WAW, fighting for hope, looking for guidance

[Ss06]

It's so hard to stand by while someone is in pain knowing they are the only ones who can really get themselves out of that pain.

I think it's really admirable that you're noticing that she's in pain and depressed and stressed. She's facing a lot I'm sure.

I think patience is one of the greatest struggles through this journey. Just when I think I'm settled in and can wait forever, I get itchy and want answers and to reason and present options and make promises and suggestions...

Stay the course.

[Card29]

Thanks for the support, Ss. I will be following your progress and praying for you.

I'd like to journal one of my failures lately: We've spent a lot of time around each other working on the house lately. For the most part I think I have been detached, light-hearted, friendly and funny. But a few times I was just really feeling down (finding old pictures from when she was crazy about me, etc.), and I let it show through my expression. This violates part of Rule #15 and all of Rule #19:

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

I just played it off saying I was a little tired from whatever activity I just did, and try to turn it back to a smile. So, note to self: Fake it 'til you make it! Act happy!

[Ss06]

Card,

I just want to gently encourage you to not be so hard on yourself. You not having a pleasant expression on your face does make this interaction a "failure". You're human all the time, not just part of the time so you're going to make some mistakes here and there. It's not a failure.

Be nicer to yourself. More accepting. This will allow you to be more accepting and understanding of WAW's mistakes, too.

[Card29]

Thanks for the encouragement I'm not beating myself up too much over it, and not getting down when I do screw up. I know that neither an isolated positive or a negative interaction with WAW is going to push us to the BigD or ultimate reconciliation. I just wanted to document this "failure" because I've done it a few times over the last couple of weeks. I don't want to make it a habit! It also went to my "cheat sheet" note on my phone that I read every day. My (intended) daily reads are:

- "Cheat sheet" on phone with notes on what I want to focus on every day
- Sandi's 37 rules
- The 4 or 5 DO's/DONT's from successful DBers in MWD's DR book. I have pictures of those pages on my phone

[Card29]

Journal:

Well we are pretty much done with the house rework and it looks phenomenal. Realtor came over today and we filled out paper work. Everything was fine and I was happy (I've been pretty happy for 2-3 days). But I got a little down when we stood me to each other, looking out the front door watching the realtor plant the sign in the yard. It just became very real again.

A couple of days ago, she expressed great interest (maybe even a masked skepticism) of my recent activities, especially sexually. Obviously I'm not currently in or pursuing an sexual encounters (unless there is a dramatic change with WAW). She saw the book No More Mr. Nice Guy on my table, which has a subtitle that includes how to get what you want sexually. That, along with some 180's, I think, really had her attention. She asked about some of it in a laughing, light-hearted way ("So, thinking of any plans or have any hopes with any girls with all of this? :)"). I said, "Well, yeah." She responded, "What?? really?" She still had a smile, but I felt like she was genuinely concerned. I just smiled back. She prodded again and asked, "with who?" I said, "You", and she laughed, smiled and said, "Okay"

Obviously I didn't see that as a guarantee or anything, but it made me hopeful for the direction we're going at the moment. Micro victory, of sorts. Trying to have no expectations. Although since then I've had the urge to grab and kiss her when we've passed by each other

So anyway, I was on a high since then, but am a little down now that the house is officially listed. She did give me a super warm hug and asked if I was okay. She thanked me for working so hard on the house. I walked her out to her car and made sure I gave her a warm smile, which she reciprocated.

Okay, it's been a fun few days with WAW, but I'm probably not going to see her for a few days now (she has school after work and on Saturday). Time to get back to DETACH! Especially now that the house is pretty much off of my plate (aside from keeping it clean at all times). As far as detach recently, I missed the salsa class because I was given a free ticket to a big football game. But it was a good detach, anyway. Had a great time with BIL.

[Card29]

Just to note, one of her out-of-town friends was here on Monday, just to stop by while she was driving through town. We had lunch with her. After we finished eating, I went back to work in the garage while WAW and her talked in the kitchen. They talked quietly. I didn't pry about their convo. But later WAW basically told me what they talked about. She said her friend was comparing us to her (friend's) sister, who was recently divorced. Said it was nasty, they aren't talking, etc. My WAW made sure to tell her that we're not getting a D right now, that "we're just chilling right now". Obviously I know we're at that point, it still is uplifting everytime my WAW confirms she is not considering D. Of course who knows what she's really thinking, but I'm not going to try to mind-read, pry, plead, urge, suggest, or anything else. Been down those roads enough over the last 3 months to know they don't work and are very painful to get off of.

[Card29]

One other nugget from the realtor meeting I'd like to document.

She is the same realtor we bought from 5 years ago, so she remembers us and the house. I have spoken with her about various issues over the last 5 years. As she was leaving, she turned and said that she is so glad to see that we're friendly. She said that the day before, she had to show a house to the parents of a girl who is out of town but moving back. They are divorced, have been for years, and are both remarried. But they still can't stand to see each other, so she had to meet them at the house separately. She said, "You guys have a great relationship", to which my W replied, "Yeah, I think so, too."

[Starsky309]

Whatever happened with the PI?

[Card29]

No word yet. She has been with me most of the time since I hired him (them), but of course if she's in an A she would find time for that. I told the PI I don't want a report on her whereabouts, just contact me if you have hard evidence or need something from me. I didn't hire him so I could know what she's up to at all times

I rarely think about PI now. It has really helped me detach as I don't feel like I have to scrutinize, mind read and snoop. I know I probably didn't have to do that stuff, anyway, but I have a different strategy if an A turns out to be real. I would still want to work on R, when/if she's ready, but in the meantime I would not want to see or talk to W until A is over. I found it impossible not to drive myself crazy wondering about it before PI.

I'm back to leaning that there isn't one going on, but also not giving it too much thought at this point. Just working on me, focusing on D2, being a great friend anytime W reaches out, praying, working out, spending time with friends (new and old) and thinking of anything else I can work on. I'm also, without expectations, preparing a plan for if she does open the door to work on R. I just don't want to be caught empty minded if she suddenly asks, "So how might we go about fixing it?"

[Starsky309]

No word yet. She has been with me most of the time since I hired him (them), but of course if she's in an A she would find time for that. I told the PI I don't want a report on her whereabouts, just contact me if you have hard evidence or need something from me. I didn't hire him so I could know what she's up to at all times

Gotcha -- makes sense. Thanks!


Starsky