Well...enough about me, what do YOU think of me???

[Shining]

Kml, yes...

Although, H has never been a drinker. From what I see now, he still isn't.

But, the depression? Definitely. Both H and xh suffer depression, although I wasn't able to recognize it for what it was at the time. I must be comfortable around that, or familiar, at the least.

Also a recipe to try to be the fixer, I suppose.... Clearly it's working well for me.

[Ggrass]

Mm mm shining sounds like we are twins.

Depressed partners who take no responsibility for their actions. Mmmmm well h would be strike to.
H1 was so depressed before I left he didn't leave the bed or the couch for a month, unless i forced him. Afterwards he talked about funeral arrangements death hanging himself etc.

So far all blokes I've been attracted to are wash outs, either as above too much baggage or too young or too something.

Alone is looking a good option.

[Shining]

GG, isn't it interesting...there are so many people living with and hiding their depression. Or we could be just magnets to them.

At my age, everyone has baggage, I imagine. I don't think there is anything wrong with baggage, as long as it gets unpacked.

[uRworthy]

You? A hot mess? Far from it. You are extremely insightful, S. Looking within is not fun. But man, what it can bring..

Being someone who likes to understand stuff, I have been curious why I feel a connection and thought I recognized some signs...my mom was an alcoholic, and the people pleaser thing and some other stuff.

So, you said you tend to own other people's problems, and often feel responsible for others' happiness and/or unhappiness. I understand that feeling. I used to feel it. I dont anymore. At least I try not to anymore. We are always works in progress.

It is tied into all the other stuff. You equating approval with love. The thing I figured out was if I own other people's stuff, I am doing them a huge disservice. If I took on other people's problems or feel responsible for their happiness, it is a terrible burden on me and it robs them of feeling all of life's moments...good and bad.

Nothing wrong with loving to be loved and giving it - nor is loving hard and deep or hurting deeply.

We sometimes learn that certain feelings are wrong. But I think one feels how they do. There arent wrong feelings, but, there can sometimes be wrong reactions.

I have learned that I am only responsible for my feelings. I cannot change someone else's nor should I. Each of us have a right to feel however we do. Each of us deserve to be allowed to experience happiness and sadness and joy, and heartache.

So, we do what we know, until we get better tools. Then, when we know better, hopefully we do better. We should always be works in progress.

Thank you for sharing all of that, S. Tough stuff, this. You are doing great.

[Shining]

uR, now you have me curious.... I really wish my brain had an "off" switch.

I was wondering about the signs you may have recognized. Also, I picked up on the connection early, and the "some other stuff" comment has my attention. I believe you wrote that before, but I was guessing you would have shared if you felt it was right.

I do equate approval with love. It sounds so needy...lol. I guess it is. I have become my dog.

Since you have "armed" me with this perspective....that I am potentially doing a disservice by owning others' stuff, and possibly even robbing them of feeling.... I am able to see it differently. That's exactly the view that will get me over this pattern. It has already helped me, little by little, allow H the space to go on his journey.

I have lots more "stuff" that made me the way I am....not all best for this forum, probably. I think the early years set the stage for the rest, anyway.

[uRworthy]

Turn that brain off....LOL!

I just saw what we children of alcoholics seem to have in common...the wanting approval, the feeling responsible for others happiness, etc.

But it is your sense of humor that I was also drawn to. I have gone through some tough stuff in my life. My sense of humor got me through a lot of it. Some people think I find humor in the strangest things....;).

I also wanted approval. I know why...because I didnt get it from the person I wanted it from the most...mommy.

I have learned my worth through all of this. I have learned that I am the one who determines it. No one can make me feel unworthy but me.

I have also learned that people may approve of me but not love me and the other way around. Either way, I am good with me.

Share as much or as little as you want, S. People on here are very insightful and may help you work through it...or you can choose to work through it yourself.

Either way....as long as you get to where you need to be..thats all that matters.

[Shining]

Aahhhh, yes... The humor. I find it everywhere, too, and I inherited from my dad. My dad was so quick witted. Also inappropriate, lol... I would say he pushed the limits more than he actually crossed them. He would have me cracking up in doctor's office waiting rooms, church, libraries...anywhere we were not supposed to make a scene, he would mumble something quietly, and the giggle fits would start. The most unusual places to laugh were where he brought out his best wit. I find humor in many places others may not agree... I try to dial it back.

Separation of approval and love...that's a biggie for me. I haven't put much thought into it before. Time to wake up to that one, too.

[Ggrass]

My grandad fought in a war and saw awful things he was the most gentle man.

He coined the term at least in our family god botherers! He said if god wanted to be talked at as much as some do, he would be on earth!

[Shining]

Funny how this thread title was originally about the selfish MLC H, and everything being about "him".... And now it seems to have become about me.

Things were uncomfortably quiet today. Forcing me to do more deep-thinking than I would choose. I'm pretty sick of myself right about now.

I'm a bit down today....sad and a little angry. The sadness is me feeling sorry for myself, because I feel alone and without direction. I'm working on defining some new goals. But I can't complete the dang thoughts. I'm all over the place, jumping between logic and fantasyland. My creative brain can be such a big pain in the a$$. My anger today started as a big "f u H". Then it turned onto me. I'm angry that I'm here again. Alone with the kids. I'm angry that I have to start over.....again. I'm angry that I allowed myself to be lied to. And that I believed this M was "it". I let my guard down, and I trusted. Then I tell myself, I SHOULD be able to trust my H, and I did nothing wrong by trusting. Then I get angry at myself for being angry.

I don't initiate contact, but I'm recognizing how I still manage to pursue H. H has been more distant, quiet....short texts. He keeps reaching out, but fewer and farther between. I have been baby stepping and extending more time between my responses, to try and change my habit of being so "available". It's very challenging for me. I'm still detoxing.

For any psyche-types out there, I was told years ago, and then again today, that for the Myers Briggs personality test... I'm an ENFP. Fantastic.

Who's surprised....??? I know one person who is probably not....

[daring]

Well Shining- I knew there was something that clicked when you talked about your feelings and approach to things.

I'm an ENFP too- pretty strong in each except for P which is closer to the middle.

The anger- I get it. I don't like when I feel angry but I've been learning to allow myself to feel it so I can move through it more quickly. I also sometimes get into the rut of feeling I do so much and give so much of myself, when will someone want to give to me? Then I get angry at myself too.

You're getting there- I can see the strength in your posts and goals. Sending positive thoughts and permission to feel the yucky ones when you need to.