Igit newbie needs help part 3

[MrBond]

Hi igit. I saw your request for help, so here I am.

First of all, is she still seeing the OM? Right now you need to take a harder stance with her. Act as if she was a neighbor rather than a friend. I know this is incredibly hard for you right now. Stick to your guns and start being the MAN.

[igit]

Pilot, w is following me around like a lost dog. I am not really in a mood to deal with her rt now. I am looking for your input. Whether she realizes it or not she has put me in a place where she has her L ask for all this L stuff a good L will do for there client. We have been getting along well for last month as far as roommates are concerned. I feel like a whipped dog but have stepped up big time for kids and her w new job. After my L meeting yesterday I hAve changed my strategy. I was friendly yesterday and last night but did let her know about lawsuit she filed.today I have been distant. She has called me wanting to talk, I got home she wants to talk, she takes D12 to vball.and calls and wants to talk. I answered her 3rd call, she asked me what I am doing, I told her going to my office to deal with D paperwork. She asked if we could talk, I said not now, I wasn't in the mood and didn't want to get angry. She said she wants to talk. I honestly don't know what good will come from a talk rt now. I want her to feel the impact of what she has done. It's hard to go dark with kids but I need to stay as distant as I can for now. In reality she will not hear or get anything from my response for 2weeks. I don't want her to get impression that I am angry, but as far as helping her with any of her responsibilities I am going to ask for a schedule w kids I will drop them off in am as I have committed to, however I am not going to pick them up for her, I am needing to treat this like I am already D. Any thoughts on this. She knows how I feel about a D and knows the effort I have put in. But it takes 2 to tango and frankly she doesn't want to dance. I don't want to talk at this point I just don't see any good coming from it. Yesterday when I mentioned the items listed in summons she wanted to talk about. I told her you and only you can stop this and left room. I will talk to her about anything and be pleasant. I just don't think talk about th I s is rt move until after I respond to summons

[igit]

Mr Bond, I believe she is! 4-5 weeks ago I saw her car in his garage, she has a full time teaching job but is very sneaky. I was served a summons for a D a few weeks ago. I am responding with my L next week. I have been very nice to her and helping with getting kids to school. since she leaves at 6am for her teaching job. She filed for D in late July, got a job 2 weeks after the filing. < I didn't know of filing, summons was a surprise> so she gets a job , asked me if I could commit to getting 3 kids to school in mornings, and then serves me late August. She now wants to talk, it seams she is quite nervous the last few days , < I needed to get copies of tax returns and didn't know where she had them> So I asked her to get them for me since I needed for my L. I have not been angry , just not really in the mood to discuss anything. Any ideas?

[igit]

HI MR BOND, MAKING SURE THIS got back to you.. To answer your question I am not certain she is still seeing other m, however she has become so sneaky I believe she still is. I saw her car in his garage 5-6 weeks ago. I have to drive by his home almost everyday because of a detour. Anyway saw garage shut and looked like her car in garage. I texted her and told her they should get some blinds for garage. Anyway I was served D papers a few weeks ago. I will back up a minute and tell you she got a teaching job mid August, She filed late July <not known to me until I was served papers August 15th> Prior to her accepting job she asked if I could commit to getting 3 young kids to school. Of Course I agreed thinking this is what she needed to get her life on track. then served 2 weeks later. met with my L yesterday and needed to get Tax returns. I asked Where they were last night. told her reason why and asked if she could put them out for me this am before she left for work. She didn't do that, so I asked her again tonight after work. she asked if we could talk and I told her no I wasn't in the mood to talk with her. she said she would get for me tonite when she got back from vball with kids. Anyway looking for your advise on how to deal with this.
thank you MR BOND

[pilot]

Pilot, w is following me around like a lost dog. I am not really in a mood to deal with her rt now. I am looking for your input. Whether she realizes it or not she has put me in a place where she has her L ask for all this L stuff a good L will do for there client. We have been getting along well for last month as far as roommates are concerned. I feel like a whipped dog but have stepped up big time for kids and her w new job. After my L meeting yesterday I hAve changed my strategy. I was friendly yesterday and last night but did let her know about lawsuit she filed.today I have been distant. She has called me wanting to talk, I got home she wants to talk, she takes D12 to vball.and calls and wants to talk. I answered her 3rd call, she asked me what I am doing, I told her going to my office to deal with D paperwork. She asked if we could talk, I said not now, I wasn't in the mood and didn't want to get angry. She said she wants to talk. I honestly don't know what good will come from a talk rt now. I want her to feel the impact of what she has done. It's hard to go dark with kids but I need to stay as distant as I can for now. In reality she will not hear or get anything from my response for 2weeks. I don't want her to get impression that I am angry, but as far as helping her with any of her responsibilities I am going to ask for a schedule w kids I will drop them off in am as I have committed to, however I am not going to pick them up for her, I am needing to treat this like I am already D. Any thoughts on this. She knows how I feel about a D and knows the effort I have put in. But it takes 2 to tango and frankly she doesn't want to dance. I don't want to talk at this point I just don't see any good coming from it. Yesterday when I mentioned the items listed in summons she wanted to talk about. I told her you and only you can stop this and left room. I will talk to her about anything and be pleasant. I just don't think talk about th I s is rt move until after I respond to summons

igit, I am with you on this one. Your W following you around like a puppy could mean many things, so try not to figure it out. She could be feeling guilty about hurting you, she could be feeling guilty about doing this, she could just be testing the waters to see how you will react in your filing. From what you have said about your W, I think she is much like mine in that she really does not understand that a D is a lawsuit, and an adversarial one at that. She probably thinks you file D and then things are all hunky dory. When in reality it takes 2 people (especially when L are involved and forces them to duke it out when it is a contested divorce)

I applaud you for ducking your Ws request to talk. She is probably getting nervous/questioning herself as to why you will not answer. Your reply is a big unknown to her and she wants to know.

As for picking up your kids after school if she cannot, be careful. Remember, they are kids. They do not need to be pawns in this adult business. They need to always be taken care of. Now, having said that, I am in the same shoes where once my wife starts working, she will not be able to pick up my oldest as he gets out of school at 3 and the assumption is she will be working a 9-5 job. She will want me to pay for an aftercare, and I will refuse. I already pay an aftercare for S3. I will offer to pick up S5, but I will be very clear that IF I pick him up, he will come home with me. I will not waste 2-3 hours a day hanging around her town (an hour from me) waiting for her to get off work. Or she can pay for aftercare herself. I am tired of insulating her from the harsh realities of the world. And you should not do that for your W either. IF your W wants to be out in the world on her own, let the world have its way with her. If she makes it, good for her. If not, well, maybe she will appreciate what you had done for her in the past.

[igit]

Thanks Pilot, your rt about the kids. The problem is I have a business to run, I am happy to get kids after school but she will wait till 230 and ask if I can get kids at 3 330. I have been super dad because I know they are having some missing mommy feelings and I want to take care of them. But w seems to be raking advantage of me. So Far As TALK ING About Lawsuit I am going to stay away from that one and start acting like I'm D. My time is going to be my time. I came home tonite and she was in my room with boys laying on my bed. I went into my D12 s room and hung out with her for a while. I am sure W is nervous about things. She should be , she has always been controlling do to her insecurities, in her mind I believe she thinks all will be honky dorey. I got news for her, it won't be. Tomorrow is anniversery, I know I am jumping around but she called me tonite while I was at office working on my D stuff. Wanting to know what I was doing and when I was coming home, she had told me earlier in day she was going out w her girlfriend tomorrow night. Our 17yr.anniversary. well when she called she asked me what I was doing and I told her I was going to do something fun with kids since she had plans. Well then she said well I am not going out, I told you maybe I was going out. I really don't care what she does. I know she was testing me to see if I wanted to go out and tr alk. That will be something she suggest tomorrow let's go out for dinner. Not going to get ducked into that one

[igit]

Pilot,took off early this morning to work and go to some meetings. I have this card for 17yr anniversary I was going to give W that has a picture of kids. was going to write I will always remember this day 17yrs ago and what it brought us. and leave it at that! No I love you's no I miss you's. any thoughts on that one! Not sure its pursing! I know I wont be getting any cards!

[bdub]

igit, my BD was 4 days before our 15th anniversary. I feel the pain you are experiencing. I switched gifts and went with a card basically thanking her for 15 years of marriage and 2 wonderful children. I did write that I loved her and that I was sorry I was not able to communicate that to her more effectively. That was prior to reading DR and DB and being on this board. I got nothing and that stung. However, now I know I should have had 0 expectations.

[igit]

Bdub, don't feel bad about card. We are only human, at the time your emotions were extremely high and I can understand why you did the card. There was nothing wrong with what u did. I mean 5 days before annv.you were still in shock and disbelief. I have a pic.of our xmas card with kids on it. Going to drop giving cars and just using picture. She is ac ting very weird last few days, trying to reach out to me. I am not getting involved with her period until other m is out of picture.

[pilot]

Do you plan on ignoring all of her advances? Or at some point will you hear what she has to say? Not judging, just asking...