I've been reading a lot of the old threads in anticipation of "the purge" and have been finding some helpful posts, like this one, written by "Coach." It made me think of you and your situation.
Quote:
LBS creed -
I can handle anything thrown my way. I am responsible for my actions, thoughts and happiness.
I will respect my WAS and let their problems be their problems. I am fun, confident, interesting and capable. I am attractive. I am interested in others' well being. I choose to thrive regardless of my circumstance.
I am a warrior.
I'm praying for you, HopeTex, and your W. I know the night seems very dark right now.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
For what it is worth, here are my thoughts on your situation:
//I predict that she won't be able to afford to stay in the house like she wants.// Stop predicting. The key outcome of a divorce is that her problems are her problems and your problems are your problems. You need to start thinking that way right now.
// I planned on more 50/50// You need to start planning. I have 50/50 and I can tell you being a single parent is tough. How are you going to do that? Financially supporting 2 complete households, getting kids to school and after school activities, and the countless other things that being a single parent entails. You really do need to start planning. For me, it means accepting that I cannot do it alone and reaching out to friends and family for help. You should really start having those conversations now, so you have a real plan when the topic comes up in front of a judge.
//is good DBing or not.// At its core, good DBing is accepting that your wife is a grown adult and has made a decision. It is giving her the freedom to make that decision and live with it’s consequences. You do that by separating from her and moving forward with your life. You need to accept that she is gone and start building a new life without her (yes, I know how hard that is to actually do). Maybe one day she will join you in that new life, but that is up to her.
//Am I making things too easy for her, or is this good because it is no trying to fight her on the idea of D?// You are not doing anything. She has made a choice. It sounds like that choice is Divorce. Follow the advice of your attorney and move through the process as efficiently and quickly as you can. Don’t do ANYTHING with the intent of manipulating her into returning to the marriage. NEVER act out of spite. You really just want to move through this as quickly as possible, protecting your rights and doing as little damage to your relationships as possible.
//do it all in a kind, loving and respectful way that protects my working relationship with the W for the benefit of the kids going forward." But am I missing some other DB perspective // No, that is what you need to do. Well said.
//I want to ALSO improve my chances of her changing her mind and wanting to be my W, either before or after a D.// Focus on building a life without her, not improving your chances. If she likes the life you build, and hates the life she built for herself, she may change her mind. But, this thought should not occupy any of your time or energy.
Again, these are just my thoughts; one opinion of many. I really am sorry you have to deal with this.
This is very very helpful JC, thank you so much for taking the time.
Life is just a blur right now, having to face a lot of changes and make a lot of decisions. And battling fatigue and sorrow. What a ride.
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
RockJC - keeping it real in 2014. Thanks for that. My D is looming 10/20 and I need to remember to do what works - and the only thing that is working right now is building pleasant memories and not engaging in conflict. So, divorce it is. Doesn't mean I'm quitting DB'g - just means she is pursuing a course of action I don't agree with and can't stop.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Long week. Met with lawyer, which was a surreal experience. Lots of those right now. Sometimes I feel ok like I have accepted the reality of what is going on. Then an hour later I can't believe this is really happening and it is terrifying and sickening. I think the worst moment is always when I wake up in the morning, there is a strange wave of doom and terror that floods over me, and a cold sweat.
Talks with the wife over D details are very cordial and productive. Hopefully we will get a lot of the details agreed to with out the lawyers having to help.
We are working together at deciding which of our furniture I will take, she is also helping me find good used furniture on the neighborhood computer boards. She is taking an Interest because she wants the kids to be comfortable there I suppose. Storing it in the garage for now. 3-bedroom apartment will be ready for mov-in at end of month. It is weird, I am glad we are working productively together on the D, even tho the D is the last thing In the world want. Part of me is being friendly and accepting the D, the other part is saying NO NO NO.
I should be happy that she is not crazy or mean. But in some ways it is harder when she is so calm and decided. No second thoughts there, at least that I can mind read.
We have t told the kids yet, I imagine that will be in the next couple weeks. Dreading that.
Having trouble sleeping, got a prescription. Helps a little but not much. Nest time I go to the gym I will be curious to see how much weight I have lost. Little appetite.
At this point I probably spend as much time mentally panicking about work as about the D. Still in the dark about what my employer wants to do about my department since my boss left. I have a lot of obsessive negative visions about being unemployed, living under a bridge. I am good at that type of stinking thinking. But I am doing what I can to protect current job, and starting to poke around for other options as well. So hard to exert energy of that work stuff when the D stuff has me so tired and down. God really seems to be throwing it all at me at one time.
Really finding it a challenge to get ready to take over my own finances. Been letting my wife handle everything for over a decade.
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
HopeTex - can't offer much except to let you know I'm pulling (and praying!) for you. Cordial is better, though it makes things very surreal.
Get some exercise. If you can't run, walk a long way. Your appetite will return. Mine has, now I'm running and swimming to get good endorphins in my system.
There is one thing I've been doing. Pondering one aspect of this mess at a time while visualizing laying the rest at God's feet. He keeps picking up that bundle and smiling at me, as if to say "Thanks for letting me do what I said I would do."
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Part of me is being friendly and accepting the D, the other part is saying NO NO NO.
I'm so sorry. I know this feeling. It's so awful.
Just keep asking God to give you what you need to get through today. Or to get through each hour.
The job will sort itself out. You won't end up under a bridge. You will survive this and be better for it, no matter how it turns out.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Glad to hear you are moving forward. I remember those feelings. They don't last forever, but they do last longer than you would like. don't be surprised if the cooperative relationship you and your wife currently have changes. Divorce is inherently adversarial.
Are you a member of a local church? Mine was a big help. I 2nd the recommendation to exercise. Wishing you the best.
Long week. Met with lawyer, which was a surreal experience. Lots of those right now. Sometimes I feel ok like I have accepted the reality of what is going on. Then an hour later I can't believe this is really happening and it is terrifying and sickening. I think the worst moment is always when I wake up in the morning, there is a strange wave of doom and terror that floods over me, and a cold sweat.
Talks with the wife over D details are very cordial and productive. Hopefully we will get a lot of the details agreed to with out the lawyers having to help.
We are working together at deciding which of our furniture I will take, she is also helping me find good used furniture on the neighborhood computer boards. She is taking an Interest because she wants the kids to be comfortable there I suppose.
IF you are going to mind read, at least do it this^^ way b/c you are not assuming the worst. But if you do get 50% custody, why are you the one with the "used" furniture? Without being petty, make sure you watch out for yourself.
Div Busting is partly about saving yourself, (improving and becoming the man you were meant to be), partly about saving your marriage as a result, AND partly about being smart in the event a divorce does happen. Separate the issues b/c one of these issues is about business. Take care of your "business", okay?
Storing it in the garage for now. 3-bedroom apartment will be ready for mov-in at end of month. It is weird, I am glad we are working productively together on the D, even tho the D is the last thing In the world want. Part of me is being friendly and accepting the D, the other part is saying NO NO NO. Understood...very relatable description.
I should be happy that she is not crazy or mean. But in some ways it is harder when she is so calm and decided. No second thoughts there, at least that I can mind read.
Be glad for the NO batchit crazy mean stuff. But recognize you both had some deep seated issues about intimacy and trust and huge fears of abandonment. You were needy to the point of her probably feeling drained. She needs to see you strong and competent and like a man she could lean on, not one always leaning on her. Do you get what I mean?
Also, you have NO idea whether she has second thoughts. (What woman who sees a loving father with their children, would not have questions?) But she knows or fears that if she shows you the slightest doubt, you'll pounce on it and want more or some "Clarification" which would commit her in some way. That's why you must NOT bring up any R talks with her.
We have t told the kids yet, I imagine that will be in the next couple weeks. Dreading that.
Having trouble sleeping, got a prescription. Helps a little but not much. Nest time I go to the gym I will be curious to see how much weight I have lost. Little appetite.
At this point I probably spend as much time mentally panicking about work as about the D. Still in the dark about what my employer wants to do about my department since my boss left. I have a lot of obsessive negative visions about being unemployed, living under a bridge. I am good at that type of stinking thinking. But I am doing what I can to protect current job, and starting to poke around for other options as well. So hard to exert energy of that work stuff when the D stuff has me so tired and down. God really seems to be throwing it all at me at one time.
Really finding it a challenge to get ready to take over my own finances. Been letting my wife handle everything for over a decade.
Running out now but will post more later. Hang in there!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
