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A few days ago Defying Gravity popped into my head and I can't shake it so maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.
"Something has changed within me Something is not the same. I am through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts. Close my eyes and leap.
It's time to try defying gravity And you won't bring me down."
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry it took so long to reply. There are too many similarities and I am so sore you had to go through that. I will take encouragement that you and the kids survives and thrived.
I have been mulling and processing and will come back later to share. Right now s is having a tantrum.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I have been away thinking. Nothing really has changed. I have been allowing myself to remember things that I can't believe I let myself forget. Times from my marriage I was afraid of h.
I have also been working through the book "a gift to myself". It helps you get in touch with inner child and identify ways you are denying her as well as looking at patterns you keep tepeating. I am completely stuck at the chapter determining if your basic needs (touch support freedom to explore etc) were met in the past. I guess I have a lot more work to do than I thought.
H came to me the other night and told me he was gay. That may be but I never saw that one coming. He says that proves he was not having affair with OW. I said that didn't explain the I love yous and sexually explicit texts. It didn't explain why she was upset when she found out the terms of endearment (my goddess, my forever girl) he used were just recycled from me.
It may explain drinking. Does it explains extreme hostility? Is it possible it is just another elaborate lie? I am very confused.
I did start writing my book. The first few sentences are: this story will have a happy ending. I am, not sure what it is yet but this is my life and I will accept nothing less.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
So, he is gay but was married to you for so very long, had a child with you, had an affair with a woman (enough that he was sending explicit texts and using terms of endearment). Umm.... sounds like he is just even more confused and in crisis than you thought!
People don't just become or "turn' gay. It is something they have known all their lives, not a "choice". You may be right that he is just saying it so he can "prove" he didn't cheat, these MLCers are so crazy, who knows. It may just be the latest "persona" he is trying on because he isn't any happier now than before he started his journey, who knows.
So many questions come to mind...does he have a "boyfriend"? Was he experimenting with this while married to you? (That one is scary and if it is the case you will need to have some tests done, sorry). Does he plan on "coming out" to his kids and family?
Smells fishy to me, Julie. The truth will be clear about this one soon enough. Although it would add to the book. You couldn't make this stuff up and have anyone believe it! Hang in there Julie! You are going to be fine and sounds to me like you are better off now without someone as bitter and confused as he is!
JG, clearly your H is confused about many things he has going on inside of him. Not saying he is or isn't gay. Just the fact that this came up suddenly is a sign there is a lot going on inside, with the hostility, lies and drinking being symptoms of bigger problems. I don't think trying to make sense of it is going to get you where you want to be, though.
I know this, because I do the same thing even now. I want to analyze everything in my current H MLC crazy stuff. I find that asking the questions out loud or writing them here, isn't necessarily to always have "an answer", but it's my way of sorting it out in the process. Perhaps that's yours too? As long as we don't panic without having the answer, and we're able to move forward, it think it's ok.
I'm no expert on MLC. I'm a flailing mess trying to get detached....much harder than it was for me with my xh. But I have been treated the same way you are, and I see so much of myself in what you're dealing with. I hurt for you.
As I've shared, my xh was that guy. It's scary the similarities. The gas lighting, meanness, covert abuse....While he never came out and told me he was gay, he did say some other similar things that showed me he was all over the place. My xh was not an MLCer, at least not when I was there. Who knows, he could have gone through one after we left. He did have major childhood issues to work through. We moved out of state, and 6 years later, he is a different person. Since I wasn't there, I can't say what he did to change. But I can tell from his new speech patterns and the caution he takes before responding to me or the kids, he has done lots of work. He's not awesome....lol, but hugely better.
It took us completely getting out and removing ourselves from his life for him to see his stuff. But him seeing his stuff was NOT our reason for moving. Him seeing his stuff was a side effect of us getting a better life for ourselves, regardless of him.
Whether you stay where you are, or not, is COMPLETELY up to you. Only you know what is best. JG, please take care of yourself. Your H type of behavior slowly chips away at your sense of worth. It made me think I was losing my mind. I questioned EVERY decision I ever made, and decided I wasn't capable of making good ones anymore....yeah, still struggling off and on with that, but it's a process.
I'm not trying to advise you on what to do. I just hope my example can show you that no matter what we do, they won't change until they have to or want to. When the pain of being where they are is greater than the pain of changing. Xh did what worked for him for so long, 16 years. And suddenly it didn't. And then he changed. I know not all of them do.
Either way, I'm following you and sending hugs. I can feel your pain. I really can. Hang in there, JG. We're here for you.
So the good news today is my dog is ok. A few months back one of h new 20 years his junior friends pet sat the dogs. She is a vet student. She saw lump on my dogs side and diagnosed lung cancer. She told h that my dog should be put down and tbat he needed to talk to me because I was letting dog suffer. Well he has been "talking" to me about it for months and I am sure you can imagine what that sounded like.
Lately he has been saying he is just going to take dog and put him down since I won't. My dog is eating fine. He still enjoys walks and cuddling with me. I took him to vet today and she agreed he has a lot of life left. The growth is a benign fatty tumor. She wanted the name of the vet student who would diagnose lung cancer on the OUTSIDE of his body not even over the lung.
Crazy man still believes the vet student over a professional who has been practicing for 30 years. He has to. He can't go back on everything he has been saying about me being a horrible person.
In the end all that matters is my baby dog (13 year old baby) is ok!!
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I do realize that the whole thing with the dog is part of the emotional abuse. Shining you are right. I have been living with this for so long I am doubting my own judgements.
A few months ago I really wanted to stand for h because I believed he was sick and someone needed to believe in, him.
Now I realize that can't be me. I am looking back at our marriage and seeing all the ways he put me down. And I gave it back because I have a sharp tongue and am stubborn. But there were things he said that I came to believe. Th er e were times his drinking was bad and I slept with a knife next to me. But he always apologize and convince me he loved me aND needed me and things would be ok even good for a few months or even years. He never hurt me but he would tower over me in a very treating way and make veiled threats that he could always say I just took the wrong way.
I talked to L about leaving state and going close to my family. She said that would be difficult since h wants to be with s. I need to explore options for renting an apartment with my lousy credit. We completely focused on fixing h credit and paying off his debt. Mine slipped further and further down and we always said we would take care of it in the future. Very stupid plan.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Sending you a hug. I'm glad the dog is okay. Please protect yourself.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I do realize that the whole thing with the dog is part of the emotional abuse. Shining you are right. I have been living with this for so long I am doubting my own judgements.
A few months ago I really wanted to stand for h because I believed he was sick and someone needed to believe in, him.
Now I realize that can't be me. I am looking back at our marriage and seeing all the ways he put me down. And I gave it back because I have a sharp tongue and am stubborn. But there were things he said that I came to believe. Th er e were times his drinking was bad and I slept with a knife next to me. But he always apologize and convince me he loved me aND needed me and things would be ok even good for a few months or even years. He never hurt me but he would tower over me in a very treating way and make veiled threats that he could always say I just took the wrong way.
I talked to L about leaving state and going close to my family. She said that would be difficult since h wants to be with s. I need to explore options for renting an apartment with my lousy credit. We completely focused on fixing h credit and paying off his debt. Mine slipped further and further down and we always said we would take care of it in the future. Very stupid plan.
This was pretty much my life. Expect h would not do what needed to be done for pets. He just thought if he got it wrong he would nevertheless hear the end of it as w1 never let him forget one dog he did pts.
Her side was he shot the dog over her head and his sons head it was dangerous not she disagreed with him doing it. So they were almost in the line of fire.
His version she felt he should never have done it, and she would never let it go.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Nope, JG...you're not stupid. He is your H.. You are SUPPOSED to be able to trust your spouse. This is HIS failure, not yours.
The "towering"...man, that word... I haven't thought that term in a long time. It's abuse. It's intimidation. Don't let anyone try and tell you otherwise. It just doesn't "count" in the law for physical abuse cases....such a gray area. Sadly, the damage can be even greater and leave more traumatizing scars when one is never even "hit."
Now that you know better, you can do better. You can't know what you don't know.
I'm not one to give up on anything.... To a fault, at times. I would never tell you to leave because only YOU know what's right for you. I just hope you are 1. Protected. 2. Aware it's not you. 3. Owning only what is yours. 4. Able to identify what you can, and can not change.
Regarding moving out of state... I did it. Difficult is not impossible. I had to make a plan. I had to present that plan to my xh at the right time, and show him how it would benefit HIM.... Even tho, it was in an effort to benefit US. And it did. .
I couldn't say what will happen for you, but please know, nothing is impossible....
.