Dealing with WAW part 5

[pilot]

Carried over from ItHurts thread...

So sandi, how does one break that cycle? It seems to be where I am stuck at as i am sure many others here are. As you know my W has not even served me the D petition and has said she will let it expire and refile in a few months. (sorry for the semi hijack IH).

So how does a LBS take charge or at least in some small way, regain control? (not my first choice in words, but cannot think of another)

Pilot I know you have tossed around the idea of filing for the D. My advice is don't do it now. I think you may be ready to drop the rope. I believe it is almost impossible to go dark when co-parenting, so I would recommend trying that method.

By you asking about breaking the cycle, it hints you are wanting to do something to get a reaction from her. If so, then you aren't ready to drop things. And to hopefully answer your question, I truly believe it works for the LBH and it causes the WAW to see that she doesn't get to call the shots any longer.

I know what you mean about not choosing the right words. I have used the word "indifference" when trying to describe the LBH in his role of dropping the rope. Not a great word to use b/c of its negative tone. However, some men seem to get the picture better with that description. The point is that you move forward with life. You feel stuck b/c you are waiting on her.......to see what she does. Stop waiting and watching. Stop making "your" life all about her. She can't push your buttons if you don't care what she does/thinks/says/etc. And when she sees it doesn't matter, then it usually breaks that cycle, one way or the other.

You don't announce to her what you are doing. That would be shooting yourself in the foot. You don't explain what you're doing. You don't sit her down and have a long talk. You just start doing it by eliminating some of the things you are doing now. No more dinner dates or spending days as a family. You start acting as if you are D. You still get your kids and stay involved in their lives, but not hers. Isn't that what you would do if you were D and remarried? She would too. So, pretend this practice. (Sorry if that sounds offensive to anyone.)

This is where I get confused/lost at this point in DB. On one hand, 25 is suggesting I extend myself a bit more to break the limbo of what could very well be my W and I 'waiting' for the other. This would entail being, lets call it, cautiously pursuing. On the other hand, sandi is suggesting dropping the rope as a way to break the cycle I am in.

Now to be fair, both were referring specifically to separate scenarios, hence the different answers. Yet that still does not reconcile that there are 2 polar opposite courses of action. One has me stopping non essential activities (family outings), keeping up only parenting responsibilities. The other has me not giving up simply because one invitation was not accepted, and to keep an open mind to together time.

On the bright side, I got a DB coach session package today. So I will at least have that going for me...

Arrggg....

Oh, and sandi, it seems I will be following the pathway of your advice in not answering the petition on my own.

[Ss06]

Pilot,

Your DB Coach's insight supersedes ANY advice on this board because they know more specifics and are speaking to you directly in the moment.

I can't wait to hear their suggestion.

You're in a tough spot but I know you'll go the right path.

I believe in you.

[pilot]

You're in a tough spot but I know you'll go the right path.

I believe in you.

Well, you've got a 50% chance of being right!

Thanks ss

[Ss06]

You're in a tough spot but I know you'll go the right path.

I believe in you.

Well, you've got a 50% chance of being right!

Thanks ss

LOL! True but I'm betting on you.

[Wonka]

Your DB Coach's insight supersedes ANY advice on this board because they know more specifics and are speaking to you directly in the moment.

I would qualify this with this caveat:

DB coaches are humans too and they do get it wrong sometimes. One needs to look at DB coaches as your advisor in the process. There have been times when posters write what their coaches advise and I did not necessarily agree with them in certain situations/issues.

Taken in totality, DB Coaches are a very valuable resource and it is great to take advantage of their services to aid you along the process.

[pilot]

DB coaches are humans too and they do get it wrong sometimes.

Oh NOW you tell me...after I paid...

Thanks for chiming in Wonka.

[igit]

Pilot DB coaches better investment then L

[Maybell]

We're all human and no one can read the WAS's mind so if paying the DB coach was your way of ensuring that you did everything you possibly could to repair the R, then it doesn't matter whether it pays off in a reconciliation or peace of mind. Either way you get ROI. Same with L.

Wish we weren't in this place, but I know I'm better off for facing reality and moving my life on my own path, so I guess it is what it is. I certainly feel more empowered and less stuck than I did before, and hopefully you do too.

Best to you! (and if you have more of the fantastic guy advice you've been giving Lisa, I wouldn't mind seeing you on my thread. )

[pilot]

(and if you have more of the fantastic guy advice you've been giving Lisa, I wouldn't mind seeing you on my thread. )

Maybell, thanks for the positive words! I am not always the best at following every person's threads consistently. Yours is one I do try and follow. But sometimes there is SOOOOO much (hahaha) on yours in a short period that a question you asked that I want to answer is already a page or two in the history folder.

Please know you can always pop in on mind and ask me to visit yours or simply ask anything you wish to know right here on my thread. I never feel like anyone is hijacking...as so much of what we are going through is applicable to others here as well.

Thanks again for the sweet words!

[sandi2]

My answer was directed at your idea of filing for D in order to get unstuck. My advice is not to file for a D to break the cycle. I would drop the rope before deciding to go straight to D.

When I read back over my post, I could see it might not be clear what I was saying. And I saw a typo, which should have said I do NOT recommend going completely dark b/c of the children. But dropping the rope could work. It is better than divorce.

25yrs and I usually agree about most things. I think we each give advice from the perspective of our own personal experiences or what we've observed in others (as most people do). Being a WAW, I may be less tolerant toward the WAS.......? IDK, I am not trying to speak for her. Just bear in mind that we come from opposite sides of the fence in our own stitches, and realize there may be variation in what we say...or how it's said.