MOVING UP MOVING ON

[job]

You've had quite a bit going on. Live in the present, as the past is history and the future is not ours to see right now. I'm glad that you and JTM have gotten a few things straightened out and can enjoy the company of each other.

I'm happy to see you passed the written tests w/flying colors. The practical tends to get a few along the way. You'll be more ready in January to take it again and you will pass it this time because you now know what to expect.

As for the flea situation, go to the local pet store and get a couple of those flea bombs and set them off on a day that you and your pups can be away from the house. It takes a while, but once it's done, the fleas will no longer exist. Be sure to cover all food and put the bowls, etc., for the pups in the dishwasher before letting them each out of them again. It's the safest and easiest way to take care of the situation.

I can't believe your h lost his job. Was it a deliberate attempt at not paying support and filing for bankruptcy to wipe his slate clean or was it a genuine downsizing effort?

I'm sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. The stress, the weather and trying to keep your head above water isn't helping w/your immune system.

Please take care of yourself.

[Ambivalent]

Hey J

No I don't believe it was . I'll never know. His industry downsizes a lot. Last Monday was a court date to finally get the PL order accepted. His attorney and he were playing games for months. She wouldn't return my lawyer's calls. The agreement never got signed. Judge wouldn't force the issue. Next hearing on this is March. UUUUUgh.

H. is feeling cocky and shoving it in my face. The judge concurred there was an agreement due to the e-mails back and forth. The law is black and white on this, no signature and you can't force it.
His company automatically deposited into my account. We were living as if it were filed. The judge admonished him to pay support for December or he'll hear an emergency PL in January.
Now he says there was never an agreement and he just paid the exact amount to which we agreed, from his benevolence!

His new job pays less base pay. So he smugly has reduced the support. Wrote out a formula, deducted insurances, and has reduced it by a thousand dollars.
He "told" me a judge will not consider his commissions or bonus as part of his earnings. He has instructed me to get a job, and if I don't have one by the divorce proceedings he'll request the judge to impute an income to me. He also asked the court for fees and costs, due to his "waste of time on Monday "

It seems as if every communication he has to say something snide, ugly, or condescending. For someone who is " happy, content even..." he sure behaves ugly and as if he is angry. He hates that I've an attorney, and hates that he can't control that I disagree with choices .

He doesn't like when I call him to task for his behavior, and is behaving as if he is this benevolent husband. " I paid you what I did, because it was the right thing to do "

He refers to me and my attorney as painting him as a "Cad" We could continue to "argue" about what is owed and he wouldn't pay me anything 'til the hearing in March!

Why he believes that I don't know what the judge told him about support, is beyond me. He thinks because I wasn't in court, my attorney isn't going to tell me what happened?

I've noticed he keeps trying to triangulate and come between my attorney . He did this with my best friend as well, years ago.

He still tries to bait me, intimidate, and bully. His last attorney declined to be of service to him any longer. His new attorney is known as lazy ( do as little as possible ). This translates into "cheaper" than the last. We'll see.

I find this process tiring and I'm sick of it all. Dealing with someone who wants to punish you and reprimand, is exhausting.

I know who he is, what he's done, and find him to be dishonorable, insecure, petulant, dishonest, and ugly.

Now I've also had to deal with my mother in all of this. She has some major issues, always had. I never wanted to come to her, and I've tried to keep contact to a minimum.

Recently we had a phone conversation. During it my cell got disconnected. It was the worst time. She asked me how much H. was now giving me. The last time we had a conversation about support, I told her I didn't want to share that, it was something I wasn't comfortable discussing. She pushes, pushes, and pushes. Doesn't respect boundaries.

When asked again about this new support, the phone died. I called her back last night on my way to a pot luck. She has decided that I lied to her, and that because my kids don't want to see her, that I never told them she wanted to see them. I did and several times.
Now she also told me I don't like her ...yadda . This was true, but I wasn't going to say that, it's not respectful.

I said I'm sorry you think I lied to you about the phone, and that I haven't told the girls you want to see them. I told her exactly what happened. I told her they don't want to include her in their lives. At that point she told me she knows I lied to her! Uuuuuugh...I'm done.

My mother is very manipulative, and my older sister too has now excluded her from her life. My mother calls her children and tries to get information from them due to my sister not returning calls.

I shared with her that she doesn't respect boundaries, and when I say I don't want to share, she still pushes. I cannot prove a negative ( the disconnection )and I really don't need this crap right now. She told me she 'gifted' the money she gave me , and if I didn't want to be in contact that was fine.

I hated coming to her in the first place, I've tried to keep her abreast with a weekly call. I never wanted to open Pandora's box for these reasons. At this point I'm not calling her anymore with updates. If she wants something she may call. She is a very toxic person, always has been, and old age has not mellowed her one bit. I do like her feistiness, and strength. That's about it.

I know I sound negative, but I'm so sick of people choosing this time of year to be so ugly. It's the " I'm miserable, so you should be miserable too syndrome. ".

Couple the above with me being sick and you have a beaten down gal here.

Daughter number one is acting her usual self. She has chosen to keep her distance since before Thanksgiving. I let her know she was loved, welcome , and she doesn't have to choose between her father and I. Crickets. Oh well, I'll just give her space and enjoy a little less drama. She doesn't like that I won't give her my phone number. I explained why I wouldn't give it to her or her sister, but that means nothing to her. She wants what she wants and now she is punishing me for it. Emotional blackmail is rampant!!!
UUUUUGH, this is what her dad does too.

I'm trying to be open, share my feelings even if uncomfortable. I want to break the cycle of passive aggression and conditional affection which is so prevalent in both my H's and my families. My kids are adults and I don't want to " Mommy " them, just have an adult relationship. Accept who they've become and just love them.

So far Christmas will be the same as last year. Bro-in-law, D-2, and myself.

Here is a weird but nice thing. My H's very affluent Aunt sent me a check for 500.00! She normally sends everyone, H's sister's and brother's a check. Usually it is sent to H, in his name. Remember last year? Anyhooo, this year to my great surprise, she sent it to me.

I did write her a brief note to let her know of the sitch. I didn't want all the relatives sending things to him at my address and for him to get things in a timely fashion. I told her I wasn't going to teach my kids to hate him nor would I speak ill of him to the family.
It was brief, and she said to think about how "serious" divorce was! Hahaha! I couldn't go there with her, just let her know I had to protect myself. I wasn't given a choice.

So this check was a huge surprise. Welcomed since the oven needs repair. It may allow the dinner for Christmas to be made! I've a Viking and the oven is spitting fire! If it costs too much to repair, I'm buying a counter top oven. No sense in repairing something I can't take with. Hopefully it won't bee too much to fix.

So that is my HUGE update. I'm trying to just function. I believe the fleas are under control. I broke down and went to the vet to get some tablets, and have done a ton of research on fleas. Vacuuming , vinegar, salt, orange oil,yup done it all!

Trying to keep a PMA, and I may get some decorating done now. Couldn't before due to the wee hopping beastiboos.


Sorry so long, needed to vent.

[job]

Ambivalent,
I hope that you were able to enjoy Christmas this year. So much has happened in your world, especially the last few months.

As for your mother, she's not going to adhere to boundaries at this time in her life. She feels the need to control everything around her. I'm very sorry that things aren't better between her and her children. She's got to be a very lonely woman.

As for your h, I'm not surprised at the stuff he's pulling out of the hat. He's going to do whatever it takes to ensure he doesn't have to pay you anything more than he has to. The games they have been playing, i.e., phone calls and not having the agreement signed are just disgusting and to think lawyers play these games and can spot a MLCer a mile away. I do think he's correct in saying a judge will not consider commissions or a bonus as part of his earnings, because they are too unpredictable and are not "steady" income. How can he get his fees and costs for the Monday hearing? That's crazy since he's the one that created all of this mess. I can't see them allowing him reimbursement for that. Well, I guess it doesn't hurt to ask.

Yes, they do turn ugly once the divorce proceedings begin and when there is money involved. I think I warned you of this when you first came to the forum. They don't remain nice for very long, especially when their wallets are being pinched for things the spouse requires.

I do hope t hat 2015 will be a better year for you, but it's going to take some time to get over the hump of divorce. March isn't too far away and hopefully the next hearing will provide you w/some monetary relief as well as knowing when things will finally be settled.

Wishing you a Happy New Year and may it be a better one for you.

[Ambivalent]

Thank you , Job. It was horribly stressful until the actual day. My youngest deliberately and calculatingly tried to get my phone number from me using these tactics: guilt, bullying, anger, and emotional blackmail. At the time I was so ill, and I didn't see it for what it was . I allowed her to bait me and I allowed the manipulation. I not only bit, but just completely lost it!!! For forty eight hours I felt so bad about myself. I wrote to my bro-in-law and just dumped. I then felt horrible about that too! UUUUgh, talk about back-sliding.

The next morning I apologized to my bro-in-law. I found out through my youngest that it went the family circuit. @@. His family all talk behind their backs and passively aggressively manipulate each other. My H. soon jumped on the opportunity to get my youngest to join him for Christmas.
She told him she was coming to my place still. The scuttlebutt was " Mom cancelled Christmas ". @@

They all tried to find out what happened from her, and she held fast to " Mom is very sick, and exhausted. ".
By Christmas my bro-in-law came, my youngest came and my oldest refrained. No surprise!

My oldest and my H dumped the wife/mother duties on my youngest. They told her to organize what theater and dining places to get together. She tried , and every time she came up with an idea or plan , they shot her down. They , H and oldest are narcissistic. Soooo...

When did I finally get Christmas with them ? SEVEN O'CLOCK Christmas night! Sheesh. I cleaned and cooked all day, listened to Christmas songs and relaxed. Knowing the oldest wasn't coming did remove quite a bit of stress.

I found out through bro/and youngest , my oldest got glee from " almost getting the phone # out of her ". This was a very painful piece of information! I had VERY little trust before, now it is gone. I feel so violated, hurt, disappointed, manipulated, and betrayed.

I put so much of myself into that child. Meaning: I advocated, protected, coached, lead, had her in socialization groups, got her help (psychologists, other docs. Therapy camp...) private schooling...UUUUUGH!

I understand now that she is what is known as an " energy sap-er " My mother too, fits this . TOXIC. It is so hard to like a person such as this. I love her so much, I love my mother. But they both drain me emotionally, psychologically, and physically! It is SO painful. Neither will respect boundaries, and push push push.

I will be doing some homework as to how to deal with these types of unhealthy people in the future. As for now? I'm not reaching out. I am protecting myself, I've too much on my plate. I cannot allow them into my life and poisoning or undermining my positivity.

Two days prior to Christmas, JTM and I were to see each other. The night prior, he let me know his eye doctor may want to operate on his eye, that day. He'd call. I was so disappointed that I may not be able to see him. <:C.

But in true DB-ing style I proceeded with my day " as if " I wasn't going to see him. I went to the gym, made the batter and cut out the Springerlie cookies...

While doing so a knock came upon the door. I almost ignored it. As I approached the door, there was a 6'6 man standing on my front porch with a spray of 12 red roses and Stargazer lilies in his arms! Yes, it was John! <:O

I was SO surprised and felt such a rush of glee. The house was a wreck, but THANK GOD I was dressed, face on and actually looked AWESOOOME. Giggles

I invited him in, jumped up on a dining room chair, looked him straight in the eyes and then jumped into his arms!!!
I allowed myself to be present in that moment. I succumbed and I was vulnerable. I allowed everything to wash off and enjoyed every delicious second of being with him. What a gift!! God does work in mysterious ways!

As for whether or not a judge would consider his commissions and bonuses? I'm not so sure I'd agree . For Job, we have always lived on those. It has been 200% of his base before! I was also told ( by the paralegal who received the judgment )a judge could look at his top earning year, and say " you've done it before, you can do it now ".
Another option would be a past five year average, prior to him leaving. Judges are savvy to men who've suddenly dropped their income level prior to divorce finality. I'm in Loudoun County, depending on the judge there are many choices from which to choose. My H. chose to desert, and abandoned . He chose to play games with the attorneys. He chose to seek out an affair, spend money on trips, jewelry, clothes ; all while choosing to stop paying the mortgage on the marital home. This will come into play. All I may hope? Enough to live and save. To be able to pay taxes and build some retirement income. The rest is going to be up to me.

JOURNALING


I've been doing a ton of reading...NO surprise! Lately it has been on post divorce dating, rebounds, what men and women do after divorce, toxic relationships, healthy relationships, pacing.

I've come to trust my gut instincts again. I was always one to "feel" things. I used to listen and heed. When going through this, separation and now pending divorce, it's easy to doubt every decision. Especially when a former H. is manipulating and bullying; instructing me on what I should and shouldn't do with the divorce procedures and getting a job!

I am fortunate that this relationship with JTM is slow paced. I met him via a dating site this month last year, our first date was in January. I've come to get to know him slowly. Still much to learn,obviously. Some folks I know through dance and other places, have started dating. They see each other quite a bit. We don't. At times I wanted to, and at times I did not.

I have learned for a relationship to last or develop in a healthy manner, slow and steady is the best choice. It allows for thought and contemplation , it allows one to feel and learn. It allows one to see " red flags " of behavior. I don't mean in the other person per Se, but myself as well.

I don't want to focus on the negative, or to seek things from which to run. I don't want to see only through the rose colored hue of oxytocin and dopamine laden spectacles either. I want to have balance and health in a relationship. I know what I want in another, and I want to be the best me I am able to be!!

I like this man, I have grown to love him. I believe taking time, moving slow is a very good thing. I can cycle through feelings without dragging him into them. I can process them, learn from them and eliminate "drama". Moving slow: meaning seeing each other a couple of times a month, and communicating through out the times between. This allows for the 48 to 72 hour thought process to become a pattern. I have a tendency to impulsivity . Journaling is a very big help. Group therapy is too!

I have learned to focus on what I am feeling in the present. Feel it and express it. I am learning to share negative feelings with a bit more tact and grace. NOT EASY, but I will eventually be able to do this with more and more ease. Why? Because I want to grow. I constantly refer to the book:

" MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS " . It has SO much information, one must re-read to allow it to take hold; to become second nature. It is by my throne, X}. Yes, I have quite the bathroom library!

This coming Wednesday I retake my Practical. It will be in Richmond. I have planned to go down the day before. I am going to get a hotel, study a bit, find the testing center, then relax and sleep well before the exam.

After the exam, I may just play it by ear!

I have created a job for myself and will be focusing on that. More to follow later.

2015 will still have some challenges of getting through the dispersing of property, debt, and divorce. To this I'm not looking forward, for it is incredibly stressful. I have maintained my weight loss, for at least eight months. I'll use the impending stress to take a few more pounds off and then hold fast! I don't wish to drop anymore sizes, just have the room to enjoy a splurge now and then without issue.

I am still in the house, go figure? I've looked at other places . My near future goal is to stay here as long as I can. Bank bank bank as much as I can. I need to go to a financial advisor/planner, tax attorney, and learn as much as I can. I need to get two major exams done, breast and colonoscopy. This will be done immediately after Practical exam.

I have downsized the doglets. Two are with daughter #2. She needs them for depression, they reeeally help her! I have three, one who is not long for the world. He will be fourteen on the Ide's of March!

This man was born an old soul. He was fear aggressive, and is my grumpy gus. I LOVE HIM to pieces. We as a family worked with this dog a great deal. He truly became the most obedient and loving dog. He has arthritis, has gone low/medium pitch deaf and needs glasses! Ha! My man Kemper, has taught me much about patience, loving unconditionally, beauty from within, and older age. It will be a very sad day when he goes. He taught my children uncountable lessons. Due to his larger size, (12 pounds. XP ) and deeper bark, I felt a type of security with him. I've never lived alone prior to this experience. He is my sentinel.

Kemper is starting to abdicate his "pack leader" position. This saddens me, for I see the changes in a man who was a proud and strong leader. I see the parallel with man. How we as humans change with age. I also see the need for more touch, and love. This is something I will remember, I tear up as I write this. We all need this, it is part of us. Touch, loving touch.

[Ambivalent]

This story is long and may not be easy to follow. I'm writing it down for I am ashamed and concerned.

He has lived with a woman , Rebecca, during and through his divorce. He was separated from his wife and she no longer wanted anything to do with him for serious financial reasons, and I also believe adultery.
He moved in with Rebecca , back in May of 2013. John lived with her until July of 2014. His divorce was October of 2013.
This woman is a professional and realized after he moved in that he was a mistake. January of 2014 we met and started dating. He was on OK as you all know. I don't know how many other women with whom he was involved. Around April / May of 2014 he knew he needed to find another place to live. He had been told on several occasions by Rebecca that he needed to find a place .

He was grooming Jennifer, and Jennifer was a great catch. She believed to truly " know " a man you must live with them. She was into "swinging" and not the kind I do. She did not know about Rebecca nor myself. John moved in with her , kept seeing me, and still was on OK.

She found out about me months ago and kicked him out. Due to working for whom she works, they do checks on vehicles. J. used her SUV to pick me up and drive to Gore. They had done a check at the time, and questioned her. Busted. He confessed and said he was in a " pickle " with me. He didn't want to hurt me, because of the situation I was in. It fits the timeline , where he was pulling away and I felt something was off. He couldn't quit me, but he tried not to have sex with me.

He wooed her back and she relented. From that point on she used a condom. She just recently found out about me, and called me yesterday morning. I had lunch with her, she treated and then I followed her back to the house. It was good for me, today, but not yesterday.

I saw his texts, his office, hers really. I sat in stunned silence as she went on the computer. Later, she called Rebecca and she came over. Both of them shared stories , timelines, similarities and differences. He lived rent free, and never paid anything for utilities or groceries. He was parasitic. He and J. had swinging interludes and I was , well you guys already know.

Rebecca knew he had money in a briefcase and she found the bag. In it was quite a bit of money. She divided it up and said it was for all the lies he told, rent he didn't pay and groceries he didn't pay. I accepted the third of the money.

I drove home last night around ten, I believe. I called my girlfriend in NH and told her everything. I was okay until I admitted the last part, and then I fell to pieces. I felt such shame, guilt, and disgrace. I can not nor could not believe what I'd done.

Earlier that evening while all the disclosure was going on, he was texting both Jen. and myself. She shared everything and I stayed silent.

Later that eve. He texted again and I called him back. I was completely upfront about everything and we talked for two 1/2 hours. I finally had to get off the phone, for I was in tears. He texted me it was not my fault, it was all his. To sleep well, to know my next exam will go well... he is smooth.

This morning I awoke with shame and guilt. I got rid of the money. I gave it to a military veteran charity ( WWP ). I texted him about an hour ago, and let him know what I did, and that if he was sincere in really doing better, he MUST go get professional help. He apologized and asked me for the money. I told him everything, and that I no longer had anything material nor emotional to give.

I let him know that I had informed three of my closest friends of this whole past year. I had taken a photo of his license plate, the first time I went with him in his car for safety reasons. I let him know how much I was hurt and how I was feeling. I shared that I need to move on and heal; to please respect my boundary and no longer contact me.

I am horrified , ashamed , guilty for allowing myself to do what I did. I still have feelings, emotional and sexual and I'm truly grappling to get control over those.

I feel as if the last 18 months have been the most bazaar of my life. I see how I got here, and I strongly dislike it. I'm exhausted for I was up til three on the phone with John, and then the two other women were up for their jobs and texting us at four-six a.m. I was reading them but not interacting.

I for some strange reason, don't hate this guy. After all the reading , I feel such sorrow for his family, him, the other women, and yes, me. I feel such incredible pain. My gut again is in knots and I feel sick to my stomach! The weird thing is it also fascinates me. The whole deviant behavior.

I am one confused and let's face it... screwed up pup! I need to focus on my boards and try and work. I am SO depressed. I will up my Zoloft again.

I just feel miserable and kind of scared too! I'll go bawl in the shower in a few.

[job]

Ambivalent,
I'm very sorry Christmas was such a mess. As for your daughter...what was she thinking in trying to get your phone to get the number? From your posting, in my opinion, your daughters do not have any respect for you or your privacy. There is a reason why you didn't want her to have the number and now, well...I wouldn't trust her. She's going to have to work very hard to regain your trust.

Now, about your "Dear John". I'm glad that everything is out on the table. He will not change unless he gets therapy and comes to understand why he needs so many women in his life. Your story reminds me of the current movie out there called "The Other Woman" w/Cameron Diaz. John is lucky, you three could have done some serious damage and not just split the money up. Hard to tell just how many more women he has out there.

You have to keep your focus on your exams, divorce and other things in your life. I think you need to consider putting dating on the back burner. In my opinion, you've got to get your baggage cleaned up and get your life in order before contemplating bringing someone else into your life. Take things slowly and give yourself some time to heal. Learn to live life on your own first and when all of the divorce stuff, moving and yes, a job, are taken care of, then consider what may come next, i.e., dating and one day finding someone who will want to share his life w/you on a permanent basis. Trust me, the frogs will still be sitting on the lily pads, waiting to be kissed, when you are more settled and healed and ready for a healthy relationship.

Good luck with your exam next week. Travel safely and try to relax this weekend. You need to be well rested and focused for this test.

[job]

Ambivalent,
I feel sorry for his family and the women he has conned. He will continue to do this until he seeks help and finds out why he needs so much attention from other women. Sounds to me like he might have the NP disorder and requires a lot of kibbles for his ego from lots of women. Apparently he has no qualms about living with women and not paying his share of the bills, etc., and still out there lurking for his next conquest. What a piece of work!

I'm going to be perfectly honest w/you...I don't feel sorry for him one bit. I'm only sorry he wasn't caught sooner. He knew exactly what he was doing and he used women to his own advantage.

Of course he didn't want to hurt you. I wonder just how long this con game would have continued if he hadn't finally been caught and the situation brought to light. Run like the wind and do not have any more communication w/him. Be smart about this because he's not going to change and he's got that "smooth operator" way w/him. This isn't his first rodeo. He'll be back in the saddle searching for another conquest soon, if he hasn't already.

It's hard to say just how many others are out there that he's been conning. Yeah, he had an eye problem alright. Let's face it, he never thought all of you would put two and two together and actually meet up. He's a lucky man because there are some women who would have plotted some revenge on him that he would remember for a very long time.

Ambivalent, you don't need this type of person in your life. You deserve far, far better than "Dear John" or your h.

[job]

Ambivalent,
How are you doing?

[Ambivalent]

Hey Job,

I'm doing better. My divorce was supposed to happen the ninth of May, but my attorney got into a head on collision. She and her fiancée are alive, but she has one heck of a fractured arm.

My divorce has been postponed until August 20th. The good thing is I'm still on insurance, so I'm getting done what needs to be done.

I have been actively volunteering through my swing dance. I dance with, for , and do photo ops with the WWII vets . I am part of the living history at the WWII memorial. I also entertain/dance at the airport, while the vets wait for their return flight home. I haven't done an arrival yet, but I'm sure it will happen soon.

I've also been doing courses and have felt pretty good about them. They are challenging my behaviors and reactions to triggers. It is work and can be challenging at times.

Thanks for asking about me.

[job]

I'm glad you finally came back around and posted an update. I'm sorry to hear about your lawyer. Sounds like it was a very close call for them. Hopefully her arm will heal properly and not have any lingering pain.

August isn't that far away and you have ample time to get all of your medical needs taken care of. Hopefully things will finally settle down for you when that happens.

I'm also glad to read that you are volunteering through your swing dance. What you are doing help Vets in ways that no one can imagine. When you do get the opportunity to do a arrival, it will the one that you will remember the most.

Now, the million dollar question...how are you really doing? You sound good and staying busy, but deep down....how are you doing?