still holding on - 4

[u-turn]

I do know that I cannot back down from this. Likely she will hide things better - I don't know what to expect now (not that I have known anyway). I also know that this weekend will not change her - but at least she knows what I am feeling, that I have limits, and that I need to take care of myself.

I don't exactly know what moving forward is - I know it isn't prudent for me to move out, but I can't toss her out. It seems easier for me to leave and maybe easier on the kids for me to leave. Since she is not wanting to divorce and in the end I don't want it either. I don't know how to handle this. - but I know that I cannot live like this - I've complicated and confused myself and the whole situation.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad too MLP.

[u-turn]

Dawgy
Good work? I'm not feeling it - but thanks.

[Old Dog]

But dinner...it's hard to muster the energy to go out with him anymore, honestly. I feel mostly dead.

Hey MLP. If you come over to London I'll take you out to dinner :-)

(Not so) Old Dog xx

[CaliGuy]

U-Turn

Just a few observations ... maybe a small 2x4 ... but you know sometimes it helps when someone else sees something in your sitch .. however small it may be.

So, the OM thing ... you can not do anything about that, except what you did, stating your boundaries and now you must hold to them as hard as that is .. the thing that I noticed was the time frame ... read enough around here and you realize all these A's die a natural death as we work on ourselves ... the time fram is really close right? If she values you .. you detach, do your thing, and now you have the cards ... she will have to prove to you the OM is gone, full transparency ... so you can both move in the direction of R if thats what you both want. ..... This may mean you have to move out just to prove you are serious ... my sitch .. she moved, but now seems she has found herself alone and I was real close to dropping the rope last week and again this week .. she keeps testing me now like a child and I have held my ground ... even thought I would love to just hug her .. I cant just yet .. not till I am sure we are past that point of limbo.

Anyways ... my point .. the OM may be on shaky ground .. but she has to end it ... you can't no matter what you do ... you have to be that better choice ... she still looks like she has a decision to make.

[u-turn]

thanks cali - I feel like a full 2x4 is in order.

I know that waiting fir the A to die is what I need to do (I know statistically she may be close to the end (in the shortest A's)? - or not, but I cannot count on that and cannot count on it not being a long one).

If there out outward signs of it, I have to act. I am just pulling back and observing. She is pursuing me now and I am trying to make my detachment keep me strong. I don't want to just be drawn back in and it all start over again.

I have read about the pursuer.... cycle (but cannot find anything on that now). When I read it before, it described what I think is happening with me. I tend to rush back and ruin progress.

Anyone know about how an A dies on its own - cold turkey end vs. slowly fizzling out to nothing? and signs of either?

[dawgy]

Hey Turn ol buddy keep your chin up . You are doing great . When i feel like its all in vain I go back a read many old posts so as to refresh me and get me on the right track . Remember Mr bonds " Be the lighthouse " its been helping me .

As far as affairs dying a natural death , I do believe in that . But the trick is to keep her when it does die . I worry about my wifes leaving and the affair dying and then she decides she wants neither of us . Many WAS affairs die only to be replaced by another AP . Thats another reason DBing is so important . Show her you are the best choice . Be the the lighthouse Your friend Dawgy

[Shakspr]

u-turn: tactical question. Have u researched legal separation? It varies state to state, and you may even do it in your own home, but you can state those boundaries loud and clear if you need to. Your children are your priority 1 right now (or 1A - you need to care for yourself first in order to do the job right!)

It also has the advantage of not being an actual divorce.

[u-turn]

Thanks dawgy for the lighthouse reminder - it helps me a lot. I am still trying to stay positive and show her that I am - trying to be the best person I can be if the opportunity returns. I know we have heard it before, but I hope you are doing that too.

Shakspr: I have researched D and legal separation (there is a 1 year max time limit for a legal separation in my state IN).

I know everything has changed and I have no idea what her reaction will be, but putting my rose colored glasses on - everything in our lives has been 50/50. For the last year that even applies to our salaries. I don't see too many arguments on a continued equal split of everything.

I think a separation (just living separately) as opposed to a legal separation may be effective for both of us (unless we see that there is too much conflict). It may give us the time to get our sht together and figure ourselves out. I have a feeling that the biggest things we could separate from each other is our time and emotions (I'm not sure if this makes sense). Anything else to me seems like a D and it is final.

Neither of us are materialistic - It would all come down to the kids and probably our emotions.

[u-turn]

Just adding to something I wrote earlier - hoping to get some insight>

She is pursuing me now and I am trying to make my detachment keep me strong. I don't want to just be drawn back in and it all start over again.

I wonder if this pursuit is from actual feelings or covering for something else. She has reached over and held my hand in the middle of the night, and wanted long hugs - I didn't ask for these things and didn't need them (thought they do make me momentarily feel better). I have a hard time believing that what I said the other day made a quick change or any change in her. I believe I am detached in a way that I can look at this behavior and question it to myself. But I am questioning it out loud here. (is it helping her or is she doing it for me?)

I have read about the pursuer.... cycle (but cannot find anything on that now). When I read it before, it described what I think is happening with me. I tend to rush back and ruin progress.

Anyone know about how an A dies on its own - cold turkey end vs. slowly fizzling out to nothing? and signs of either?

[Shakspr]

I think a separation (just living separately) as opposed to a legal separation may be effective for both of us (unless we see that there is too much conflict).

I agree that it may be effective, but why would/could there be more conflict? If anything, it would juxtapose the two lifestyles quite well. And point out how hard co-parenting and child exchange (even with older children) REALLY is!