Having a baby every two years is extremely hard on the female body. I once read a doctor's article that said it actually takes a woman's body two years to completely recover from childbirth. And if there were hormone issues........oh well. Just as she is getting one through weening and potty training, it is time for the next one. No wonder she was upset when she learned she was pregnant again. A lot of W's would not have continued to have sex with a H who shrugged off her feelings of not wanting to go through any more pregnancies. So how was your sex life afterwards?
You talk about your resentment, but it sounds as if it may be your ego in pain. You are mad that she chose another man over you. You were mad before OM. What about her resentment and how you were using her body to produce you more children and dictating how you wanted her to breast feed, etc. You knew you would not be there to help her throughout most of the trying times. To women, this looks like control.you wanted to tell her what she would do with her body. You wanted to control what the kids did even though you were not there to endure the long day. Somehow, I have to think if you had kept those little one as much as she did........you would have relented and allowed them to watch TV.....or anything to keep them still for a few minutes while you were having to do some other work.
You are anger now b/c she is doing something you cannot control. Most newcomers talk about their hurt and devastation, but you have a completely different tone to your post.
I know you can't undo the past, but you really need to try and put yourself in her shoes. I always heard it said that if men and women could both have babies, no family would have more than three children. B/c she would have the first one, he would have the second, she would have the third......but he would NEVER go through childbirth the second time.
My grandmother had twelve babies, and grandpa was a proud peacock (as if he had done something great). He couldn't wait for her to heal over having the baby until he was trying to get her pregnant again. Yet he never did one thing to help her b/c he saw that as "women's work". I suppose it was against his religion also, b/c if she begged him to let her rest, he made her kneel and get her heart right with God. She was not allowed to sleep until she submitted to his manly needs. I hope you are not anything like he was, and the reason I told this to hopefully have you see how a woman's love could turn cold to a man who gave her such little consideration.
I don't see how you can forgive her with resentment in your heart. And until you can take a long, hard look at yourself, I don't think you will work on self improvements. If you think you can, maybe you will make out a list of things to change.
Right now, I think you will need to stop making some half excuses by saying she could have done this or that (in other words, gone against what you told her) and saying she should have talked to you. You will not save your M unless you change yourself, first.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with what you said 100%. I did not do it with malice in my heart, but I see how I gave my W many reasons to resent me. I have a lot of regret about it. I can't believe I did not see it and that it had to be pointed out to me. What a jack--s I have been. If you read my reply to raliced you will see that I am starting to get it. She said things along the same lines as you, albeit not quite as pointedly. I have started to look at myself and the role I played. I acknowledge that I put myself and my children before my W and i ended up damaging everyone.
I am not entirely clear what you mean when you say I was angry before OM? I held onto my convictions dearly and this was my own mistake and stubbornness, but I didn't realize that I am an angry person. Perhaps I am but I just could not see it.
I am really trying to understand how I did what I did. I think I have an idea,but I need to digress for a moment. My father, of blessed memory, was kind and gentle and would never raise his voice, but also never disciplined us. I always felt like I could have achieved more if only my parents had been stricter with me. I blamed my parents even though it was my own failing and insecurity. I also wasted a lot of time watching TV. I mistakenly thought that if I was stricter and eliminated TV from the equation that I would raise children that are better than me. None of this is an excuse for my behavior, but I think it was my low self esteem, coupled with arrogance that I knew what is right. I think the arrogance was just another manifestation of low self esteem.
I will make a list of things to change, but I may need some help and further insight to to complete it. I have to go be with my children, but will produce a list the next time I have a free moment.
Our sex life was fine. We struggled early on getting in sync but the last few years were really good. I don't think I forced sex on her - I hope I didn't - but nothing seems certain to me anymore.
Sandi, thanks for telling it to me like it is. I needed to hear it.
I want to make only a suggestion, as you try to evaluate your reasons behind some of the strictness in your household. I certainly do not know this about you, but over my lifetime I have seen this happen in some newly dedicated Christian men. I can understand how the lines get a little blurred with being head of the home, controlling your children, and being taught your W should submit to you. Sometimes (depending on how it is presented through teaching), zealous Christian men can get a few things out of balance. So my thought is maybe that was your case, but IDK. Only you could know about that, and I am not trying to help you find an excuse, it is just what I wondered when reading your thread.
We have all made mistakes with our kids and in our MR. How I wish I could go back in time to do things differently! You are young enough you can still start over with yourself. Of course, you hope it will make a difference in her feelings toward you, but there are no guarantees. If you will earnestly work to make lifelong behavior changes so that you will be a better man, I believe your other relationships will be blessed.
If you don't want the kids sitting like zombies in front of the TV, then give them so many shows they can watch during the day. Your job as the leader is to protect, provide, teach/educate, and show them how to work through problem and how to live. Some of those life lessons will come by demonstrating it yourself.
I know you didn't bring this up, but in keeping with the main subject of this post, remember the scripture about wives submitting themselves to their husbands? First, the commandment is to her, and not you. It is up to her, and not your job to make her do what you want. Men who think they have to emotionally whip the W into submission is really off track with that one. Then, secondly, that scripture simply means she is to respect him. Which, can be a tall order if he makes it difficult for her to admire him as a man/husband.
So, you really have a huge responsibility on your shoulders, don't you? You have to be the man a woman could "honor" as her H. I think that would fall under the heading of "Be a man any woman would be a fool to leave".
Okay, so there is your Sunday devotional.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It has been a hellish month for me. I was on service over the holidays and I was caring for very sick patients. It was very emotionally and physically draining. It's even more stressful when you don't have anyone to vent to anymore and have to come home with PMA every day. In the midst of this, My W developed diabetes. She told the whole world about it and the whole community is rallying around her. I, too, tried to be sympathetic and reassure her. She was appreciative. However, at one point she was asking me for advice while texting with OM. Then she gave my step-MIL my credit card number and they bought and installed a 48-inch TV over my fireplace mantle.
I do not feel like I should be treated this way: She really is having her emotional needs met by the OM/step-MIL and she is having her financial/medical needs met by me. She wants to spend as usual on tuition, summer camp, housekeeper, up-coming bar-mitzvah, therapists, new medical supplies, attorneys, and proceed with mediation. We were barely making ends meet before the A. I think it is financially impossible to do all this. Aside from her non-profitable home business, she is not working and is, as far as I can tell, completely free from 9 AM to 1 PM every weekday. I finally went to LRT and issued her an ultimatum. OM or Me. If it is me, then we move to a new town, she recommits, and she gets real help. If it is OM, then she tells me so, and finds a way to pay for mediation. I literally cannot afford to proceed - even with my doctor's salary. But I also am struggling here in purgatory. Naturally, she remains silent and has no incentive to choose at this point.
I feel like I am failing on all fronts. I am having a rough time detaching. GAL has been very difficult. We are not on speaking terms at all.
I do want to address some of your thoughts from a previous thread.
Quote:
I can understand how the lines get a little blurred with being head of the home, controlling your children, and being taught your W should submit to you.
For the record, I was never taught explicitly or implicitly that a W is supposed to submit to her H. I never felt that I "have to emotionally whip the W into submission". If I was chauvinist in any way, it did not stem from my religious world view.
I am not looking so much for advice as much as just some support. Nothing has really changed in my sitch, but I feel pretty bad this morning in particular. Perhaps it is because nothing is changing in my sitch. I am still in purgatory.
I have not detached. I am having a hard time ignoring my W's behavior. Every time she gets a text or goes out, I am thrown into a maelstrom of uncontrollable panic. Was it the OM? Is she with him? The PTSD hypervigilance is maddening. I recognize that I cannot control my W, her behavior, or the situation. I am just having trouble shaking off my old illusion that I was in control. I want to stop trying to control everything. I really do, I am just struggling with implementing it because my W and I are in the same household and sleeping in adjacent beds.
Although I live in a no-fault state, my sister advised hiring an investigator in case I need proof of infidelity during the mediation process. I found out this morning that OM was in my house this past weekend as I was out of town with the kids. I know this doesn't change anything because I knew it was going on all along, but I am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that her behavior precludes our ever being together again.
RAI, give yourself a break. It is really hard to detach if you're still living in the same household. If you're in the dissolution process, then your living situation is likely to change soon, and though you may not welcome the change, it is likely to give you more space to detach, which will help. Do you have to sleep in adjacent beds? Do you have to meet all of her needs? Can you perhaps set some boundaries for yourself and take the focus off of her a bit? I'm sorry you're struggling. It will get better.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thanks for the quick reply. I am ready for the change. I really think it will be easier to let go when I do not have to see W so frequently. I just don't see it happening soon.
Things are really stalled. As I mentioned in a previous post, she is having all her needs met right now: OM is meeting he emotional needs, and I am meeting her financial needs. She is in no hurry to move things along.
So now I have to take charge and set up the mediation. I really did not want to be responsible for this process. I will have to pay for it as well.
Quote:
Do you have to sleep in adjacent beds? Do you have to meet all of her needs? Can you perhaps set some boundaries for yourself and take the focus off of her a bit?
What the alternative to sleeping in adjacent beds? Which of her needs can I relinquish? What boundaries can I set? I have read some of the threads about setting boundaries, but I still am clueless about which to set and how to set them.
Quote:
I'm sorry you're struggling. It will get better.
Thanks. Although I am having a rough day, I feel like I am handling things better than I have in the past. Whereas in the past, I would have been an emotional wreck for the whole day upon hearing about yet another of her indiscretions, I did still manage to get some work done today. I know things will get better. I just need to strengthen myself to move things along. I know it is in the direction of D, but I do not see much to salvage at this point.
Do you have a guest bedroom where you could sleep? A basement room? A sofa? You taking the initiative to sleep elsewhere will be setting a kind of boundary: You're not willing to continue to pretend that everything is okay when she is likely stepping out on you. If you are meeting her emotional needs, now is the time to draw back. This will be much easier when you're not under the same roof.
For example, my H wanted me to come to the door when dropping off D14 at his place so that she could see us "chat in a friendly way." I thought that was a farce, but instead of saying so outright (and instead of telling him that I wasn't interested in being friends while he has a girlfriend on the side, which he admitted to our daughter), I told him I needed some space -- the same line he had given me previously at BD. I no longer went out to dinner with him and pretended to all be a happy family. That was not to anyone's benefit except his. It just confused my daughter, and these invitations were all about meeting his needs -- his need to seem like a good guy, his need to ask me for favors, his need for my attention.
So ask yourself: what is your wife asking of you that is entirely for her benefit? There is where you can pull back and set boundaries. Don't be afraid. You can do it.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Do you have a guest bedroom where you could sleep? A basement room? A sofa? You taking the initiative to sleep elsewhere will be setting a kind of boundary: You're not willing to continue to pretend that everything is okay when she is likely stepping out on you. If you are meeting her emotional needs, now is the time to draw back. This will be much easier when you're not under the same roof.
Ahoy, thanks so much for your suggestion. The problem is that I am pretending everything is OK because I don't want the kids to be upset and I don't want to be the cause of further strife in the home. I don't want the kids to blame me for the breakup of our family. And my moving out of the bedroom will be a visible concrete step in that direction. They don't know about the infidelity, but they see the breakdown in our relationship. Moving to another room will make me look like the instigator. I would not even know what to tell them if I did.
I know that by not setting boundaries I am probably not respecting myself.
