I drive my kids to school every morning, ever other week. The commute is about an hour each way. so I spend 4 hours a day in the car. I would do it every day of every week if it meant I got them full time.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
My GAL activity of coaching my daughter's U8 soccer team is coming along nicely. I now know the names of all the positions, and I have the girls running the right direction towards the goal (although they do so all clustered together in a tight group). I am doing this for the stated purpose of GAL, and to be more involved with my daughters activities, but I'm not going to lie, I do think it would be a good opportunity for H to see me in a positive light if he comes to any of the games. I will also sign up to be her Peewee basketball coach (bonus - I've actually played basketball so I will know what I'm doing with that one).
My H has never said anything, but I think he does have some issues with my laid back parenting style and he probably has a point with that. So I am putting some more structure around the girls lives by putting up some chore charts. I've also been researching meals that we can make together so that they can help me make dinner most nights.
Tackling one area of the house at a time, trying to declutter and make it a more serene, welcoming place.
I signed up for some DB coaching, because while I get the idea of GAL, 180s, detaching and LRT, I feel like the communications I have with H are way too adversarial right now, and I need some help with that.
Bad news- Was looking to refinance house to lower the payment and the appraisal came in too low. Bummer.
Had my first DB coaching session today. My coach agreed that H sounds depressed and also a little MLC and said it was a tough situation based on how withdrawn he has become. We also discussed how passive he is. When I read threads about WAS who decided to do the work to reconcile, I confess I have a hard time imaging H being that active under the best of circumstances
So, anyway, my first "to do" is to include words of praise when I email him. I can do that!
Saturday is D6's first soccer game. I will be coaching, and if he shows up it will be a good opportunity to show him what a smiling, direct eye-contacting, tall glass of water I am. Even better, I hope to have a blast with my little team running in a tight cluster up and down the field.
We're just guessing right now - I got the book today on my Kindle and will read this weekend. The coach thought it was likely based on my description and regardless it should help lead to friendlier communications which is my short term goal.
H sometimes said I was being critical. Honestly - on a scale of 1-10, I would put myself at a 3 on the criticism range, but he has always been very sensitive to it. I've actually made a concerted effort to be careful not to criticize since I realized this (about 4 years ago) and I started thanking him more at that time, which I guess is not quite the same thing as praising him - so I'm happy to give it a go.
The book is hugely insightful. You can go to the 5LL website and take a test to get an insight now as to your own LLs. The dynamic between people with different LLs (my H and mine are basically opposites - surprise!) is fascinating to me but it is so telling.
Bracing myself. H has another dr. appt today to see if he can go back to regular duties at work (which would also change his schedule). This means he will contact me at some point today. I can't help but notice that a lot of the posters on this site seem to look forward to/ enjoy their contact with their WAS. This is not the case with me right now. I feel tense beforehand and drained afterwards, and I actually look forward to days when I am pretty sure we will have no contact. Hopefully, the advice from DB coach will get communication on a better footing, and will make interactions less weighted and stressful.
Go into these talks "acting as if" it's going to be light, friendly, informative and that is all. How would you behave if that's the kind of talk you'd be having? Do that. Listen more than you talk, validate where necessary and cut it short if you need to. It's just information that needs to be exchanged. Nothing else is necessary, right? You can only control YOU so make sure your words are neutral, your tone friendly and do all you can to be non-reactive to his words and tone. It's so hard but you will never regret handling yourself with the utmost grace.
Also, it's helpful for me to have something to do afterwards so I don't dwell on every single word exchanged for the next 4 hours. I'm not the best at planning that but when I do, I'm so grateful!!!
I hope your h gets good news from the doctor. Heath issues are challenging and we only have one body. Sometimes we take the blessing of good health for granted.
You aren't alone. I relish N/C with my stbxh. He is not someone I would be friends with in his current state. I have this great aversion to lies so we don't converse much. It gets better though and this is who he is now. I hope to change that at some point, however we have the rest of our lives to figure out what that looks like.
Hope you have something fun planned for the weekend.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
After the BD, I think I took LRTing a little too far. We've only had two actual conversations (where I did almost all of the talking and he just said "ok..ok..ok.."). Everything else has been via e-mail or text and I was very brisk and business like. Short term goal is just to get the email communication better - so I will be working to make the tone a friendlier, breezier and more accessible and of course, adding in words of praise whenever possible.
I also spent in front of the mirror this morning practicing a sincere smile for those occasions when he does see me. My boss says I always look snarky when I smile.
