Finding my way - part 5

[Elsa]

Hi Meghan, I just wanted to check in and say what lots of vets have been saying to me. Don't worry about what he says, don't believe it anyway. That helps me to read my H's messages and then ignore the stuff I didn't like. Maybe it is denial but it helps. Later I might have to deal with it and process it, but it helps with the anxiety.
Hugs, Lisa

Definitely! I have a tendency to mind-read/dwell on negative statements. I just tune it out now, and it's really helping me back off and give him some space instead of revisiting the same interaction over and over again.

[Meghan]

I heard back from H. today.

He says he found a job, with a company that he worked with before, and one that let him work remotely pretty often. That was frustrating to hear. First, because apparently he could have had a job and worked from here. Second, because I'd hoped his movement into his new life would be a little more difficult and cause him to think a bit more about what happened. Third, I guess, because I'm still imagining him having this awesome life without me that I should have been a part of, but that's neither here nor there.

Actually, he said that he wasn't that excited about the job, but he guessed that he had to do something. I almost blew a gasket at that one. Yes, he should have a job. But...it shouldn't be just because no one's taking care of him now and he has to make sure he has income and all that. He should have had one years ago so the burden wasn't entirely on me.

There were some other elements of his email that were annoying, too. Nothing major, I guess, just some comment about how his family was "sad about what happened", which made me want to yell, "You contributed too! And you LEFT! This isn't something that just HAPPENED to you!" But I suppose that's a hallmark of everything that's happened and his belief in his lack of responsibility.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but if nothing else, his email sounded rather sad or like he was a bit unhappy. Trying not to think about that too much.

Anyway, I'm undecided about whether I'll reply or not. There was a kind of question in there about whether I'd be okay with him mom emailing me about, but I'll probably sleep on it and raise it here again tomorrow. I'm pretty tired right now.

My parents came into town today to visit for a couple of days. They want to take care of me and are helping me clear out some stuff and make the apartment more mine, which I appreciate. It's been good to see them and to run things by them. They're pretty appalled at this point and can't believe some of the things I was putting up with, which is validating but doesn't really make me feel all that much better or understand what happened. It's nice to feel like I'm moving on a bit more, though.

[Maybell]

Hi, Meghan,

My H blew up the "there's been a lot of tension between us" as though we were just not getting along rather than I was having trouble getting past his affair and he wasn't making amends. Considering what a huge part of their lives they've exploded, I guess it's a big responsibility to flat out say "I discarded you like worn out socks" so they have to say "We weren't happy."

I resent getting credit for him walking out too.

Your H sent a long reply! And you sound like you're putting less pressure on yourself to make your emails sing and dance?

If he's not excited about his job and he's only doing it because he has to, he's not having an awesome life. He's facing the reality that grown-ups don't sleep till three in the afternoon. It will take him a while to sort out how that fits with the other mistakes he's made.

Hope you're doing all right...

[pilot]

Maybell is right. He probably is not happy right now, and his lack of enthusiasm for his job is a key indicator. But try not to measure his happiness. You will ultimately get it wrong, and most likely have a belief he is having a great life without you. Your H can walk away from his M, but he cannot walk away from his problems. Might take him a while to figure that out though.

I do not know if I personally would reply to him if there was no pressing reason to. Him asking if it was ok for his mom to email your a question or not really does not seem all that vital to reply to. His mom is an adult, if she wants to email you, she will.

Best of luck to you!

[Meghan]

Thanks for the feedback, all. The email was frustrating, but it was also a bit of relief that it didn't sound like everything was coming up roses for H. Not that I want him to be unhappy - I really don't - but I do want him to have cause to realise more about what's gone down here and maybe even his role in it and some of the issues that I have, which is clearly something he's going to have to come to himself.

Maybell, you're correct that the email he sent me was longer than what I sent to him, and I'm not feeling quite the same pressure to respond or to get it just right this time around. Pilot, I'm considering not replying at all right now - if nothing else, I'm going to give it a bit more time and think about what needs to be said, or what I want to say, if anything. No big rush right now.

My parents have come to visit for two days. They wanted to see me and to help me clear out my apartment, get it in order and more functional, and really make it mine again. We've moved furniture, donated a car load of stuff, hung things on the walls that have been waiting for forever, and taken out a bunch of trash.

There have been tough moments - finding books H. gave me or the fixings for meals that we'd planned to try together, and more generally feeling like I'm scrubbing him from my life by getting rid of his stuff - but on the whole it's been good. It does help me feel more in control, like I have my own really good life (in which I can actually do things again), and as though I'm detaching a bit more as I go.

I'm not giving up on the possibility of reconciliation, and I know there are still going to be a lot of rough moments going forward, but I have no desire to stay stuck here waiting for something that may or may not happen when I can just as easily be living my life.

[Meghan]

Wow - I did not mean to stay away for so long. Things have been busy. Life has been busy.

I don't have much to report on the relationship front. I haven't had any more emails. I didn't wind up replying to the last one - first because I wanted to wait, and then because I mostly forgot about it. I'm okay leaving things for now.

On the life front, things have been largely okay. I've had sad days - today is one, since I seem to have had three nights in a row of dreams about H., with him either leaving me or asking me to come to him so we can work on our marriage together - but the sadness is less intense than it was. There are things that I miss, certainly, like his jokes, and his input into things that I'm thinking about, mostly. There are also still moments where I wonder if I could have tried harder or done more to make things better, and if things could have been different if I had.

But the truth is that life is just now fine and even better in some ways. My parents came and helped me make the apartment feel like home again. I have a new mattress, and it's glorious to sleep in the bedroom, in a real bed, with new bedding and without earplugs. I cleared more things that were his from the apartment - bedding in particular - and it was...well...gross with sweat and grime, and I wondered how I lived with that. The recycling and garbage get taken out every few days, the dishes are done every night, the counters are wiped, and the floor is swept more regularly...AND I don't feel resentful about having to do it. I watch less TV and spend more time knitting, sewing, reading, and just puttering since I actually have the space for activities now.

I'm not sure that I have any great revelations since the last time I was here. I saw my counselor last week and she was pleased with where I'm at. She's noted that my anxiety seems to be a lot better and has suggested that H. was actually contributing a lot to the anxiety - perhaps even more than he was helping me to deal with - because our values were so different and because it seemed like he was doing so little to support me in practical ways. Given how much better I feel, I can't say that the thought hadn't crossed my mind.

For now, the way forward is pretty much the same. Keep making the best life for myself that I can. Make a nice home, keep exercising, get out to see people, and keep busy. Once I'm used to being at work again, I'm hoping to add in some new activities too, hopefully to keep my mind occupied and to keep up with friends and meeting new people. Despite the down moments, by and large this has felt like a good opportunity to figure out who I am and who I want to be again, so I plan to make the most of it.

[Ss06]

You sound like you are rocking the GAL and detachment thing. Way to go!

[Meghan]

I think detaching has been a lot easier without H. around and with other things to focus on. There are still sad days, and some particular things that alternately make me want to cry or punch a wall, but by and large I really am feeling a good deal better. A lot of people have noticed, too, so I don't think it's just me.

Part of it is the ongoing series of revelations that things were just really not that good, even if I pretended and even managed to convince myself otherwise. I still have one at least every few days, and while I realise that I might be tweaking to some things that I normally wouldn't because I'm still upset, by and large I think I'm just getting a clearer of view of what was wrong and, more importantly, what would have to improve if we were going to try to make this work.

I haven't discounted my role in this (not by a long shot), but it's definitely been a lot easier to see some of the places where I was feeling really put upon and how they affected how I engaged with H. It's actually been somewhat shocking to see how easily I transitioned to life on my own since I was taking care of almost everything myself to start with, which is pretty telling in its own right.

Part of me still wants to reconcile, but another part of me sees a lot more clearly how much work that will be. There are a lot of changes that will need to be made on both of our parts, and I imagine there will be quite a lot of really painful work in there. I'm up for it, if it becomes an option at some point, and I definitely think that it could be worth it. But it would take two very open, very committed, very flexible, and very responsible people, and I don't think we're anywhere close to that point yet. Doesn't mean we won't get there, but I also don't really want to sit around in stasis on the off chance that we can get there, particularly when I've started to realise how much I've been missing out on.

[SunnyB]

Part of me still wants to reconcile, but another part of me sees a lot more clearly how much work that will be. There are a lot of changes that will need to be made on both of our parts, and I imagine there will be quite a lot of really painful work in there. I'm up for it, if it becomes an option at some point, and I definitely think that it could be worth it. But it would take two very open, very committed, very flexible, and very responsible people, and I don't think we're anywhere close to that point yet. Doesn't mean we won't get there, but I also don't really want to sit around in stasis on the off chance that we can get there, particularly when I've started to realise how much I've been missing out on.

Meghan I love this paragraph, and it sounds like you are on a good path right now.

I'm up for the work of R, too, but realize that things weren't as peachy as I pretended they were and I don't want the "old" anything back. And I don't think H is up for the work. So.....

[Meghan]

rppfl - I don't think my husband is up for the work either, so I suspect we're probably in similar spots. I've pretended that things were okay for years, and they just weren't. I fear that some of the changes that would have to be made are things that are just too fundamental to who we are and how we view the world. But...who knows? Stranger things have happened.

After all of the past week's "look how well I'm doing!", today is feeling rough. I'm back to work tomorrow, which always causes me worry and anxiety. I'm sorely missing the hugs and reassurances that usually come from H. when I feel this way, and have also realised this will be the first year he doesn't take me out for a celebratory "the first week is done!" lunch.

I'm missing him a lot right now (or, at least, missing things that I associate with him). I know that at least part of being emotional right now has to do with the anxiety and with being tired from not sleeping all that well these last few days, but it feels lousy all the same.