Unexpected walk-away-husband

[jpLove]

Hello! My name is June & this is my very first post here. Seven weeks ago I went to tour a local preschool for my daughter. While talking to the administrator, she explained that I could opt out of providing a birth certificate if I wanted to and that one example of their needing one would be if the parents split up during the school year and the mom removed the dad from the authorized pick-up list. If no court order had been put in place, then they would continue to allow the dad his original rights. I vividly remember thinking "ha! THAT will never happen!" My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4.5 of those years. I adore him. I've always made a habit of praising him, supporting him, complimenting him, submitting to him. I was always rather proud of my efforts, thinking that I was a good wife. I would ask him, if the subject came up because of something we observed with other couples, how I was doing in that area and he always assured me that I did well. On my last birthday, he announced to the internet that I was "the best wife and mother in the world." In March we miscarried a surprise third baby and I remember hugging him and crying and mentioning that I know that sometimes things like "this" tear couples apart. He strongly assured me that that would not be us. Ever since then, he's been noticeably down. Grumpy most days, angry with the kids very easily, somewhat apathetic. When I would notice that he was down I would always ask "how can I help? Have I contributed to your feeling this way?" And he ALWAYS assured me that I was not the cause of his misery. Through our entire relationship, we always agreed that divorce was never an option because we meant it when we made our vows. Because of all of these things combined, I was very confident that no matter what came our way, we were solid. And I know I, at least, was still very much in love. The man still gives me butterflies.

1 Thursday, 6 weeks ago, while I was 11 weeks pregnant, we had what seemed like a normal day.. He went to work, communicated with me the same way he always did, checking on me through the day, random "I love you's," he even invited the kids and me to go to a car show with his dad that night. We didn't end up going, bc he later found out that his dad wanted it to be a father-son-outing. When he came home that night we had dinner and I put the kids to bed. While upstairs, I texted him and asked a question I've asked many times before, "if you had it to do all over again, would you marry me?" I was shocked that I didn't get the immediate "of course I would" that I always had before. This time he paused...and then said "no, June, I wouldn't. It breaks my heart to say that." That obviously led me into the typical interrogating trying to figure out how on earth he could have come to that conclusion. For heaven's sake, we never even fought! He asked for a break that night and the kids and I moved in with my parents the next day. I had basically no answers, they were all vague and by nature I am a questioner. I research everything heavily...I like answers! I was floored when he got angry with me for asking what seemed like completely reasonable questions about our "break." He actually yelled at me for the very first time, because of me and my "damn questions all the time." It took one week (of me unknowingly pushing him further away) for him to say some very mean things and that he was "done." He's never said he's divorcing me in those words, but he did say that he can't divorce me while I'm pregnant...so I have until at least February to help this turn around. The kids and I have been back home for about a month, he's living with a friend who left his wife & 3 children about a year ago. He's financially supporting us and we have nightly "goodnight " phone calls for the kids. (D,4 & S, 22 months) he takes the kids 2-3 times a week and I see him at those exchanges. Our communication never includes fighting or even disagreeing. I've been doing phone sessions with Dr. Jack Ito (whom I found before I found DR & this site) I've had 3 sessions with him so far. First he instructed me to apologize to H for trying to keep him in a marriage that makes him unhappy and explain to him that his happiness is very important to me. After the apology I've had rules to live by, 1) initiate no affection - no pet names, no 'I love you', etc. 2) initiate no touching 3) initiate no contact that isn't absolutely necessary - he's given me "skills" to work on to help re-attract him - being agreeable in a very specific way & showing empathy. "Progress" keeps fluctuating. I keep thinking I see good signs and then winter comes back and he suddenly avoids eye-contact and conversation. It's a yo-yo. I've only cried in front of him once in a month, and that was this past Sunday because our daughter is actively rejecting him and it breaks my heart. I need advice and support, because most of my real-life support is getting tired of waiting and their support is wayning. :-/

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[jpLove]

Thank you, Mr. Bacon.
I teared up when you said that he is giving me a gift. In a lot of ways I've already realized that. I've started instilling changes in my life that I've known I needed to for a long time but haven't been able to find the motivation or self discipline to do it. This is my motivation and the self discipline has kicked in out of my fight or flight response. I've lost about 10 lbs since the break started (which my midwife is ok with since I was overweight at the beginning of my pregnancy) and I feel much more confident in my appearance. I've been spending more time with friends, friends whom I thought I'd lost as a result of being absorbed by motherhood. I've face my biggest fears and conquered them: being a single mom & sleeping "alone." Both of which have resulted in a boost in confidence. It's just so hard living on eggshells being afraid of saying or doing something that will push him even further away, since I've been so successful so far of making him run. I'm 99% sure that if I had known what I know now, when he asked for the break, that he'd be back home already. The hardest part of this is what it's doing to our children and the fact that he seems to not care. He's never been a selfish man...but suddenly he's behaving incredibly selfishly and recklessly. I'm amazed. I know he's young, but I really think this sounds like a MLC. Do you have any opinion on that?

Also, what does being on moderation mean? Small posts are difficult to accomplish. Haha.

[MrBond]

Hi jpLove,

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation. You won't find a better group of individuals who will try to help your M get back on track.

Your H is not going through a MLC. Have you read the DB or DR books?

[jpLove]

Hello, and thank you MrBond!
I read 90% of DR when a friend asked if he could borrow it briefly. Since it sounds like I can't do much until I see progress from LRT, I didn't see a problem in letting him borrow it...but I never did make it to the section about MLC in the back of the book. Would you mind explaining why you don't believe that is his issue? Thanks!

[KGirl]

Hi June,

This stuck out to me:

"While upstairs, I texted him and asked a question I've asked many times before, "if you had it to do all over again, would you marry me?" I was shocked that I didn't get the immediate "of course I would" that I always had before."

Before that you painted a pretty happy picture of your M.. but I don't know that people who feel that all is well and confident about their M would be asking this many times. What do you think leads you to ask about this a lot? Was that only after the miscarriage and he became grumpy? Were other things happening that shook your confidence? Were you expecting more out of the responses? You mention being a questioner...maybe that's something to 180 if you're not already. In my M I also questioned a lot and wanted a lot of reassurances, and it didn't give me the answers I was seeking... instead it lead H to feel mistrusted, that I was jealous, and that I was always prying/nosey.

[jpLove]

KGirl, you're right on the money. I have a needy personality which I never realized. I frequently looked for verbal assurance because I suppose that is part of my love language and he's not verbal much in any area...I always celebrated a little bit in my heart when he would compliment of affirm me, because it was rare. He did think I didn't trust him, when in all reality I did. I just needed more affirmation.

[jpLove]

Also, KGirl, I have 180d on questioning. I thought I had bc I had cut out what seemed like invasive questioning, but later realized that I needed to cut more out. I was asking questions I viewed as conversational, but it came to my attention that bc of our situation, they probably felt interrogational to him. I still have my need for info satisfied a bit bc our daughter is a lot like me and asks him questions about his day during their nightly goodnight calls. I just respond if he addresses me, now.

[jpLove]

So, on Labor Day H was supposed to walk in the Labor Day parade in the town that he works in. He was also supposed to have our kids, so he got permission for them to walk in the parade with him. I asked him if he minded if I went to see my kids in their first parade & to take pictures. He said that was fine, and I agreed to not let the kids know I was there bc if they knew, they'd want to be with me & not him bc they are rejecting him right now. Monday morning came and he was an hour late picking them up bc he slept in. (So walking in the parade was now out of the question) Our Daughter asked him if I could go and he said he "didn't care," so I told her that I would drive myself. The town he works in is about 30 minutes away, and upon my arrival there I found out that my friends who were going to meet me there, decided not to go because they wanted to play match maker and force him to be with me since the kids weren't going to be part of the parade. (How frustrating!) by this point I was 30 minutes from home & our daughter expected me because she asked and we both agreed. I called him and explained what happened and he said "i don't know what to tell you" so I explained about how I want our daughter to know that what I tell her is truth and that "I'm not trying to force myself on you." He said "well that's kind of what you're doing" so I said "is that what I'm doing? Ok, I'll go home" he then urged me to stay for our daughter. so I did. He clearly enjoyed himself, he smiled at me a lot, pointed things out to me in the parade, we team-worked caring for the kids as well as we always have...and then when it was over he high-tailed it out of there as quickly as he could. I felt horrible about it all day, knowing in my heart that I had back-stepped my progress by staying.

Tonight, that was verified by a friend to whom he complained about it to...saying that I forced myself on him and that I should I have just gone home. I really believe he's just looking for reasons to be angry with me at this point, probably to validate himself bc he's realizing his original reasons to be mad weren't valid. Does anyone have an opinion or advice?

[Joe1981]

I have no specific advice, just general. Hang in there and be patient. Nothing will get better or worse all at once. Each interaction needs to be the best you can make it, but there will be bad ones, don't let them get you down. If you slip up, shake it off and get back to being your best.

Get a life (GAL) to whatever extent you can w/ two small ones.

Do what you can to be the wife only a fool would leave...your best self.

Be the best mommy you can, your kids need you badly right now. Plus, there's a chance that seeing you continue to be great with the kids may get his attention.

Keep posting, hopefully vets will chime in soon.