Dealing with WAW part 5

[25yearsmlc]

Pilot

among other things you said, is that you are the type to "leave no stone unturned"...And for me, you were turning stones over which you knew were Not of the DB approach

and it's not something I'm a big fan of (Not b/c this is the 'Only" way, but just that I figure one approach at a time, which is to be given the full treatment, before switching to another one)....b/c IMO mixing the methods tends to confuse the results and the parties...

ANYHOW, what about you hiring a DB coach? I mean, if you really want to turn every stone over and look, that ought to be pretty high on the list. IF you have one, run this by them.

IF not, why not?

I highly recommend them.

[25yearsmlc]

You are right Lisa. I just do not know what to do with this deadline looming...do I do nothing, or do I answer the petition and get things rolling? I know the answer, but I dont know the answer...

what possible advantage is there to "get things rolling"? The limbo won't end very much sooner and you'll always wonder if...

Make sure it's not your ego or wounded pride factoring in here....(if you doubt it, then double check b/c of course it's somewhere in there and I see it a bit more than you do, in fact I see it here a lot, mixed in with chronic impatience.

Like I said before, your wife put up with your campaign, your "injured medicated self" (which I think you greatly understate the negative impact of)

for longer than you've been here....think about that, okay?

And when it's your heart and your love and your faith in God and your stated values (which I know this sorely tests) that guide you,

then I think the answer will be clearer.


FWIW, I do NOT believe your wife is "sparing" you your feelings by waiting. That simply makes no sense to me.

[pilot]

Thanks 25. Yea, her friend and H are really a strange bunch. While W and I were married 'happily' W would frequently tell me that this 'friend' was always looking for something to be wrong in our marriage because we were just too happy with eachother and did not fight. W used to say that this friend was either jealous or just wanted something to be wrong with us to make her feel better about her own M.

So my rational mind pays no attention it. It was just for some reason, it really felt like my gut was being ripped out. Maybe you are right about the ego thing. I cannot think of a better reason...

As for W not saying a negative thing, neither of us EVER did that to anyone. We never spoke negative about the other to anyone, even our parents. Which is one major reason our S/D came as such a HUGE surprise to everyone (me included).

On the W delaying/letting the petition expire front, I guess I could mind read the positive side...she is confused. And it may very well be true. I met with 2 *new state* attorneys today, and both agreed filing in this *new state* if it came to that would be beneficial to me. Even though they are not lawyers of *old state* they said they could really see no advantage to rushing it through based on what they knew of other state laws. So I guess that takes away the 'legal' pressure to answer the petition before it expires this month. That gives me until Dec. 1 before another petition can be filed. Although both STRONGLY advised that I be the one to file in this state, as filing first has advantages.

Yea, I guess you are also right that all in all, her being confused is a good thing. It is a limbo thing (not good) but it certainly is not a death sentence. I really have no intention of hanging out with the other people. Even when we lived here, I never did. Her H used to work for my development company (contract, not employee) and we had to let him go for poor performance. I always thought they were nice enough people though, just not much in common with them. My W was her friend because she was one of the first people she met when she moved to my town (4 months prior to meeting me)

Thanks again 25. I feel I should go do something really dumb to get a 2x4 from ya

btw, igit was looking for you and your wisdom. might want to head over to his sight. he and I have very similar situations going on and he could use ya.

Thanks agian...

[25yearsmlc]

Text messages between W and I.

Friday:

Me: If you want to bring the kids down for a beach day on Monday it is supposed to be better weather by then. Afterwards if you want you and I can go watch the Miami game somewhere.

Her: Ok, I will let you know

Sunday evening:

Me: Did you want to bring the kids to the beach tomorrow?

Her: No, I think I'll stay around here


I get why THIS^^^ disappoints you. I do. I would not read a lot into it, but sure, I get why it's not "positive'...

Me: Ok. Can I come get the kids in the morning? (was not supposed to get them till after school Tuesday)

Her: Maybe breakfast at Cracker Barrel?



THIS^^^^ IS A POSITIVE>...I understand why you chose to pull back - but why are you pretending nothing positive happened?

Me: I can just come get them

Her: What time?

Her: Were you thinking?

Me: Mid morning

Her: Ok text me before you leave


Definitely no friendly W right now. While I thought long and hard about how to answer the breakfast question, as much as i thought maybe it would be good to go and show her some PMA and be friendly, I decided to not be too available. After all, I took a chance and out of the blue asked her to a beach day. This was after I kinda shut the door on her for the week as I posted earlier.

To be fair, couldn't SHE write almost the same things you have written here about your reactions to her? Seriously.

You guys are in some stand off now waiting for the other one to make the first 4-6 moves....which is a killer position in marriages.

So many people do that and ask me why THEY must "make the first move(s).

to which I reply, "because you are here, (on a marriage saving site) and your spouse is not.

You must make the first 1001 move....and maybe the 1002nd too...."

"

[pilot]

25, I had actually been considering a DB coach (finally) these past few days. Mostly because for the first time since this whole DBing thing started, I really feel at a loss as to what to do next. I got the NC, I got the GAL, and I got the 180. Once things turned positive, I had no clue. Guidance would probably be beneficial (ok, certainly, not probably).

As for the 'get the ball rolling' yea, that was wounded pride/ego or something similar. My own emotions are a roller coaster. I have been on the free fall part lately. Had my eyes closed.. Perhaps I overly justified my position by looking at the legal side.

Like you I do not buy into the 'spare my feelings' angle either. It makes no sense given how every other action does not spare my feelings. I could dwell on it for hours/days, but I'd never guess right, so I just left it alone. I had quietly hoped someone like sandi who is intimately familiar with WAW thoughts/feelings would have an insight, if for no other reason to help calm my mind on it. But even then, it would be guess work.

As for the cracker barrel invitation, yea, I agree it most likely was a positive (although I think I pointed out how when pieced with other interactions it could have very well been a negative.) That being said, at the time I got it, my assumption was it was not a negative. I really had wished I had time to post here and get advice because I was super conflicted on how to answer this. In the end, I went with the 'do not be too available' approach given she just shot down MY invitation. I definitely saw positives for taking the invitation, I just did not want to seem too eager. Again...another reason for DB coach time...

And yes, you are right, she could probably very well write the same things. And I do see the POV of a standoff (although I had never considered that). I think I have been experimenting (maybe incorrectly) on how to 'appear' as if I am moving on without her. However, i am finding it hard to find the balance of appearing to move on and not doing things that come across as 'demands' or actions to illicit a response. Not sure if that makes sense...

I get it that I have to be the one to make the moves. It just becomes hard to do that and NOT come across as pursuing. I wish I knew the proper application of interactions. I simply do not. And I end up guessing. Maybe I should keep a quarter on me and just flip it every now and then. Can't hurt...

[25yearsmlc]

Pilot

At this point on your journey, (other than the inward journey, which I sincerely hope you will continue taking)

you are operating without any instruments now, and you can't see your altitude.

You really must Hire a coach so you can see where you are going and to figure out a way to "land this plane,"

or if need be, how and when to bail.

Make sense?

[igit]

Pilot 25 is rt on the DB coaching. I have used a woman named Denise. She is very helpful,will give you some really good advice on how to talk with your waw. Just like a vet but cost a few bucks, well worth every penny, no matter what happens.

[LisaB]

WOW!

This advice from 25 brought tears to my eyes. It could have been written to me.

"To be fair, couldn't SHE write almost the same things you have written here about your reactions to her? Seriously.
You guys are in some stand off now waiting for the other one to make the first 4-6 moves....which is a killer position in marriages.
So many people do that and ask me why THEY must "make the first move(s).
to which I reply, "because you are here, (on a marriage saving site) and your spouse is not.
You must make the first 1001 move....and maybe the 1002nd too...."

25, you are wise. Pilot, listen. I know I am. We both might be dealing with our own wounded/overgrown egos I think...

Hugs, LisaB

[claire7]

I'm trying to take 25yrs advice to heart too, and not ignore the positive signs I see, no matter how small, just because they are not big enough or quick enough. ...

Pilot, another shout out here for a coach. I've gotten feedback from them that I haven't gotten anywhere else, and while the vets are super super valuable, this is not their job. With a coach you get a whole hour dedicated just to you. Take good notes and that advice will last you a while. GL.

[pilot]

WOW!

This advice from 25 brought tears to my eyes. It could have been written to me.

"To be fair, couldn't SHE write almost the same things you have written here about your reactions to her? Seriously.
You guys are in some stand off now waiting for the other one to make the first 4-6 moves....which is a killer position in marriages.
So many people do that and ask me why THEY must "make the first move(s).
to which I reply, "because you are here, (on a marriage saving site) and your spouse is not.
You must make the first 1001 move....and maybe the 1002nd too...."

25, you are wise. Pilot, listen. I know I am. We both might be dealing with our own wounded/overgrown egos I think...

Hugs, LisaB

Ok 25, here is a question I am sure Lisa would want to know the answer to since we are both kinda in the same spot on this. HOW do you know when or even IF to make the first 4-6 moves (I understand that was more an expression than specifics). My understanding of your statement, revisiting my previous text conversation is I should have accepted the breakfast invitation. In the future, I should make another invitation like I did for a beach day. If it gets turned down (and let's assume there is no return offer on her part), I brush it aside and at a later date, make another. And to repeat '4-6' times even if they are refused and no return offers? I get what you are saying (if this is in fact what you are saying) but how is that not considered pursuing, or even over pursuing? Or did your statement rest on the idea of a counter offer on her part being made? In other words, do not get upset she would not have dinner with you when she offered to have lunch?