for being able to let go of parenting half the time. I am soooo not there. My gut feeling is that it's not good for D11, but I'm willing to consider that it has more to do with me than her.

My S (now 18) was a few weeks old when my mother referred to me not as my own name but ("S's name)'s mom". My D (now 16) had a friend who called me "(D's name)'s mom" for years past her other friends switched to Mrs. RPP. Everyone at my place of employment knows me as "(D11's name)'s mom" because she just graduated from here in the spring. I have little identity of my own, I'm Mom.

I was totally prepared to shoulder my 80% until they actually left the nest. The idea of giving it up before then is actually quite disturbing.

I have so many things to think about here. I appreciate the input from everyone.

[Georgiabelle]

RPP,

Every sitch is different. My xh complained that I didn't "intervene" on his behalf. That is something I'm unwilling to do a 180 on. His R with the kids is his. He also "just wanted to see the kids" so parenting time is not top priority for him. As a matter of fact, his activities and gf take precedent over the kids. That's his deal and his alone. This may change over time or it may not. I have no clue.

I see postings where some have suggested you *make * the other parent step up. Just from my own experience (and each sitch is different), my xh is not fond of hearing parenting suggestions from me, so I leave that alone. It also depends on your kids and the sitch. Again, it can all change. I'm just saying that things aren't always cut and dry.

Thanks!

[labug]

I see postings where some have suggested you *make * the other parent step up.

rpp, I'm just catching up on your sitch, so I don't know if this is ground that's been covered before. I'm not suggesting that you "make" him do anything and I hope it didn't come across that way. We know we can't make anyone to anything, right?

But we can get out of the way. Your H did originally ask for 50% so he must have wanted it.

This is less about him and more about you and your D.