Dealing with WAW part 5

[pilot]

Here is a question for the old timers (vets). Is there an 'expiration date' on NC/dark/dim? Let me clarify. After a BD or whenever a LBS begins to LRT, NC (or a variation) would seem to have the most effect as the WAS is confused as to what is going on. However, after a period of months of, lets call it, limited contact, does the whole concept go from being effective to 'routine' for the WAS? Do they begin to just build their life around the idea of the limited/NC and accept it as the new normal?

I hope that makes sense...any input would be appreciated.

Thanks

[Ss06]

Well phrased, pilot. I'm curious about responses.

[LisaB]

Was just wondering the same thing! How long is NC useful and when does it just become the new normal. Or is it all about the WAS, letting them have their time "alone" however long it takes for them to reach out? And then what should the NCer consider as the WAS "reaching out" and what to do about it? Stop NC?

Who has an answer for us?

[Jacket]

Thank you for posing this question. I've been wondering the exact same thing.

[pilot]

W just came by to get the kiddos for her week. We smiled and spoke briefly, but pleasantly. I have to say it does seem we are growing more and more apart these past few weeks. Her demeanor definitely shows a stronger detachment than over the summer. Dunno... Its almost as if there was something looming on the horizon.

[pilot]

I just had a very long and interesting talk with a couple who are greats friends of mine. The guy and I have been close friends for years. He recently remarried. She was a classic WAW from her first marriage, and it was extremely interesting to listen to her talk about her M and how it fell apart. Also it was really interesting to hear her perspective on what she was thinking the entire time and her mindset. Even after she said something 'clicked' and she was done, she still held out hope that he would change and they could work things out.

She had a really rough marriage for years, and during that time she said she tried and tried to make things work out. And after years of threatening D, she finally filed and proceeded. While she was talking about this, she was offering advice on what she thought I should do in my M. Some of it seemed to conflict with what I would say is proper DBing. And I challenged her on part of it. She thought I should call my W tomorrow and let her know I wanted to work on our M. This was after I updated her on the entire story since we have been back. Things I have done, right and wrong. Things with LF which she then said I was sending all the wrong signals to W by doing that. At any rate, I challenged her and said when you were 'done' and checked out with your H, and your D was proceeding, and he called you up and said lets have lunch and talk about working on our M, what would you have said to him? She said she would have gone. She said she was hoping all along he would change for the better, but she never saw it from him. She said if she thought he was willing to work on changing and work on the problems they had, she would have jumped at the chance. Because in reality, she did not want a D, but she was at her wits end and did not want to continue life the way she had been living.

In a lot of ways, our M stories were similar. In other ways not so. We did not share the history of conflict they did. But we did share the history of financial downfall, along with his seeming lack of effort to correct it in her eyes. He would go off and spend his time fishing (like I did) and what not.

There are many more things we talked about, but this one really stuck out to me...her saying I need to let her know that I still want to work on our relationship. And it is funny it comes at this time because this morning I was rereading my entire posting history (no where near finished yet) and I was reading where 25 said this in reference to a post I made about how I was pretty firm about things being over right before our S began.

I just had a long deep conversation with someone in this position (your wife's) and she told me that in her opinion, "too much water under the bridge" and that her h would "never forgive me,so there's no point in trying to come back".

I still have yet to talk to a DB coach, and suspect I will this week. I will definitely bring this up.

For what its worth, a couple months after original BD (last Sept.) my W and I were trying to work things out. We went to their house during one of our visits here. My friend said to her H after we left that she thinks my W has checked out. Funny she would say that because during talks this past May before our S began, she admitted that after original BD, she never gave us a chance.

She also cannot figure out why my W has not served me yet, and does not buy the 'to save my feelings' angle. She did give me a bunch of 2x4s for some of the things I have done over the summer..especially regarding LF.

[pilot]

More nuggets of wisdom from 25 back in June which relates perfectly for where I am today...

Me: But a person's spouse is already in an A either EA or PA, how could there possibly be judgement from the other?

25: it's not about their judgement. But it DOES contradict your alleged desire to reconcile AND it smacks of one upmanship AND it also undermines any claim that you think it's wrong to have an affair while still married. Do you not see anything wrong or off about this? I need to know what you personally truly believe about this.

[LisaB]

Hi pilot, I find this all interesting. It relates to my situation as well. On the one hand we want to set boundaries, not pursue and show that we are good on our own and don't have to cling to the WAS. On the other hand if we do NC, act like we've moved on and maybe even are seen with another person... is it too much?

Maybe the WAS will not like it if you do NC. Maybe the WAS will get upset or jealous when they see you with someone else. But if they feel hopeless about trying to win you back, and embarrassed about their mistakes and behavior, and have low self esteem and etc etc then maybe the NC and moving on is a bit too much.

What is the place of balance between pursuing and NC? I'm guessing it is something unpredictable and random. In other words no contact interspersed with some kind of sign showing you could be open to reconciliation. I have no idea what that would be. Maybe something with their love language? What is your W's LL? A little raft of hope that they could cling on to or choose to ignore.

Good luck pilot. I'm interested to see what you decide to do going forward. Though I have been here only a short time compared to you I think we often have some similarities in where we stand.

Hugs, Lisa

[igit]

Pilot, I found by DB coach having a little different s tragedy then the DB book. It might be from the time talking with the coach. Some great conversations , I have spent 8 hrs over 3 months with my coach. I think she has helped me keep focused and my mind in the on the result I am looking for. It will be interesting to hear your experience with coach.

[pilot]

I have my first coaching session at noon central today with Amanda. Will be interesting I am sure!