Igit newbie needs help part 3

[igit]

Pilot, I am not sure, she is such a control freak. It migHT be wise to keep things close to my vest rt now. I don't think it's a bad idea for her to think I am ok and moving on. Let her do her thing and I will do mine. Stay super busy after work, work late ect. Nothing is going to happen with D hearing for prob.3 to 4 wks. I don't think it's a bad idea to see how things will be in future. No me to control. What are your thoughts on picture

[pilot]

Well since you asked, I would not write what you wanted to on it. I know it is nice, and it is something you WANT to say, but ask yourself if you are REALLY hoping to spark some memories in her. You may be looking for a response and you most likely will not get one. A picture collage (spelling?) covering your entire 17 years of marriage may be something to consider. Wedding/child births/fun times together etc. No words, just a collage. She will get the idea, and since it is an anniversary it is appropriate to cover those 17 years.

[igit]

Pilot, s o I have been avoiding w most of day.this afternoon I took a much needed nap.woke up and kids and w were home. I said a little sarcastically happy anniversary. W got a little irritated because D12 heard.we went outside and conversation did not start to well.she asked me why i wouldnt talk to her.I said i just dont think i can talk to you rt now. I think you are still having your fling and until that is over i dont have anything to discuss.she said its over why cant i believe her.I told her i just cant trust what you tell me rt now. Im sorry i feel that way.Conversation then got better between us. We were not angry or heated she said she just wasnt a happy person rt now. She said its not fair to you and I know its not fair to the kids. I said do you think it would be best for kids to stay with me. I don't think you can be there for them with your work. She said well either can you. I said exactly. So why do this. She said well maybe we should just seperate for a while. I said the lawsuit has been started only you can stop it. Amy way she left for library and to sell some football tickets She has called me a few times laughing at our wedding photographer, she said it was a beautiful wedding. She said we need to talk more. I told her my door was open to her. She called back to see if I was ok. I said I was fine. I don't know if she is second guessing herself thinking about a seperation, I am corn fused.

[igit]

Pilot, s o I have been avoiding w most of day.this afternoon I took a much needed nap.woke up and kids and w were home. I said a little sarcastically happy anniversary. W got a little irritated because D12 heard.we went outside and conversation did not start to well.she asked me why i wouldnt talk to her.I said i just dont think i can talk to you rt now. I think you are still having your fling and until that is over i dont have anything to discuss.she said its over why cant i believe her.I told her i just cant trust what you tell me rt now. Im sorry i feel that way.Conversation then got better between us. We were not angry or heated she said she just wasnt a happy person rt now. She said its not fair to you and I know its not fair to the kids. I said do you think eellhad a good c We laughed about some of the funny things about wedding.

[igit]

Pilot my reply didn't come thru , let me finish by saying when I asked her if she thought kids would be better with me do to her job and her not having enough time for them. Her reply was well how would you. My answer was my thoughts exactly. Don't you think we could do this better together. Anyway I told her I needed tax returns, she said she wanted to talk about it. I told her it was in motion. I needed to do this. Anyway she had to go to library, she called and said maybe we should seperate for a while. I don't know what that means. I told her we would talk about it

[pilot]

igit, I would not rule out the possibility she really is having second thoughts. I have read where it has happened to others that as D date gets close, or in your case, a D deadline, it really starts to hit home with the WAS. She really may be having second thoughts. I am not saying drop your guard, but maybe brush aside some of those boulders on the pathway back home.

I have faith you will know to what extent to expose yourself to an unknown. Keep the faith!

[igit]

Pilot I am not sure what is going on with her. She has always refused to see a psychologist. For her individual issues. Today I see bills on counter and there is a bill from 2 recent visits.she was telling me earlier in conversation she doesn't know why she is unhappy. She doesn't want to hurt me and she doesn't want to hurt kids. She is all over the place. I am trying to be as gentle as possible with her but need to face realities of legal stuff. I have been trying to get tax returns for 4 days from her and she is not providing. Tomorrow I may just tell her look I need to give these to my L on monday morning. If you are having second thoughts and want to talk about a different course of action then let's talk about it. I may do the collage of pics.didn't give her anything today. I know things would get back difficult living together going through the process of a D. There is just to many raw emotions. I honestly don't know if I will be able to be her freind for a long time l lif we D. I just think it would be to. Difficult to even see her. She asked me what would be the hardest part for me. I told her saying goodbye to her. I don't think that was what she was expecting. It will be a very emotional week coming up.

[pilot]

Ok, I am going to suggest something which might be difficult for you. But give her a chance to talk. Your recent posts have all mentioned her wanting to 'talk' and you have avoided that. I dont blame you for avoiding that, and I certainly get the notion of protecting yourself with the legal matters. However from what I am reading over the past several days is your W really is confused. Now add that to the discovery she is seeing professional help, it is quite possible she really is having second thoughts but does not know how to approach them, or you. The tax return issue would speak to this as well. She may be withholding them simply to stall, delay, or in some way not want to continue down the path she started.

Now this is all speculation, and I am by no means saying I know this for sure, but give her a chance. Sit down with her, and listen. Listen and validate. I would be cautious of what you say, but give her a chance to speak. However, if she is anything like my W, she will not speak freely. You will have to wrestle and pry it from her even if she is dying to say it.

I also hold off on mentioning how difficult D will be on her or you in the future. You have said it a couple of times, so no need to repeat it. She knows. Was her offer to separate instead of proceed with a D? Your statement of you do not think you can be friends is an emotional one, and I totally get it. I feel the same way at times. But you have kids, young ones at that, which means you and her will be constantly in contact for a very long long time. Even when your kids are grown, you two will be bound. In time, even if you D, a friendship is possible. Time does heal all wounds. It is just hard to see at this juncture.

Again, I do not mean to upset your apple cart. But perhaps extending an olive branch would not be a bad thing the next time she makes an overture at wanting to talk to you. What is the worse that can happen? If it turns out to be a bust for you, well, you still have your summons to answer this week. Best case, things get delayed a bit, and steps are taken in a positive direction.

[igit]

Pilot, your rt on with letting her talk. She came into my room and gave me tax returns. I looked her in the eyes and asked her if she wanted to talk. She said yes I been trying to talk to you for last 4 months. You won't listen etc. We don't have to do things like this rt now if you can talk to me maybe we can figure something out together. So we see what transpires Today

[pilot]

igit, take this as a GREAT sign. not to let your guard down, but she is opening up about some of her frustrations. her saying she has been trying to 'talk' to you for 4 months but you wont listen. In other words, she has been saying something maybe you have not been hearing. listen to what she has to say. validate. do not point fingers or cast blame. use this opportunity to show off the new you.

this is a good thing for you!

I would just also like to add caution to not get your expectation built up for anything. Just listen to what she has to say, validate, and make the interaction as positive for both of you as possible. Your M wont be fixed over this one talk, but it certainly can be a good step in the right direction.