Help my wife moved out part 2

[Old Dog]

I think that's what I have been doing. I told myself, and everyone else who would listen, it was all about personal development and any reconciliation would be a bonus, but three months down the line I'm back to square one and I have to start again ... properly.

[Gotan74]

I understand totally, one of my fears is slipping back into any of the negative behavior that lead to this. I do try to better myself as much as time allows. I went back to work, and I enjoy my job. I am also looking after my own health and have lost a ton of weight and added muscle. The woman I want to see the difference has said little about this, other women have noticed and commented on how good I look.
I am also thinking about going back to school to finish my Masters.

I have been doing what I think works and sometimes it seems to be going great, but this weekend has been a rollercoster.

I have also taken up CrossFit, akido, and jujitsu. I enjoy the classes a lot.

So now I have been doing these things but I have also let my W know that she and her opinions matter. I try to get her to finish her sentences instead of going never mind. I also give her space when she says she can't talk about it. She has also been asking if she can help more with the kids which I think is great. She also wanted to use the car today and drive herself which is also good.

I understand how easy it is to fall back into the negative behavior that brought us to this point. I have made he changes and keep working with the kids to keep them in place. A lot of the changes do make my life easier.

I also understand that we have to keep things a little fresh so we don't fall back into these routines. I just try to make my families life better and I think it's working. I also understand this is going to take a long time and I have just started.

[sandi2]

Correct me if I'm wrong, I get the impression you have not put together a precise plan of action. It's more like just taking everything as it comes.

If I am correct, I want to encourage you to start some type of workbook just for your eyes to see. Begin by making columns with headings of Attitude, Habits & Nuisances, Behavior, and Reactions (and any other you want to add). Under each heading, list those things about yourself that you KNOW caused some degree of conflict in your relationships (family, friends, co-workers, etc.).

Keep this list b/c you may need to add things as you give it more thought.
Study the list and see which ones you could eliminate with little effort. Sometimes, all is needed is to just making up your mind to stop doing whatever caused the conflict. No matter how insignificant it may seem to you......you know it doesn't set well with the other person.

The next part may be a little tougher b/c it requires more thought and action. Those are the ones that aren't that easy to fix. However, this becomes your plan of action to improve yourself within your relationships.

As you study each one, ask yourself if this causes some negativity from others. Is it everyone or just certain people? If certain ones, write the names.

Now comes your plan. What to do in each thing you've listed. If it is a bad habit, you have to do more than just say you won't do it again. It's a habit! You have to have steps to break it.

You may want to keep a separate section just for your MR. When it comes to our M, it seems to get deeper b/c we feel our S should just accept us the way we are. We stop putting enough effort in doing things to build their love for us, and we react to their reactions about us. So this results in emotional needs not being met, disrespect, arguments breaking out, silent treatments, resentment, the blame game, on & on. You know what I'm talking about.

Dig deep and search your heart. What can you do to change? Taking one thing at a time on your list, write down your plan. Remember, this is strictly what you can do about yourself.......not her. This is not a plan of action for her.

If you can't come up with very much on your list, then think back to her complaints about you and begin there. Identify the basis for most arguments that seem to come out of nowhere. What are the triggers? If she has resentment toward you, why is that? Do you know what her emotional needs are? If so, what have you done in the past to meet those needs? What is her love language? Do you speak that language to her?

This is pretty sketchy, but hopefully it will get you started, if you are interested. There is more at a later time, if you do this part and want to go further.

[Gotan74]

Thanks Sandi I did what you said and as far as my R with others the negative list was a little short. The list with my W was a little longer and I think the biggest issue we have is with dealing with the kids. Our arguments about the kids differ in she just wants the problem solved and I want to see where the problem starts and then help the kids in correcting it. Her way is to just do it herself and my way is to find out why or why not they have felt with the problem. So l now i've been allowing her to solve the problem and then talk to the kids about how we can stop this. I do have a plan and the first part is ongoing and that is showing the W I am there for her. In conjunction with this is reintegration into the family. This has been a little harder because she has no patience t and it's tough on everyone. It's working because she called me this morning and asked if we could take the kids go-kart racing this weekend. I said we have to check the schedule but I think we can. This is the first thing that she asked to do as a family that was not going to the park, pool or one of the 3 museums we have here.

[sandi2]

So, besides going to your job, you were able to complete this in about five hours? You are either a very amazing man with few faults, or you are being too vague about your part that led to the breakdown in this MR.

and I think the biggest issue we have is with dealing with the kids.

Then it must be a whopper of an issue! What I am seeing on the limited amount of information, is a woman who seems to feel as if she has no relationship with her H apart from his boys. I know you have made special effort to spend more time with her, but something just seems off somewhere. What do you do to make her feel special, when you are alone with her? Do you talk to her about other things that doesn't include the kids and sports?

I know some women who are SAHM of several children who get use to giving out "instructions" and beingnthe overseer all day. When the H comes in from work, it's easy to forget to change her hat. Of course, he doesn't want her telling him what to do, as if he was one of the kids. It's habit. When considering how you have the boys most of the time, and also the coaching teams, do you find yourself "coaching" your W? Maybe not intentionally, but you corrall a bunch everyday and it would be easy to develop that habit. That, and your desire to take as much stress off your W as possible when she gets home. If it was over done too much, it could have a negative outcome.

Why do think she would not complete her sentences......or she would stop and say "never mind"? Was her audience too active and gave the appearance they were not all ears? Or had she reached the depressed state she felt hopeless of even trying to make herself heard b/c she didn't believe anyone would give much value to her opinions.

I think I could see how a woman could began feeling like she didn't fit in, or really wasn't needed. Over time this added to the depression. Even if the house was straightenup, most things activities were based around the boys.

Now if I am completely way off track here, just say so. But if what I have mentioned is true, then there will be more work to do . Also, you said a lot of her problems (withdrawing from her children ) was shortly after the second birth. Was she ever diagnosed with postpartum depression?

I know we can get very sensitive about our children, but who do you think is the strictest disciplinarian? I know you and W want to handle problems with the kids differently, so who has the final say when one of them has disobeyed or something they knew they should not do? Do the two of you also disagree about how to administer discipline......or what it will be? I hope you don't mind answering this b/c I may be seeing how this is all connected, but I will wait to see how you answer.

[Gotan74]

Thanks the list was easy because I had already made one and was adding and subtracting behaviors as I came to see them.

So to give you a little back story we live in Baltimore and she works in D.C. When I left my job to take over being primary caregiver for the boys I started to do things to help her out when she got home. I agree over time it became part of my routine like with the boys.

I am the disciplinarian in the home because of how much time I spend with the boys. We do disagree with there punishments. Lately before I dole out punishment I talk with my W and we come to an agreement. I also explained that while It may seem like I am being strict most of the time this is not even remotely close to the first time this has happened.

As far as making her feel special things have changed a lot. When she is home I always make sure that there is fresh flowers in our room. I also make sure she has all the snacks she likes for her. I have also started to make sure we do something every weekend as a coulpe. I told her that we were going to try a lot of things. Some we may like some we may not like but something.

I have also found out that she likes going to the gym with me. Yesterday was a good day for us. She called a lot asking about my days and the kids. She then called and said that I know that you don't have practice are you going to the gym. I told her yes and that I would meet her there. So she called me before I got there and asked if I wanted any water and I said sure this is new because she usually just buys for herself. So we went to the gym and she asked for help a few times which she never does. After I asked if she was hungry and she said yes so we went out and had dinner. When it was time to leave she said did I want dessert and I said ok but she wanted it for another place. It started raining so I took her to her car and held the umbrella for her. I have been doing a lot of little things that I hope make her feel special.
The sentence where she doesn't complete I think she felt that I would not value her opinion. I have made it a large part of what I am trying to do is show her she can talk to ke. She opens up more and more every week .
I know my faults when it co.es to my W they were insensitivity, being passive agressive, and dishonesty. I have been actively trying my best to make sure they don't come back into play. We also had a heap of misunderstanding between the two of us form bad communication. I make sure that we are now both on the same page when I can. If there is a misunderstanding I try to talk with my W and see where we went wrong.

[sandi2]

Sounds very positive. Would you say her LL is quality time or acts of service? Maybe something else. Both of you seem to be speaking to each other through acts of service. And she definitely wants to be spend time with you away from the house/kids.

How are you at validating? Being a coach, you know team players need that often. I caution LBH'S not to over-kill and look as if they are kissing up to the W, but make a
point to say good things about her....to her. Asking for her opinion could make her feel that you really do value it. When she talks, be sure you look right into her eyes. That lets a woman know you truly are paying attention to what she is saying. Men may not look into each other's eyes when they carry on a conversation, but if you talk to a female .......you want to keep that eye contact.

During the times she is talking to you, ask her how she felt about it, or what did she do about it, etc. She'll know you care, b/c you are encouraging her to tell you more.

Do what what gets good results. If you get bad results, don't do it anymore.

[Gotan74]

Thanks Sandi to make a point our oldest son who she has spent the most time with and who is closer to her in his ways has decided to quit his job. I let her take point on this issue because they have a better relationship. We talked about what we would do if he decided to do this and came up with a plan together.
Also yesterday we had a slight problem. I had mistaken what her schedule was for the next two weeks. She said that she had told me and that she had made it a point that I understood. I still don't remember this but I took responsibility for the mistake. She then calmed down and said that when she stepped back and looked at it that I have so much going that I could forget or make a mistake.
I think her ll is definitely acts of service but with a little quality time. She called and said that she wanted to come home today because I have a lot going on and she wanted to make it easy on me. I said that it's not really a lot and to do what's best for her. She then said I don't want to put a burden on you and I said if I couldn't do it I would say so. She responded by saying that she didn't think I would to protect her. I then asked if protecting her upset her. She said sometimes but mostly no.
I have been asking her opinion on a types of things. I have been telling her good job and asking questions.

[Gotan74]

So my W surprised me today by asking if it was ok to come home tonight. She said that it was to help me with my schedule tomorrow . I told her she didn't need to change her schedule I would be able to pick her up. She said she wanted to come home so I picked her up and we picked up dinner. We talked a lot about things she thought were important to her. We had dinner in the bedroom and watched tv. Things seem really well tonight.

[Ss06]

How do I give a big thumbs up to this???