I so get the fixing things, In our heads, we think, but we love them, we want to help them. We want to pull them out of it all. We do what we know.
I know this seems counterintuitive to what you should be doing. I know it's so hard for you. You are so hard on yourself, S. It's ok to not completely get this at this point.
The thing is that as long as he looks to you to fix it, he doesnt look within to address what he needs to. It becomes about Shining and whether she can make it all better.
I know you are scared. I know the suicide thing is huge. But he knows you love him. He knows you care...without a single doubt. He does.
So, let's play this out a bit. You tell him what he wants to hear. He comes back without figuring out what was wrong and why he was unhappy. Time goes by and that hole in him is still there. He is still broken. You changed, he didnt. You did the work, he didnt. You were a bandaid.
I am sorry you feel lonely and lost. This is a hard, hard thing. But weak? You? Not one bit, S. Weak doesnt stick it out. Weak doesnt take control and get stuff done and take care of what needs taken care of.
Im thinking that you have some stuff you need to work on. It's ok not to fix everything. It's ok to let others figure stuff out. It isnt a reflection on you, right?
The suicide thing has me paralyzed. I think of this all the time. He suffers from more ailments than depression. It's counterintuitive to not be there for him, but I do get it....if I don't get out of his way, I'm not allowing him to walk his own journey. I'm ultimately hurting him more. I do want him to come through this whole. He is my H, and I committed long ago to love him enough to see him through this. Not interrupt the process and set him up for worse.
I'll get it together. I just feel so lonely, lost and weak.... I have to remember he's even worse.
Given the fact that it takes a long, long time....and we have zero control over the time they need to get though it, do they, themselves have any control over this?
I know the general thought is we can't speed it up, but if we are in their way, we can be slowing their process.
Can an MLCer make a conscious decision to stop replay activities? Or does it take as long as it takes regardless.... Or is there an event or epiphany they have that makes them slow down and stop, pushing them to the next phase? Or is it believed to be simply a cycle of development that happens in it's own time?
I know they can bounce all over the stages, and I'm not stage obsessed because I know he's in replay and not near the low end.
Shining you have asked one of the big questions. UR gave you fabulous and insightful advice. What you are asking is still a 'fixer' question.
The MLCer upbringing, one way or another, failed to give our spouses or ex spouses, the flexibility and resilience to deal with relationships and life events. They manage it for a while - often a very long time, some MLCers including mine managed it for more than 50 years.
Theoretically they could stop replay- and some do. Perhaps those whose MLC is not as serious,, but I do not know this for sure. It certainly isn't about 'whether they love us enough' Which is a typical pursuer/distancer take on it, I have come to see.
My therapist believes that they are fighting for their lives, in psychological terms, and like drowning people, aren't taking time to think about next week or if they are killing their attempted rescuer.
I think there are turning points for all of them, when they 'could' come out and get help, or plunge deeper into the crisis, but we do not know what their internal mindscape is.
Facing up to the damage and hurt takes a lot of resilience, and courage, and MLCers are running scared, and not resilient.
One of the hardest things is to take the focus of them and place it on ourselves. This is his journey, and he needs to be 'allowed' to make it. Lord knows I tried to rescue my h, and probably made things worse.
Thank you, beatrice. My H "MO" is fear. In thinking about the talk of his moving into an apartment, I believe he is more fearful of being alone than he thought he would be. As if he thought all would be so great once this happens, and now the realization is hitting him "be careful what you wish for."
H made this decision back when he had ow....5 months ago.... Now he doesn't. H never intended on living with her, but the thought of a bachelor pad was probably appealing, and I don't think the dating scene is all h thought it would be. Things have changed in him since this proclamation of living alone was made, and now he has to live with this choice.
I know H will have to learn for himself. One of the things his stepmom told me early on (she has always been very close with H) is that she was always concerned about H because he never lived alone. Never had to do everything for himself. He is capable of everything physically, but emotionally.... Not so much. One of H kids may be with him for up to a month while getting situated for his new job, but then it's flying solo....
H has not been sleeping well.... I frequently receive texts or a phone game activity at 3-4am. (I don't see it until I wake up, and I certainly wouldn't respond to a text at that hour unless it's an emergency.). He also complains that his eyes hurt. Like, they're stinging...
He can't keep surviving on fumes like this....something will have to give.
Love Bea's insight. Just a word of advice,when I hear people say "he/she can't go on like this" or "they will crash soon" (and I say this because I do understand his you fee, my friend), don't be so sure on that. They can spiral for a long time. I don't say that to discourage you. I say that as you really have to let him be.
Focus on the fabulous Shining! Good luck with the interviews this week. You can stick the landing:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Sorry about that post up there. I wanted to address what you wrote and then forgot to delete your part of the post. My bad.
My friend, Bea, is right. Have some of them looked at what they were doing and stopped the bad behaviors? Yes. Did it decrease the crisis time? I dont believe so.
These MLCers were stunted sometime during their lives when coping skills were learned. So, when a life event or a birthday or the feeling that life is passing them by hits them, they are unable to deal with it.
Until they can figure that out, they flounder.
This crisis it horrific. On everyone. They feel as if they are carrying 1000 pounds on their back. They try everything to feel better.
Your h probably is having some thoughts about how this is all going. Not the way he planned, I'm sure. But that is a great distance from him understanding the reasons why.
Living on his own will bring some clarity perhaps. But whether he connects the dots...that remains to be seen.
I know that trying to understand this seems crucial. The truth is that we cant possibly truly understand because we arent in crisis.
You are still trying to get inside his head. I get why you are. The thing is there is no way of being able to do it.
I know that as long as you can try to analyze it, you dont have to let it go. But you really do have to take a leap of faith here, S. You just have to let go of wanting to fix it and understand it.
My friend, Bea, is right. Have some of them looked at what they were doing and stopped the bad behaviors? Yes. Did it decrease the crisis time? I dont believe so.
This is helpful. I'm definitely seeing some different thoughts and behaviors from H lately. I do understand it's not a linear process, and he may very likely cycle right back where he was and keep running in replay for years. Just taking note of some of his recent comments and other observations, some I have posted, some I haven't.
He is realizing that so many things in my life have changed without him. My appearance, for one. My job, for two. My church, for three. My kids lives, for 4-7. And probably biggest of all, my reactions to him. Huge difference. He knows I'm busy and moving forward, but yes, he knows I'm still here for him. He doesn't want me to take the job downtown if I receive an offer. He said it will add an extra hour each way of commuting time (he is right). Why this concerns someone who doesn't want to be with me, I don't know. He is worried I will move back to my home state. He asked a lot of questions about my xh. He secured an apartment in the next city, but I just learned it is actually less than one mile from mine and right up the street. If he wanted to be away from me, or be closer to his work, there were many other options. Why didn't he go farther away when he could? He brought up counseling. This is twice now. I know he's not ready, but he's thinking. Typically I would have taken the conversation further and followed up with questions asking if he wants to go. Both times, I didn't. I let it hang and if this is what he wants he will have to bring it up and make his own appointment.
In many ways, I am stuck because I can't let go. But there are also some major changes I have made already, especially for the amount of time I have known what was going on.
I hate that I'm not very far into this. I don't know for sure when BD was, and I don't put much stock into the timeline because it doesn't matter. I can only deal with what I have today. However, if I consider BD to be the fight before suicide attempt, that puts me at 8 months. If I consider BD when I found out about ow... 4 months. If I consider it the first time H made a speech, told me there was something not right inside of him, he doesn't know why, he knows he loves me but his feelings are different, we're talking a little over 2 years.
Again, nothing matters because there are people going on over 9 years, so there is no way to predict anything.
I have doubts that H will ever be able to look at himself, because when I see his family, brothers, dad, etc....it's actually a family joke among the wives, that the men are never at fault for anything. That everything has to be their idea. That the men don't apologize.... Ugh. However, I have hope. My H was always more sensitive than the rest. He noticed those things, even when he did them. The other wives would say how lucky I was that I had one who could admit fault.... We'll see.
I'm completely flailing my way through this. But I agree 100%, uR, the only way through it, is through it.
Shining, uRwprthy is correct that the mlcer was stunted emotionally as a young adult/child many years ago and they need to go back to that time and resolve issues surrounding that period in their lives.
I have reposted the first thread from a thread that I created back in 2002 on "My Thoughts As To Why They Run Away". If haven't read this posting, you may want to do so. It may help you better understand what is happening w/your h. Your h's crisis will take as long as it takes and he is the only one that can end it. He may realize at some point that something is wrong w/him and opt for counseling, but many of them do not.
Some people have "snatched" them out of crisis and find out later that their spouses have re-entered the crisis at a later time and that crisis will be far worse than the first time around.
Shining, you truly will not understand what is going on inside his head until he's ready to talk to you about it. Some will eventually sit down and tell you bits and pieces and others will do so once the crisis is over...until then, you've got to take a leap of faith and allow the man upstairs to work on him. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Trust me, it takes a lot of strength, determination, faith and patience to let them go and make the mistakes that they need to make in order for them to grow up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
