Well...enough about me, what do YOU think of me???

[job]

Shining,
Dealing w/MLC is not for the faint of heart. This is not a sprint, but truly a marathon. Patience is one of the largest keys you will need during this. Continue to dig deeper for it. Keep expectations very low or even at zero. You won't be able to rely on him for things because his memory is that of a gnat and they become very forgetful and lose track of time as well.

Many here are fixers and planners...guess what, throw those tools out the window when dealing w/a MLCer. Nothing stays the same and because he's emotional, things will change in a second.

Read the book and you'll discover many things that may become clearer to you.

Keep the focus on you.

[Shining]

Job,
It's strange because I have an endless amount of patience for certain things. Yet other things, I can drive myself crazy. I'm catching myself all the time in old patterns of expectations. I'm definitely a fixer, not as much a planner. And being stubborn, I tend to need to hear things multiple times before they get through my thick skull, even though I know what I'm hearing is true.

The book is better than I thought it would be. I am finding that I have to read in doses, and put it down to fully absorb what I just read. It's not a fly-through quick read. And much of it hits home and makes me emotional. Uncomfortable. Exposed. Hard to look at those things sometimes, and realize how much there is to learn.

H is very quiet and distant. And I'm letting him be. He has been since the bad news (for him), about the closing being moved up, and he was upset but made sure to let me know "but it's not you". The reality is setting in that our house is going away. It's the biggest and most significant symbol of our dreams, now destroyed. Other things from our old life have already disappeared one by one. Our lives as we knew them are over. He is going to be on his own. I will not be right up the street. His adult kids will be out as well. This has to be scary for him since he has never lived alone. Although we S in April, I don't think being separated is what he thought it would be. I don't think his apartment will be the bachelor party-pad he originally envisioned. But he has to figure this out. Or not. I'm letting the consequences of his choices just be what they are. It's very hard for me. As you said, job, hour by hour, minute by minute, I'm fighting my instincts. I'm not fixing or rescuing. But I have the urge.... Fighting hard.

[Atsbaby]

It's crazy about the patience. I'm the same way...I'm patient with my kids at work (and they really know how to push buttons), I'm patient with my kids, but with Clark and this sitch, patience went out the window!

I have to take the book in sections also. It's tough reading and realizing the things we do and the people we have become. You'll get stronger realizing your faults and then fixing them for yourself.

Trying not to fix WAS is SO hard! I'm a fixer by nature and career!

[Shining]

Yes, Ats.... Patience is the lesson that has me saying, "Ok, ok, God, you got me. All the way down to the floor. Not on my knees, but laying on my back. Looking up. I'm listening and learning."

Soooo.... If anyone would like a lesson in PURSUIT, I'm apparently a master.

Wow. Humbling book. Page 194 "The degree of pain a pursuer will feel will be proportionate to how extreme a pursuer she is."

Degree of pain compared to my "extreme"...haha! That's funny. Current Level=Midieval Torture Chamber.

I am convinced that I absolutely have to change this for myself, regardless of H or our M. I don't want this. I don't want to BE this.

GAL for me is going to be tough. Easier when I land a new fabulous job....I'll have more new distractions. But emotionally, to not be dependent on anyone....that's gonna be my Mt. Everest.

[Shining]

Today I'm sitting quietly. By choice. I'm in a pretty good place, emotionally. The feelings of fear, urgency, insecurity, disparity, and overall "neediness" are starting to wane.

Here is what I still know today:
1. I'm pretty awesome.
2. I'm worthy of being happy.
3. My kids are growing into some amazing young adult-like beings.
4. The sun is shining.
5. My rent is paid.
6. My dog is a spaz.
7. Nothing h does or says matters at all, because he's absolutely crazy and it's obvious because he doesn't want to be married to me right now, and, well....refer to #1.

New to the list:
8. God is working on me, and today I have a broader sense of the person I want to be.
9. God is working on my H, and it is obvious, strange, and beautiful. I'll explain later.
10. Whether or not my M survives, I will be more than just ok. I will be better. Either way, I'll be better. In other words, the M has no real impact on my ability to grow.


H and his kids are going to start moving out of the house in a few days. H's adult kids secured an apartment yesterday. Things are moving fast.

H asked me to come over last evening, and see if there is anything in the house that I want. H said he didn't want to throw anything away without first asking me. I decided to go.

WHAT WAS DIFFERENT: (Whether it's a sign of growth, or just good timing, I'll take it as a positive.)
This time, I wasn't nervous about seeing him. I didn't go with a desperate sense of clinging to what "was". I didn't feel I needed to overthink my appearance, my words, or my body language. I didn't hope he would hug me or kiss me, or want to ML. I didn't need him to compliment me, or ask me anything about my day at all. I didn't have an agenda. I didn't care whether he told me about his mood, his feelings, his apartment, his work, his kids, or even if he had a gf for that matter. That's just it. It didn't matter. I won't go so far as to say I'm detached. But I was very calm, confident, and fearless. Not arrogant or confrontational, that's not even in me. But somewhat removed from feeling. A little disconnected. I don't know if it's healthy, or if I'm shutting down emotionally, too. All I know is it's different.

I looked at H differently. I listened differently. It seemed the same as I would listen to a coworker talk about their personal life. I felt empathetic, but that it wasn't my life being affected by the events. It shocked me, actually. I am a little worried that I'm falling out of love.

As a side note, I don't particularly like this about myself, but I do have a need to pointlessly analyze H. I think uR is right, that it's likely a part of my process in getting to acceptance. I can feel that I am getting there, though. Especially after last night.

We did not have any R talk at all. I didn't realize this until I was home. Big positive.

I will post more details of last night, but I'm still sorting it out, and letting it sink in. I like that I was able to apply what I've read and learned, and it is helping me make sense of things so I can move forward.

I'm so much closer to being detached and accepting of this mess as it is today.

[Shining]

Journaling (I'm sorry this is so long....yikes! If you're following, grab a beverage. I should have added commercial breaks, or at least a good half-time show.)

Mind dump. No worries, vets. I got this.

I'll start this journaling with the acknowledgement that I now know I can't fix H. I noticed that I'm no longer trying. Not because I gave up, not because I don't want him "fixed", but because I can love him enough to let him learn things his own way, not mine.

First half:
When I got to the house, H answered the door. He had been napping for several hours yesterday, and he looked bad...very run-down. He hadn't shaved. His posture was rounded. His eyes were droopy. He wasn't trying to look like "the Player" at all. He was not even trying to "fake" happiness to me.

We walked through the house. H was looking down a lot. H told me about his kids' apartment, where it was, what it looked like, how he helped them fill out paperwork, etc. H said they were so excited to be going out on their own.

One of the major M issues we had, was regarding H S21. For years, H avoided dealing with S21 major behavioral, developmental, and emotional issues (before my time) and S21 newly diagnosed learning disability, out of H past guilt. I didn't know this existed until we became a blended family. Our MC always said that "H has got to deal with his r with his son." H negative feelings were frequently projected onto me, and our MC said we would not be able to reconcile until H can come to terms with his past as a young father.

Yesterday, H became extremely emotional as he told me all about how he was helping to teach and launch his kids out into the world. This was so HUGE for him to be able to do, and I can't even write all the ways H was describing. H kids were, at one time, out of his life for years, and lived in a high-conflict-drama-abusive household. They came back around after we were married. H carried so much guilt and feelings of failure for years, and it clearly took it's toll on all of us. Last night, H broke down hard as he told me that finally he can rest, knowing they are starting their lives on their own. Especially after such troubled a history.

When we S, and my kids and I moved out of the house, I left with the mistaken idea that H and I would have a break from the stress and be able to work on our M. Obviously, H had different ideas, as there was an ow I didn't know about.

I told our MC at the time last April, that I knew I needed to remove my kids from the abuse, and remove myself as a distraction, so H could focus on his r with S21. MC was floored that I was willing to move out, rather than insist that S21 be the one to go. I said to MC, all that would create is more resentment toward me. Why would I want that? There was zero potential for success in that option. Yes, H should have recognized and put his wife ahead of his S21 abusive behavior. But this had been going on too long, and that wasn't going to happen. Without even knowing about MLC, I knew H wasn't behaving rationally. I asked H to leave with S21 at one point. H refused. The only thing I could control was what I was going to do about it. So I stepped aside.

Well, it happened. They have come so far in their r and S21 development into a man. S21 and I long reconciled our differences, back when h had ow in mid summer. I look back now, and through all the crazy of the past months, at least for S21 and H, the best thing ....happened. I'm still processing this fact, because it was IMO, one of the biggest hurdles in our M. The changes in S21 are significant.

Another thing that wouldn't have happened if I stayed, is that H D19 moved into the house. H was able to work through things with her, too. Not done, not a healthy r and still completely dysfunctional, but definitely progress, and definitely better. H kids would not have come together and found an apartment together without having the experience with their dad this past summer, the good, bad, and ugly of it.

Their growth had to happen, and I had to get out of the way. That was never about me. But my M was certainly destined to fail if this didn't happen.

Before I go on, please allow me to defensively justify my fixation....lol. I reiterate that I'm just journaling, and I like to study the patterns. I am intrigued by this process. I needed to read everything when I first came on this board. I'm ok....No 2x4's needed. My patience and clarity have surfaced.

2nd Half
All night, I just listened. This next part was hard. H didn't come out and say the words, "I have a problem" or "I need help" or "I can see the problem is me". But he did say he has not been feeling well, not been sleeping well, and he knows something needs to change. (He clearly doesn't know where to look yet, but I'm letting him figure that out). He said he's going to schedule an appointment with dr, to reevaluate his AD. Although he looked more depressed than I've ever seen him, he said he doesn't feel that he is super depressed. He said it's not like he can't get out of bed, but he doesn't feel anything at all. He said things that should excite him, don't get him excited. He said he's missing passion. He gave me examples. Now, he has said this before. In fact, at first BD, when he said he knew something was wrong. But he has a deeper sense of it, and he seemed scared. H said he also needs to recheck his T levels. His last bump was in July, and his number was a third of where it should be. He was very open about his concerns with his health. I doubt he has anyone else that he talks to about this.

Will there be a magic pill to cure his pain? Of course not. He is still looking externally for a fix to his problems. He seems to be slower, though. Since we had been communicating much this week, it doesn't appear h has been actively dating or seeking to date lately. This can cycle back, I am aware. But for now, this is where it is.

There were issues at H work this past week that were extremely stressful, and H told me of several, possibly spun, stories. H body is having physical reactions to stress. Skin reactions, sinus, muscle aches and stiffness, not sleeping, and his eyes hurt. I feel for him, but I don't feel I need to fix him.

There was a lot of talking about his dad and stepdad. And things H now observes in them, but he said he didn't think of it growing up. Behaviors, patterns, anger, discipline, things that bothered H.... I didn't really know what it was about, but it just let him talk and didn't interfere. Just validated as a friend.

H told me these things over dinner, and then we went back to house and snuggled next to each other and just listened to music for about 2 hours. It was not a romantic snuggle, and nothing physical happened. H didn't even try. (Another sign of depression, I believe). It was like friends. H rambled all night long. About nothing. About everything. Not about us at all. It was like listening to a high school kid talk sometimes, about a rock band, or a concert he went to. Some of it was talking about his plans of selling some things and buying other things. He caught himself rambling, and apologized. Often. H categorized this visit as "2 adults who were just not wanting to be alone and keeping company."

Yep, uR, I was the evening-bandaid. It's ok, though. I knew this at the time. I will not allow myself to live as the bandaid after he moves. I am pulling away. I felt very disconnected, and kept noticing my feelings. I can let him go.

For the vets who have been helping me get past this recent turmoil, I know I still have a long road. When H moves, I feel the transition will be natural for me to let go. That these last days in our house are baby steps toward that transition. I am preparing for it. The hardest part for me will be him reaching out, and for me to not be there so readily. That is a fine line, and a boundary I have yet to set.

I know he needs to live alone, and I can see he is beginning to think. I have to get out of his head and allow him to do this. He may come back. He may not. He has to do this without me. He just has to. I've got this now.

God is working. I can see it in H. It's obvious in the changes of H words, appearance, and thoughts. It's strange to observe someone so lost as they figure out something they have within. It's beautiful to see, even through the pain, that God is here this whole time, and this is so much bigger than what's in my own little bubble of a world.

I'm going to be great. I love this gift of waking up, and seeing things differently.

Today I'm still. I'm letting the detachment settle in. I've turned a corner.

[uRworthy]

No 2x4's from me. I know you know that I understand the need to analyze, digest and journal. The trouble comes when you live there. As long as you see that you shouldnt, that's what's important.

So, the patience and clariyy thing....will be an ongoing exercise for some time for you.

Some good stuff happened for him with the relationship with his children. He is seeing some stuff regarding his family, also, which is great.

He still has a long road ahead of him. It is going to be real bumpy at times. Nothing you can do about that, though.

Ok, I wouldnt say you were a bandaid. You were a friend. Yes, it will be a fine line. As you detach more and more, it will become easier to just live you life and allow him to live his.

So, I would like to talk some about you. You are starting to see some stuff about yourself. What are some things you are doing to help understand why you behave as you do? What are some ways you can begin to change those behaviors if you choose to?

Can you tell us some about your childhood. I really would like to hear more about you.

[Shining]

Oh, thank you, uR... Your response is important to me.

My childhood.... Hmmm. In a nutshell, I thought at the time it was great. I still think it was pretty good. Growing up, Mom was a doting, perfectionist neat freak, very loving, very worried about outward appearances. Dad, the most brilliant, loving and giving alcoholic with a sense of humor, who never felt he was good enough for my mom....yeah. One brother, 2.5 years older, who would have preferred to remain an only child. He was a gorgeous, genetically gifted, but crabby baby. I came along, and bounced, danced, and smiled my way through hearts. Lots of attention from dad and mom. Mom now says she overcompensated for brother's inborn unhappiness by never confronting anything negative with him. Dad just didn't get him, and bonded more with me.... I hated knowing I was the favorite, felt guilty, and pretty much gave my brother everything I had, deeming him either more worthy, or more in need. He was usually happy with just money. We actually got along very well for siblings. We giggled, played games, had tons of creative fun, as long as I did as he wanted. I thought he was awesome, but I also feared him. He had a temper. He was jealous of me and I knew it. I downplayed my life because of it. How am I so far? A hot mess?

[Shining]

Here is what I know about me:
I'm a recovering people-pleaser. The thought of disappointing anyone was my biggest fear growing up. I cried easily. I never got in trouble because I feared the look of disapproval on my parents' faces. I always wanted to help and fix things of which I had no business. I still tend to own other people's problems, and often feel responsible for others' happiness and/or unhappiness. I need to learn differentiation. I am a codependent enabler. I love being loved, and giving it. I love hard and deep. I hurt equally as I love. When I sense someone is unhappy, I can, at times, feel it is my job to try and make them happy. I do know, it isn't my job, but this is my instinct. I am very intelligent in some areas, and absolutely clueless in other areas. I sometimes feel that I need to perform to be accepted, but I have noticed that being myself is usually accepted and appreciated more than my performance. I'm a work in progress, for sure.

Ick. Thought vomit.

[kml]

Dad, the most brilliant, loving and giving alcoholic with a sense of humor, who never felt he was good enough for my mom.

And your brother....

I thought he was awesome, but I also feared him. He had a temper. He was jealous of me and I knew it. I downplayed my life because of it. How am I so far? A hot mess?

Seems like a pattern that would lead you to relationships with depressive and/or alcoholic partners???