Do I offer to postpone the sharing until we discuss in MC, but insist on the no contact letter now? Or just wait for next week for all of it?
Postpone both the sharing and the no contact letter until the MC... According to your discussion with her when she agreed to the MC and no contact letter, I don't see where it states that you agreed to a day or time for her to write one. You gave her an out by not agreeing to an actual deadline.
Not only that, but you BOTH agreed to wait on difficult topics until MC. (backed yourself into another corner) So I would say that you should wait until MC.
Here is the conversation you said you had a couple of weeks ago regarding these issues. I don't see where there was a day or time deadline for the no contact letter. You can't hold her to something that wasn't agreed upon. (mistake on YOUR part for that)
It looks like she agreed to no contact, but not WHEN... Right away? Tomorrow? After MC? Next month?.....
Get it? You gave her an out because a deadline wasn't agreed upon, plus you also BOTH agreed to wait to discuss difficult topics until MC. Now she can use your asking about the no contact letter as controlling. Pressuring people doesn't work. You are pressuring her. Most people fight AGAINST pressure.
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Good timing- W just left. We agreed to try to work on things. Conversation had its ups and downs. We'd start going into difficult topics, but then would agree that we should probably wait until MC.
So W asked me to find a MC and set that up. She also agreed no OM contact. I told her that involved writing a letter for me to approve and send as well as both of us sharing emails, passwords, etc. She was fully on board, which really surprised me. W left and we hugged goodbye. Family bday party tomorrow and we talked about trying to go out on some dates upcoming.
She even mentioned this weekend that she knows I would just look back into past emails looking for something to harass her about. I'd be constantly digging for something.
Could you say something like 'I'm not interested in your past emails etc, I just need reassurance for the future'?
Best take advice from Wonka & Starsky about this first though.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
There is a part of me that is niggling at me with some concern that W is still in touch with the OM in some fashion.
I agree that there is probably still some contact between the two, however I have a *feeling* that it's now only occasional. Call me naive, but some of W's actions from when I knew they were in frequent contact have changed recently.
Regardless, we're 6 days away from MC- so I either wait and let MC assist me with it, or force it now and risk W bailing from MC.
She even mentioned this weekend that she knows I would just look back into past emails looking for something to harass her about. I'd be constantly digging for something.
Could you say something like 'I'm not interested in your past emails etc, I just need reassurance for the future'?
Could you say something like 'I'm not interested in your past emails etc, I just need reassurance for the future'?
I tried telling her that- even that she could delete any old emails before sharing access with me, but she's convinced I would search and search. 'Even if delete it, you'd find a way to dig it up.'
That's why I pretty much dropped the subject and plan on waiting til MC. There's nothing I can say that will get her to trust me right now (ironic, huh?). This conversation is one reason I posted my 'Recovering from A' post in the Infidelity forum- up until this point I've given her every indication that I would 'need' details. I think she obviously would be more comfortable if I didn't. Would also be a 180 for me...
I'd be careful not to over-promise her, Tar. Even if you decide NOW that you never need to know the answer to something, what if you change your mind later?
Bottom line, SHE needs to be reassuring YOU at this point -- IF she is serious about wanting to reconcile.
I'd be careful not to over-promise her, Tar. Even if you decide NOW that you never need to know the answer to something, what if you change your mind later?
Exactly- I haven't said anything to her on my reconsideration on needing to hear details and don't know that I ever would, should I decide that.
W stopped over last night for dinner, then ran S11 to a doc appt while I ran to the grocery. When she left for the night, we planned a date for either tomorrow night or Sat (depending on her work schedule).
While at the grocery, I look down a long aisle and see OM and his son! That's the first time I've ever seen him in person. He headed down a different aisle and didn't see me. A few secs later we almost crossed paths again, but he didn't see me that time either. I seriously don't know how I would have reacted should we have made eye contact or passed each other. I rushed through the grocery on high alert because I had so many emotions running through me.
Tonight I'm heading over to 2 of W's friend's house to chat about the email I sent a while back (questioning our friendship after hearing they were out with W and OM). I had text them a few weeks ago asking if we could get together and just hear each other out. I expect it to be an 'agree to disagree' conversation. I have no intent on blaming or arguing- this is more to just hear each other out so we can put it behind us and move forward regardless of what happens with W and I. Although I felt the talk was necessary, it's especially important should W and I continue to work towards a possible R.
Tonight I'm heading over to 2 of W's friend's house to chat about the email I sent a while back (questioning our friendship after hearing they were out with W and OM). I had text them a few weeks ago asking if we could get together and just hear each other out. I expect it to be an 'agree to disagree' conversation. I have no intent on blaming or arguing- this is more to just hear each other out so we can put it behind us and move forward regardless of what happens with W and I. .. .
A friend or family member will often try to play the "I'm not taking sides here" thing to artfully get out of you trying to pin them down. What I've seen be effective is to say something like "I'm not asking you to support either me or (wife's first name); what I'm hoping you would do is support the marriage."
