Dealing with WAW part 5

[igit]

These waw are surprised by how much a good man who wants his family back will go through for them. Once they feel that slipping away there will be some 2nd guessing. Just need to be strong. Just curious Pilot how her parents are taking this and what kind of R you have with them. Is she an only child.

[LisaB]

Hi pilot, I wish I could offer some comforting words but it does sound like your W is hiding something. As you said, it could be anything. Another man's undies or just the expensive TV she bought with your money. Don't worry too much about it in any case.

You did great with the kids. She is being selfish.

I think the advice you have gotten above from 25 is something to think about. Maybe it is time to refocus for a minute. I am with you on being frustrated, lonely, angry etc etc. But it is true that if you want your wife back you (we) should probably stop thinking about ourselves and think about the consistent changes we want to make to and for ourselves and display those to the WAS.

If we focus on being the best we can be, maybe the other stuff will work itself out...?

Hang in there my friend!
Hugs,
Lisa

[pilot]

igit, who knows why my W does what she does. maybe you are right. I never got the sense she was uncomfortable in public with me as we have had many occasions where we were out together. The part about feeling she does not deserve me...I can see it. It feels kind of egotistical for me to think that, but I can definitely see that angle having some merit. She has in the past spoken along the lines she did not feel like my 'equal' but I do not know if that was 'fog' talk.

[pilot]

igit, she is an only chid. Her parents are really unhappy that she is not making any efforts to work on the M. They have always liked me and I have a great relationship with them, as well as her extended family. That being said, they are her parents, and I know they will support her and whatever she ends up doing.

[pilot]

Lisa, I know I will never know the real reason WHY she has resisted me being in her place. It was very neat and tidy when I did go in, so I know it was not that. She has always been a neat person.

I have not had my coaching session yet, but I am sure it will be something I will discuss and figure out the best course of action.

thanks

[igit]

Pilot, your DB coach will give you some insight and approaches you may have never thought of. Mine definitely gave me some good questions to ask her during conversations I have had with W. I thought at the time they had some impact. then I backslide and it seams take steps backward. Not sure who your DB coach is but mine has become a great friend to talk with during this crisis. She understands the impact of Affair and whats going on in WAW mind. She suggested great books to read! That being said I hope things change in your R with W. I know where I fell short in R with her and know are R will never be the same again. That's great you have a good relationship with her folks. Her wanting this time alone may work to your advantage with there feelings for you. Hang in there buddy live for today because tomorrow isn't promised.

[25yearsmlc]

Pilot,

i was a bit confused about the logistics of the evening with the boys and why the arrangements were so convoluted (to me anyhow). But here's the deal. You do NOT know why she was so hesitant for you to go inside but I'd rule out any OM issue b/c there's no way she'd risk your sons saying something. And they would say something if some new guy was living or visiting often, etc. There's no way she'd risk that being blurted out and kids DO blurt things out like that.

Though I think this is a pointless exercise b/c who really cares why she didn't want you in her place? IT was moderately rude and a bit weird, but so what?

Back to YOU and YOUR LIFE....okay?

As you model making your sons THE priority of your life, and as you show yourself being the best father you can be regardless of what she is doing/thinking/feeling/planning/saying,

it'll be a good thing. Your sons will benefit obviously.

There's a lot to teach her by your own behavior, which is that YOU have changed (and perhaps that SHE can too...) Make sense?

But drop this now. First, It's not an event you may ever understand. How much time do you want to spend trying to decipher her behavior last night, now?

She knows the boys were not happy and she knows she played a role in that. Let it sink in. If you say much, she'll feel attacked and any introspection she might have engaged in, will be lost.

My h had some goofy events and made some horrendous comments in those years some of which I recall quite vividly. But there are at least a few he literally does not even recall now, and I think he's being honest. (I mean, I really believe he does not remember some of the crappy things he did or said.)

In truth, the weirdest things he did, which he does not recall, were pretty out of character so maybe its harder for them to recall it - or they had their own reasoning going on so fast, and the "awkward discomfort" HAD to be avoided....so much so they don't even know the extent to which they went, to avoid it.

Weird and annoying, yes. OR as you said, "Disappointing". And even if you reconcile, our spouses do and will disappoint us again. AS we will disappoint them too. I would just chalk this up to one of those times and discuss it with your coach and perhaps more importantly, how to handle those moments in the future.

My coach was a Godsend. One small but pivotal example of how she helped me turn around a VERY disappointing moment is this.

Right after h left for yet another credential, one which I strongly opposed and felt would end our m, and which was 300 miles away, h "forgot" to pay the bills. Mind you, he had religiously paid all our bills for 25 years and it was a monthly ordeal for him. He'd grimace and whine and I'd offer to help or do it instead but it was a control issue for him. So I pretty much let him do it all even though it seemed UNfun for him.

Suddenly he was off by himself and NOT interested in paying the utilities. Sure would have been nice if he'd told me but that would have been "so awkward" I guess he felt it would be easier on HIM if I just found out the hard way.

Which I did. We were evacuating b/c of local wild fires and h was gone, so I was loading our car and packing for our d's and feeling pretty vulnerable. I really REALLY wished he was there to help and maybe encourage us b/c the fires were terrifying.

THEN the power company came to see me and said they were cutting off our electricity for non payment....NICE TOUCH...I paid the bill and was FURIOUS at h for being so thoughtless.

the next day I had a DB coach session and knew h would call later that day. I was fuming, locked and loaded for THE conversation I was going to have with him about how selfish and neglectful ETC....

But my DB coach talked about the bill paying h had been doing all those years....and I decided to take her approach.

When H called and I discussed the fires and then the power bill, h first said he hoped it did not hurt HIS credit (I swear he said that & to this day I can't tell if it was a joke since he has no recall)....I bit my tongue.

Anyhow he probably expected me to blast him, which I had planned to do before the DB coach session.

At one point I said "well, if you are not going to be paying the utilities anymore, I just need to know which account to use, and I'll pay them, since you aren't..."

He got defensive and raised his voice to say "Now YOU know what it's like to be paying the bills, like I have for the past 25 years!"

I paused to recall the coach's advice and then I said, "Yes I realize that, and I want to THANK YOU for doing it, b/c it IS stressful to deal with this every month."

LONG PAUSE on h's end....(seemed like 10 minutes but was probably 10 seconds).
He said "well you're welcome" in a soft voice, and I knew then that an expected blow out, had turned into something else.

A new way of interacting... Pilot though I can tell YOU -- that I still think he was "wrong" to handle it so poorly, I also realized something else.

First, he probably just forgot to pay it and was embarrassed, b/c there were a lot of emotions flying around at the time, as he prepared to leave us for a fellowship he never needed to do and to move out and at some level he knew he was risking the relationships with all of us, and for what? So who knows WHY he failed to pay the bill...?

None of that changes the reality that in fact he HAD been unfairly burdened and stressed all those years, he had never missed a payment, and I had never thanked him. My thanking him THEN, really seemed to strike a chord in him, in a good way.

I don't know why I had never thanked him before, except to say I took it for granted, since he "wanted" to pay the bills and was "so controlling" it must therefore not count as something positive he was doing. But it should have.
I tended to negate or overlook it and I can't say for sure why I did that, but it doesn't reflect well on me.


I'm Not sure if that ^^ event sheds any light on anything for you. But I thought I'd pass on how following the advice of a DB coach that went against almost every urge I had, made a difference in how I acted, how h and I interacted, and it was such a dramatic shift for me, I noted that and began to incorporate more of those small comments or gestures of appreciation in the oddest moments. Sure caught h off guard.

And it reminded me that h really did have his own points of view, not all of which were off base or nuts.


So, back to YOU. How are your GAL activities going?

[pilot]

Pilot,

i was a bit confused about the logistics of the evening with the boys and why the arrangements were so convoluted (to me anyhow). But here's the deal. You do NOT know why she was so hesitant for you to go inside but I'd rule out any OM issue b/c there's no way she'd risk your sons saying something. And they would say something if some new guy was living or visiting often, etc. There's no way she'd risk that being blurted out and kids DO blurt things out like that.

Yea, it is pointless to dwell on it. I guess the main reason I did was was because it was the 3rd time since she has moved down (a couple of weeks) where she has gone out of her way to avoid a situation where I would have an opportunity to see the inside of her place. Ultimately whatever the reason nothing changes. There could be as many 'positive' reasons for her actions as negative. All I know is she did not want me to see something in there. So...moving on

She knows the boys were not happy and she knows she played a role in that. Let it sink in. If you say much, she'll feel attacked and any introspection she might have engaged in, will be lost.

I wont, and had not planned on saying anything to her about it.

My h had some goofy events and made some horrendous comments in those years some of which I recall quite vividly. But there are at least a few he literally does not even recall now, and I think he's being honest. (I mean, I really believe he does not remember some of the crappy things he did or said.)

thanks for sharing the story. Sometimes I forget that many others here seemingly had it worse off than I have it. Although I really have no idea how bad it is, since there really has never been any communication. Regardless, it does illustrate how things can go from bad to good if conditions are right.

So, back to YOU. How are your GAL activities going?

My GAL activities are going very well. I just got back in from taking the kiddos swimming. I have various social events planned this coming week, and next weekend I am taking the kids out boating. (I give them back to W tomorrow). I generally have no problem finding things to do. I still avoid the bar scene though...not much interest in that.

Thanks for your post!

[SunnyB]

The "errands" thing is hilarious actually. That's when I hit the post office and the drug store, you?

My H goes to Home Depot several times a weekend. Apparently they are frequently out of what he needs.

[25yearsmlc]

The "errands" thing is hilarious actually. That's when I hit the post office and the drug store, you?

My H goes to Home Depot several times a weekend. Apparently they are frequently out of what he needs.

Very Understood.

But then again, as an LBS who sometimes needed to reduce tension in the house, by leaving, I went on long walks (or "Fury marches" / "Ranting runs") and of course had to go to the book store for "that book I need for work..." which they NEVER had.

Escapes are sometimes needed for all....and though we say we want them home (and we really do, usually)

there's a cost to every choice. And an adjustment for all.

At least when they are out of the house, the tension can leave with them. So I guess I mean to say, be careful what you wish for.