Just reporting back on the much antcipated interactions yesterday. Warning - this will be a dull post.
I ended up having to initiate contact via text because I got a call from D3s school that she had a fever and I needed to pick her up. I texted H to tell him this (D3 was hospitalized with pneumonia last year, since then we've been extra nervous about her health). Also said "hope you dr. appt went well". Here's the text exchange:
H: "I start work tomorrow" M: Glad to hear it - I'm sure you're tired of desk duty. Will send you a note when we are done at Drs. H: Ok
Later that day:
M: D3 is ok - will be on anitbiotics for 5 days H: Ok
When I got home he had emailed me his schedule for the next 4 weeks with no comment - just a picture he took of his schedule. I emailed back (we hadn't resolved whether he could have the girls for overnights during school week) and was careful to use words of praise like my DB coach suggested:
"Hi H,
I'm glad you are off of desk duty and hope your injuries are all healed up. I know you're good at whatever job you do, but I can't really imagine you on desk duty.
I spoke to the therapist about overnights during the school week, and she wasn't enthusiastic about all that driving given their ages.
That being said, you are a wonderful and conscientious father, your daughters adore you and they need to see you, so I'm willing to give it a go.
Let's start with one night a week (and maybe later we can add a second night here and there).
......(logistical stuff about pick up and drop offs)
If you have an alternate suggestion, please let me know.
You are very welcome to get them ready for school and pick them up on other days as well. I appreciate any extra time I can spend at work right now. If you would like them on a weekend evening - let me know. Sundays would be best.
Thanks"
Of course - no response to that.
I sent a picture of D6 in her soccer gear on opening day to him this morning and he responded - "Thank You".
We are major conversationalists right now in the Raliced household......
So we have hammered out a schedule where I will see H twice a week- once when he picks up girls and once when he drops off - which will be when I coach D6s soccer team and he will hang around for practice to watch D3 for me.
I guess this means I need to pick up some more flattering athletic clothes since I will be running around in front of him for an hour each week.
Prepared for pickup.
House is pleasant and serene - check I will be pleasant and serene - check I will be prepared to praise, make eye contact, and try really hard to smile sincerely - check Oh ...and must look smoking hot. - Sorta check
You're in NorCal so it's a bit cooler but there's nothing quite like workout wear to turn a man's head. Leggings and fun tops? Come on! You got this!!!! Check out Fabletics. I can't wait to hear how it goes.
About pick up...
I don't know if you or H is a wine drinker but I've peaked H's interest more than once by answering the door looking and smelling amazing, house beautiful, music on, a book draped over the arm of the couch with a fresh glass of wine sitting there. He definitely noticed and asked, "ooh, what're you drinking there?"
I KNOW our house is calmer and prettier than his pad and I do everything I can to make it as inviting as I can when he stops by.
It has been hot here which means the air is on a lot but at night I open as many windows as possible and air the house out so it smells fresh (not that it doesn't but I'm super conscious of a 'closed-up-house' smell).
Who knows if it works but it makes me feel calmer and that has to be somethin' right?
Alas- pick up will happen at early morning (and I. am. not. a. morning. person.), so I will have to replace wine with coffee...and maybe some baked goods.
I have no idea what our house is like versus where he is living (as I have never seen it) - but I certainly love it and have been giving it a lot of attention the last couple of weeks.
The goal is that each week the environment looks better and that I look a little better!
Feeling pensive this morning. Husband came to house at 6:15 to get kids ready for school and I left for work. I'm working on the detachment. I never feel any urge to text, email or otherwise communicate - but I can't deny that when he walked in this morning my heart swelled from habit. When I look at his face, I think how I know every nook and cranny of it and yet he is suddenly such a stranger now, and I realize I have a long ways to go, and of course a loud steady refrain of "How did we get here?" runs through my head.
He did his best to avoid any eye contact with me - he was REALLY concentrating on petting the dogs. At least he didn't seem hostile (more sheepishness). I did my best to smile - but I couldn't find an opportunity to work in any words of affirmation, so really just a mediocre interaction (but I'll take the "no hostility" right now).
The kids were waking up as I left - and they were SO overjoyed to see him. It really seems unfathomable that this is happening to them. You know the old trope about how the wife starts ignoring the husband as soon as the kids are born, and gives them all of her love and attention? In our house, I always felt that H took that role, but now of course, I can't help but wonder. Does he really ache for them right now, or does he possibly enjoy the lessened responsibility and greatly increased free time? Not sure that it matters, but just more evidence of how I really don't know him now.
I'm no expert (only at obscure 80s music and pop culture garbage), however if your h is in MLC, it is very possible that he feels a great relief if not having the daily responsibilities. I don't mean he doesn't miss things about the family- just that he may very well be relieved to escape the daily grind. Prior to BD, my h said it was like that movie "Groundhog Day" in our house and weekends were like prison. I thought he was being funny because there is a certain element of truth when you have kids. It's not skydiving naked while doing shots of Patron, you know?
One snippet of advice. Don't try to force conversation. Yes, the little eye contact is related to guilt-that's on him. You can't fix that.
Do things that make you feel good, laugh, look good and enjoy the kids. Focus on you. It gets better!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I think I should probably do some more reading about MLC. I've done some internet searching, but maybe I should look into something more substantial.
I'm sure everyone in MLC is different (since they are individuals), but I wonder if there is also some additional nuance. For example, my husband is at the lower end of the age range and our children are younger (in no way can he make the MLC argument that he has been working his whole life for other people and now deserves to live for himself). Anyone with an MLC spouse have a book that really spoke to them?
There is a great deal of info on the web. I'll be honest-I'm not sure calling it that makes anything different. My m was not perfect prior to BD and there were things I needed to work on for me. However, something's became a little clearer post BD for what xh is going through. As best one can understand it.
Just remember this, your h's feelings are his. While some of the things he says may be preposterous, HE believes them if only for the moment he says them. My xh's biggest thing was that his entire life changed when he had kids. He believed mine did not. That's ludicrous to tell someone who has had 3 csections, worked full time, etc. However, (and I apologize if you don't believe your h is going thru MLC-may have gotten him confused with someone else) it IS how they feel and think. Can't rationalize with an irrational person.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/10/1403:40 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Yesterday, H returned the girls at an event where D6 was getting her soccer pictures taken (as Coach, I was part of this as well)- it was probably the longest H and I have been together since BD (He had to watch D3 while we were busy.
THE BAD:
Well, it was awkward of course.
H didn't really follow through what we had agreed on ahead of time and didn't have D6 in her uniform ready to go, which irritated me.
As we were leaving and he was walking to his truck, he was immediately buried in his phone, and despite my efforts at detachment, I immediately assumed he was communicating with OW (who as far as I know is his only real friend right now).
The usual lack of eye contact and frequent use of his "cop voice" when speaking to me
THE GOOD:
I didn't get upset about the uniform snafu. I just smiled and dealt with and in fact was able to remain upbeat and positive throughout.
We actually had a brief conversation about D3 and how she is coming out of her terrible twos.
I'll take it as a win that there was no overt hostility, and as he left H mumbled "let me know what you need".
I'm finally letting go over all the irritation I feel about him creating a second "home" for the girls. The reality is that we ARE separated and its appropriate to do this.
Honestly, I'm glad that's over with for the week. The local school board has a vacancy and I'm going to look into it as a GAL activity. Also joined the church choir as both GAL and something to do with my Mom. The median age at our church must be about 75, and the choir director was so tickled to have some pipes that are under seventy years old!
