Pilot, I appreciate your input in my sitch. It is a lonely thing to go through. Thank goodness for this board and friends like you. there is a movie called fireproof.it has the 30day do something nice for W everyday. after 30days it mentally becomes a permanent fixture in there mind! I don't know if it works for our R but heck desperate times makes for desperate measures. the problem of course is W has checked out for now! Its hard to draw them back! all thru out this mess, whenever W would see me GAL and going out she became more touchy feely giving me hugs , hugs and more hugs. after I was served and took it rather well, she came into my room and wanted to hug me. I needed to get out of my home for the night. she saw me leave and wanted me to come back, she even offered to stay with me in <our> my room. I know I shouldn't mind read! But What are you doing hugging me ! If you have no feelings of love for me then why hug me! Is it guilt? I just don't get it! I am trying to be super dad super roommate with her adjustment to new job> I know she is watching me! I don't know the best approach other than be best me! AND LOST DESIRE TO BE ANGRY! It has gotten easier! I know it doesn't help so a few weeks back when she was spewing I just left room. she asked me to come back she wasn't finished, I told her I would talk to her later I didn't want to fight. When I received summons she told me they were going to call her 1st before they did this! she said she was angry at them and they were not supposed to do it! I didn't ask but thought would it have made a difference. I did look up conty site and saw she filed on 7-25 my 12D birthday! Nice! then she gets a job 2 weeks later and asked me if I would commit to helping w kids! so she filed before job! I dont know how she could expect me to be D and still share a home with her until June! She apparently thinks I will! oh well thanks for input Pilot! Pilot it sounds to me like you treated your W like a princess! great efforts on bdays etc...I am sure that is something she will never forget! hang in there! Her life is going to get more complicated by the day! Be there as a friend! Its something she will need from you before she is ready to recommit.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
igit, I do not think (mind reading here) it is guilt which makes your W (or mine for that matter) have moments when they reach out...ie hugs, hand holding, spending QT. They are hurting just as we are. They are also losing a spouse of many years. And even though in our eyes they are in control, maybe in their eyes they are not. Maybe they only believe they can be happy without us because they were so unhappy for so long. And Maybe they really do hurt at the idea of losing us, the M, and the M history as well. It might just be a moment in time where they let their wall down and just want a small piece of the comfort they once had.
Again, all mind reading. Just a possible perspective...
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Pilot, without kids it would be so much easier to go dark. Just give them there feedom. Just let them go. You always want whAt you can't have. Rt now they know they can have us.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Wife came home w 101 degree temp. I cooked dinner. Got kids homework done and in bed. Just starting to chill. Wife having tuff night with temp. Earlier in day we talked and She is excited about listing real estate property. Big payday big dollar home when it sells. We have always done this real estate stuff well together. I hope this gives us some time together. Most of our projects come from my contacts . Anyway my wifes brother and sil. Have tried reaching out to her at least once a month since this mess started but never a return call from w. Yesterday she texted sil.and brother. Not sure if she is coming out of a stage of mlc or not. From reading on mlc the mlcer.will reach out to some of those relatives she has shut out 1st. The spouse is always last. Maybe I am mind reading. Her bro.called me today and was shocked to hear from her. Just a txt but it has been no contact with him for almost a yr. Same with his wife. These 2 were always with us and our kids always together almost every weekend. So I am glad for w that she is reaching out. Any thoughts on this. Of course the spouse of mlcers.are always last . So be patient grasshopper. That's what I keep telling myself. Maybe mind reading but it's a good thought
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
this is out of my league, but I wish you the best! any news that is not bad news is good news!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Thx pilot, the childhood issues with her dad are a big part of her unhappiness. She has been writing him letters for all 17yrs of our m. She just hasn't sent them. Always same theme I never wanted anything from you dad but your love and support. Always writing about situation s in her past where he let her down. Anyway bro in law told me he is going to get together with her and talk about her dad and the negative impact he has had on him and his m. Anyway Pilot look what you have to look forward to when your w turns late 40's. In all seriousness there could be an underlying issue in your w childhood. Hang in there if your not living w her she may realize you aren't the cause of her unhappiness. The unhappiness may follow her
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Its funny you mention late 40s because last Sept. when this first dropped on me, the 'conclusion' I came to was that my W was having a MLC. I had read some articles about women in their early 30s having them...as if 30 was the new 40. Now having read thousands of pages more, I would guess those articles probably mistook MLC for WAW. At any rate, I am 40, so I either have to marry another early 30something, or go early 50s to miss out in that danger window! hah!
You could be onto something about your W and her dad issues. Even if so, do not bank on that being the sole factor, or even major factor. In all likelihood, it was a combination of a bunch of straws that broke the camels back. I only say that as cautionary, not to undermine your own much more astute observations regarding your W.
I get what you say about underlying issue in my W childhood, and the MC already dove into my W and her dad, and how she is afraid of him (emotionally, not physically). Funny thing is she ALWAYS made it a point to say how her dad and I were nothing alike. Probably because her dad always said he was just like me. Ugg...that just reminded me of a major ego blow. Her family (near and extended) always thought of me as this "super smart millionaire". And while I was never fond of that description, now they must see me as an average broke guy. I like that much less.
As for her realizing I am not the cause of her unhappiness, I am sure that realization will come one day. Not tomorrow, and not next month. And probably not for a long time if our D turns sour. But at some point, as I think many WAS realize, she will understand EVERY relationship takes efforts, and that happiness is an inner project. So as much as I would love to sit back and bank on this strategy, I wouldn't last long if I held my breath on it.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Pilot, yes on not only cause of my w unhappiness. It just was and is still a problem with her that affects her in many ways. During our m the only time we ever had fights was about issues with her dad or her brother. I just wanted everyone to get along. Didn't quite understand how this impacted her. That's part of my frustration is her lack of desire to see a shrink about this. She is afraid to deal with it. It is a major negative in her life and at mlc age it is a big underlying issue with her. That's the frustration
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Pilot funny you mention they thought you were funny smart millionaire. Now an avg.broke guy. My wife and I were in very good financial shape 7 -8 yrs ago. My bizz. Was rocking, all investments were good. All good, then 09 real estate crash, mkt.crash, was a disaster for us. Almost went belly up w business. Now her dad looks at me the same way.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
