Thought this might be the best place to pose some questions.
Long story short, W and I separated about 11 mos ago. During our S, W began dating OM, although it was an inappropriate relationship leading up to our S. Currently, we've agreed to MC and are taking some steps towards R.
Is this a true A? To me, yes- we were still legally married and my understanding was that W needed time/space. To W- probably not. She was convinced we were done, weren't living together and married by paper only. I 'suppose' I can see her viewpoint. Does it matter? Will we just have to agree to disagree?
My question to those who have successfully restored their M after an A or who are currently working through that situation - how were you able to overcome the constant thoughts, anger, betrayel, etc?? I've been thinking that I would need to know every little detail, but I'm wondering if that's necessary? Did you take a 'what's in the past is in the past' attitude or did you have to know everything?
I found that I was surprisingly NOT into finding out a bunch of details about what my wife and her OM did. Maybe it's because I had so much intel (audio, mostly) that told me far more than I'd ever really want to know. I was more interested in knowing what pre-affair marital dynamics caused her to make such a potentially destructive decision, and what were MY contributions to those, just so we never find ourselves in that godawful place again.
As long as my wife was fully transparent with me (and she was), and she didn't contact OM anymore (after one slip-up -- that she admitted to once I confronted her on it -- she didn't) . . . and as long as I saw effort from her at working on our marriage (which I mostly did) . . . I was okay with that.
It took a long while for our feelings for each other to return and for my TRUST to return, but eventually things turned out even stronger than ever. And any time I DID ask her something about OM, she didn't seem to have a problem answering it.
Thanks Starsky- I was hoping you'd be one to reply.
It eats me up wanting to know details, but for some reason yesterday it dawned on me that if I'm to keep the road home smooth, it involves me forgiving the past and just moving forward. I think my W's biggest fear is having to divulge all those details and answer all my prying questions. For what? For me to get my answers and then what? I constantly dwell on the details? Wonder if there's more she didn't tell me? What does she get out of it if she tells all, then I bail because I can't handle it?
I'm still conflicted on all of it and far from getting to that point, but just wanted to hear from others who have made it to the other side.
Like Starsky, I didn't want to know all the details. I continue to choose, instead, to focus on the issues in our M that led to the A - things we could actually do something about.
Some people want/need to know details; others, like me, don't. Some people need to hear a lot of apologies and see a lot of remorse; others, like me, don't.
I did ask *some* questions. Now, just more than four months into piecing, I've stopped asking ANY questions about the A or OW, even if they pop into my mind. But H has maintained open communication and has said he will calmly and truthfully answer any and all questions I have, if any should arise, for as long as I have them.
In the beginning, when I was asking questions about OW and/or H's actions, I found myself spiraling during otherwise enjoyable moments - like when H had planned an amazing date for us. (What a buzz-kill!!!) I also learned that he literally cannot answer any questions I have to my satisfaction. The A will NEVER make sense to me; no point trying to make something senseless make sense. What DOES make sense is how p!ss-poor our M was before the A ... and how we never want to be there again. So THAT is what we're focusing on now. And if I have questions, I try to gear them there. I want H and I to be a team. I don't want to drag-up those old feelings of being adversaries ... I don't WANT to get stuck in the muck of those couple months. Asking questions keeps the focus on the A. And I don't want to be there anymore. Does that make sense?
HopefulStill suggested to me, as soon as H re-committed to our M, to have ONE discussion about the A/OW and ask every question I had ... and then drop it. I had that discussion ... but I still had some questions that would trickle out over a month or so.
Overall, I just think a whole bunch of questions about affairs and affair-partners is pointless at best. It's also downright torture to hear some of the answers.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
But H has maintained open communication and has said he will calmly and truthfully answer any and all questions I have, if any should arise, for as long as I have them.
I think this part is key. ^^^ Whether or not the betrayed spouse ever feels the need to take them up on it, I think it's important that the formerly wayward spouse to commit to this.
And for their part, the betrayed spouse needs to commit to not freaking out when they get their answers, and to say "thank you for being honest with me" even when it's extremely painful. And most importantly, to NOT LORD IT OVER THEM for the rest of your marriage!!!
I too have found myself spiraling down during enjoyable moments. Even at the zoo yesterday as a family I'd find myself glancing over at W, then the questions/thoughts start running through my head.
I would like to eventually receive some type of remorse or admittance from W that what she did was wrong, but I know that may never come because (as I mentioned earlier) she doesn't think she did anything wrong- we were S, not living together, she saw no future for us...
Interested to hear from others as well- the more perspectives the better!
I would like to eventually receive some type of remorse or admittance from W that what she did was wrong, but I know that may never come because (as I mentioned earlier) she doesn't think she did anything wrong- we were S, not living together, she saw no future for us...
fwiw, I too would have a big problem with this. At a MINIMUM, just some acknowledgment of "Even though I considered our marriage to be over at that point, I can see now how much it hurt you and for that I'm really sorry."
As I've posted numerous times however, not every formerly wayward spouse ends up expressing remorse, and the betrayed spouse has to decide if that's a dealbreaker to them or not.
And most importantly, to NOT LORD IT OVER THEM for the rest of your marriage!!!
Although I know this, I do question whether I'd actually be able to follow it should I know details. And I *think* W thinks I would hold it over her.
LOL, I bet if you asked my wife she'd tell you she would've bet $1,000 that I would. I think she's been pretty stunned that I haven't, as I have some real "I've-gotta-be-right" issues.
It was actually easier than I thought. I saw her making effort, I got my "I'm sorry's" and I know that I wasn't blameless in the marriage getting to that point. I think God too had a large hand in healing both of our wounds.
Obviously I'm not at that point yet, and may never be. However, my perspective on it has completely changed. When my BD first broke, I wanted to know all the details, every last thing. Now that more time has passed, I'm more interested in the big picture, and things that will keep me moving forward. The details aren't a game breaker anymore for me. Good luck with whatever you decide. Your getting great advice from lots of people that have been through it.
