barely holding on - 3

[Ahoy]

Going back to your thoughts about whether to wear your ring... When my H announced he was leaving, I asked what the separation meant -- do we take off our rings, will we be dating other people? He said yes and yes. I waited to take mine off until after he took off his. Then he moved out. My ring has a family diamond (my family) set into a setting I picked out. I didn't want to give it up, as I had received the diamond for my 16th birthday. I also didn't want my possibly doomed/failed relationship to define it, so I decided to rededicate my ring to myself -- my own personal strength and endurance and to my extended family who have supported me all these years. So I had it resized to go on my right hand. It was empowering. Now, even if H does return to the M, I don't plan to ever wear that ring on my left hand. That M is done. A new relationship would have to take its place. If at that time he requests that I wear a ring, then I would need to have a new ring representing a new commitment. The old promises that came with my original ring were broken.

[Old Dog]

It's not really funny how many times I need the same reminder of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. And it's not about attention getting. I need to pick up the DR book again and re-read it. Start over.

Oh thank goodness it isn't just me.

I feel so useless at this sometimes ... actually quite a lot of the time. I wonder how am I ever going to manage especially when I'm alone in the midle of the night - which also includes when we're sleeping in the same bed.

[SunnyB]

Now, even if H does return to the M, I don't plan to ever wear that ring on my left hand. That M is done. A new relationship would have to take its place. If at that time he requests that I wear a ring, then I would need to have a new ring representing a new commitment. The old promises that came with my original ring were broken.

Ahoy, I like that a lot. I haven't worn my rings since DH rolled in at 6:30am the day before a family cruise. He had spent the night with OW, after having previously told me he had ended it. Those vows have been broken and trampled on. I like the idea of a new ring if the day ever comes that I should need one.

[u-turn]

If all works out in the end for us - I can see a new marriage, new vows, new rings as well. If it gets to that.

When she took hers off and put it away, she said she won't wear it again until it's real. It was another hit to me, but I understood - at least she was honest enough with me to not fake that this is a real marriage right now. I look for her putting it back on as a sign that she is ready to work again.

I kept mine on as a sign that I am still fighting for us. I have been frustrated with the fight recently - that is why I thought about giving it back to her.

ahoy & rppfl - thank you for your perspective.

[Eatsma]

Your list of things bouncing around your head is quite similar to the list in my head.

A major difference between your story and mine is that my H thinks our marriage is fine.

[u-turn]

Oh the list goes on:

being a man she would be crazy to leave / but detached. (I don't think she is accepting that one)

If I bounced around the house all happy-like, I think she would think everything is fine. It sometimes feels like I have to remind her that it's still not working.

I'm sure that is not DBing

[Eatsma]

I struggle with that a little bit, too

I did bounce around pleasantly for 2 months and H thought life was great. Then he asked me why I was still seeing a therapist. Then he got mad.

It was mad at himself. It does sound like he's been processing a lot in his brain. He's still trying to make it work, but realizing that it doesn't.

The thing that I'm really, really struggling with right now is something that he said to me and then reiterated about 10 days later.

"I always said that I would die for you, MLP. I would literally throw myself in front of a bullet to save your life. But I won't give up a friend. And that's killing you.

I won't kill myself to save you."

It's like O. Henry's Gift of the Magi.

I'm waiting for this to end, giving him the gift of time...but at what cost? He's slowly realizing that he's picked her--something I realized months ago.

And this just makes me realize that I need to detach more.

Do I do this with or without conversation? I don't know.

Do I or do I not go gentle into that good night.

Puzzling.

[Ahoy]

u-turn, if you give your ring back to her, then you are looking to get a reaction from her. If ultimately you do decide to take it off, do so for yourself, regardless of whether she notices or not. At least, that's how I interpret part of what "detaching" means. But I'm new to this too, so I'm feeling my way in the dark here...

[u-turn]

That's really rotten stuff - I just don't understand these new priorities that they come up with.

Since this started, she has said a lot of things that she claims to not remember.

-I have changed and I don't know if I can be faithful any more

-She says that they will always be friends, they have so much in common, I think you would like him. (they have known each other less than a year).
(yes - I'd like to hang out sometime and shoot the breeze - talk about our families perhaps - yeeeesh!)


I know we shouldn't believe what they say, but it is hard to forget these things too. I wish there was a delete button for some of that stuff (or an unsee or unhear button).

There is such an imbalance of what we are giving and what they are willing to give (if anything)

**you got to me with the do not go gentle into that good night reference**
Thanks MLP

[Eatsma]

It just popped into my brain today. It's how I feel right now. Almost like I'm preparing for battle...I will NOT go gently into that good night.

Does it make you feel any better when you realize that all of the crazy things that she's said are part of the MLC script?

Every now and again I question if this actually is MLC, and then I read people's threads (like here) and I see that I have had EXACTLY the same conversation, almost word for word, and I think...."Hey - I know how THAT conversation went."

Brain bleach would be a wonderful thing to invest in.