New here, my fairytale gone wrong

[fthnluv]

I guess what *might* change is my desire to stand. I am a Christian and that is the utmost importance to me so between that and my still intense love for H and hope that our R can be reconciled I want to stand (and for my kids, of course). But, as he has been unfaithful, I am released from the bonds of this M if I want to be and can remarry one day if I wish and still be ok with God. I'm not saying I want that, I'm just not sure that if I find out that he has been unfaithful all along maybe he's not the guy I've always thought he was and maybe I would not desire to reconcile so badly. Yes, it could be more painful, for sure. I'm just not sure I really wanna reconcile with a guy who is more than going through a MLC, he has a major character flaw if he is a serial cheater (and by default then, liar).

CA (my state) is a no fault state but he currently lives in PA and filed for there, it has both fault and no-fault options but to do no-fault you have to be separated for 2 years (which he is lying that we have been and I may need to contest to protect my interest in his business as well as his interest in the car loan he had me get back in June). I might tell him to withdraw filing in PA and file in CA (as he just wants to get it done fast, and he can since I live here) but I'm waiting to talk to the lawyer tomorrow before I reveal that info to him.

[MrBond]

"I am released from the bonds of this M if I want to be and can remarry one day if I wish and still be ok with God."

Well if it's okay with God, then move on. Don't let faith be your excuse to do something or not to do something. I took it the other way. When my W had her A, I decided to stand on the Word and follow my initial vows ... "for better or worse". But that's all up to the individual.

Don't rely just on faith. God offers you the opportunity and the choice to do certain things. What you do with those is up to you.

[fthnluv]

MrBond... yes, that has been a thought of mine as well, I vowed to love him "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others 'til death do us part" he also vowed the same including the very important "forsaking all others" but he does not seem to care about all of that now. I WANT so badly to stand, and not just because of my faith (although that is a big part of why) but also because I, too, believe in the sanctity of our vows and for our children and family until and also because I love him so deeply.

I guess my confusion lies in the idea that maybe I didn't really know him at all, ever, and that he has always been a totally different person than I thought. I guess I'm afraid I have been living a lie, for more than just the last 1 1/2 years but for 23 years. Do I want to keep my vows to THAT guy? I'm not so sure about that. I deserve better than that. My kids deserve better than that.

I'm not even sure I could ever find out, for sure, if he's a serial cheater. I'm just struggling with the idea if I should even pursue that idea at all.

[bdub]

fth,

Have you explored the idea that you may be more in love with being married than you are in love with your H?

I allow myself to think about this idea daily. I still have not decided where I stand on that issue and honestly I am ok with it.

[MrBond]

"I guess my confusion lies in the idea that maybe I didn't really know him at all, ever, and that he has always been a totally different person than I thought."

You've known him for 23 years. I'm sure you "know" him. But people change. It's how life is. We all evolve. The advantage you have is the fact that you have been with him for that long. What have his behaviors changed to? What does he like? Dislike? Use those facts to your advantage. Don't overly do it, but apply what you know here and there.

[fthnluv]

Talked to H. He still hasn't talked to his attorney about the tax situation. I told him that if he does not want to do the tax deal together for timing purposes he needs to consider that I will contest the date of separation (and win) and then the divorce will be 2 years away and there is no reason to not do the IRS thing together. He still wants to talk to his attorney. I told him I will not stop the divorce if the date is right and he is taking care of the tax debt together, that I might even be willing to do a "mutual consent" divorce (that type of D doesn't take 2 years) if we can agree on everything and wait to completely settle the tax stuff before the divorce is final. I haven't mentioned him filing in CA yet, he hasn't said he knows either. He is eager to settle as quickly and cheaply as possible. I also told him I'm not too concerned with the value if his business if we can agree on all other areas (because, according to my attorney, it may have little to no value as H is the only one that can do it, and even if it does it will cost $5-10K to even find out, not a chance I can afford to take).

We then discussed D4's upcoming birthday party and it's clear he leaning towards not coming because he "doesn't want people looking down their nose at me" because of what they know. I told him most people do not know the whole story and if he gets looks or attitudes simply because he is divorcing me that is the choice he's made and he has to deal with the consequences of it. I told him that people, naturally, are not going to react with kindness to him divorcing me after I stood by him for 23 years and he will have to deal with that. I pointed out that he, again, is putting his feelings and needs above those of his kids and that he needs to do the right thing by them, even if it's uncomfortable for him. He said he would think about it. He's so selfish right now I think I give it about a 2 out of 10 of happening. Selfish jerk, his needs above everyone else's and not able to stand the consequences of the choices HE'S made! Ugh.

[fthnluv]

fth,
Have you explored the idea that you may be more in love with being married than you are in love with your H?

That is a very deep question. That may be the case for sure. I do know that I now feel "less than" those that are happily coupled or in a happy family. Gonna have to think about that.

[fthnluv]

Doing some soul searching tonight. Why do I feel the need to be in a M that everyone envies? I know that the fact that H is filing for D from me makes me feel as though people will think that there is something wrong with ME, not him, as, prior to this he was universally loved. All my life I have been teased about being "too perfect". I think I somehow now feel like I have failed in this area and that I am letting people down. Most people don't understand MLC fully (if they buy it as a reason at all) and I think I'm so concerned about how this makes me look less than perfect. I never thought I wanted to appear perfect, I know I am not, but maybe, just maybe, this is the one area I felt WAS perfect and for that to be shattered it's almost as if I, as a person, am now shattered and a failure.

I find myself wanting to go out and find a new "Mr. Right" now, to feel the love and affection I am missing so much... Clearly, it is WAY too early and I need to learn to stand on my own as a single, and not part of a perfect twosome before I am even close to being ready to be in a healthy relationship, with H or anyone else. I know this, it's just interesting thoughts going through my head. This, his MLC, is obviously going to force me to go on a journey to discover myself and who I am and what being me means. I'm scared, to be honest.

[Matt165]

Hi fth,
I see much of myself in you when I was at the same point in this as you are. I don't believe that you are "in love with being married". I thought about that one long and hard. I think that, like me, you took your vows VERY seriously. You picked a partner that also swore that they did the same and also showed that for many, many years. I disagree with "..people evolve..." to me when someone becomes as selfish as MLCers all seem to become, that, IMO, is "devolving", not evolving. I understand what others are trying to say when they talk about people "changing" or "doing what they want...now". But to me when people go against every value and moral that they ever held, it's not just that they simply "changed their mind" and we LBS's need to respect that they have that "right". No, I see this more as an affliction. When you have known someone for as long and as well as you and I (and many others on here) have known our S's and they suddenly become the type of person that they always swore they never would become, the type of person that if it was someone else behaving in the same way in the past they would have hated, that is not just simply "changing their mind". That being said, whether or not it is an affliction, we still need to accept that this is now who they are and act accordingly.

I want to say something that I know will be hard for you to accept. It will be hard for you to believe possible and you will have a hard time dealing with.... but I found this out the hard way as have many others....Do not expect your H to stand by ANYTHING that he may "agree" to do or not do when it comes to the D process. He may say right to your face that yes, he will agree to wait because of the IRS situation (I also am in the middle of an IRS problem so I understand) and then turn around and do exactly what he said he wouldn't. Do not believe a single thing that he agree's to. I did that and I was burned every time. You are right when you say "He has become so selfish...", yes that is MLC in a nut shell. They will say one thing and do the opposite without a second thought.

You are trying to think through this process and do what is in everyone's best interest. You are able to understand that it may be best to wait until the tax sitch is done. Your H doesn't understand anything except that he wants out of the M. He is all about him and his "new life" and will suspect that anything you do that will delay him getting the "freedom" he so desires is just a ploy to stop him from getting what he wants. You are now the "enemy", the cause for his not being happy and he will do whatever HE wants and he won't think about the consequences, to you, him, the kids, it simply doesn't matter to him right now.

A couple things....there is a part of him that knows what he is doing is wrong, it just doesn't matter to him right now. That is why he is expecting people to "look down their noses" at him. Now, that doesn't mean he will stop doing it, it's just that he expects people to see him that way. Pointing out to him at this time that what he is doing is wrong and that's why people will look at him in a bad light isn't helping the sitch. When you do that all you are doing is cementing in his mind that you are "judging" him and will push him even farther away. When you do that he can "blame" you for how other's react or for trying to guilt him. Let him feel it on his own without you telling him he is "wrong" (and I know how badly you want him to see that, believe me!). I understand that you want to be able to do things like birthdays as a family in the future. Of course you do as that is what would be best for the kids as time goes on. But right now you need to just invite him and let it go. In fact, even inviting him may be too much. Just let him know what the plans are and that he is welcome to come if he wants and leave it at that. Don't give reasons why it is better for him to come or not. Allow him to make the choice totally on his own. If he says "people will look down their noses" just let that go and say, "Do whatever you want" and stop talking. Don't argue your point, just let him make his own choice and leave it at that.

As for if he has "cheated" in the past and if you should try and find out....I really don't see a way to find out as he doesn't feel the need to be honest with you about anything. He is cheating on you now, MLC or not, and he is shopping for wedding bands at the same time he was saying to your face that there was "no one else". That's all you need to know. Do what you feel you want as the most likely outcome is going to be that you and your H end up D'd. That doesn't mean that he may not come through this and you end up back together at some point in the future but you need to start doing whatever it is you want for YOU. Do things because it's what you want, not because of any effect it may have on your H or M. It took me so long to start doing things not because it was what was best for me but because I was hoping for a certain reaction from my W. You know that's what you are doing. I know because I did the same thing. The sooner you can stop doing that and start doing things because it's what you want and how your H reacts makes no difference, the better. It's not easy, I know but you really have to get there, fth.

You are still early in this process fth. You are asking the right questions and you will get through this. It's not easy, you didn't choose to be here but you will come through this! In the meantime remember we're here for you and we have your back!

[fthnluv]

we still need to accept that this is now who they are and act accordingly.

This is certainly a hard truth. H claims to love the new person he has become and does not want to change back to the "doormat" he now perceives himself to be in the past. It didn't seem that way at all to me (or others) but he has certainly dug in his heels on how much he loves this "new" guy. At the same time, he claims to, and shows signs of becoming more religious (but, then again, I only see him about 15% of his life the past 2 years and who knows what he does in that area the other 85%) and this goes against every religious principle he claims to desire to follow. He admits that this is a sin, he is just not turning away from it and is resting on the idea that he will be forgiven. It's obvious that I need to give him the space and time to work through this on his own and see what part of the H I love so dearly is left when it is all said and done. Of course, I still want to reconcile, more than about anything, I'm just trying to adjust to the fact that the H I loved for 23 years is likely gone forever and the "new" H may or may not want to come back and, even if he does, I may not want him back depending on who the H at that time is.

Do not expect your H to stand by ANYTHING that he may "agree" to do or not do when it comes to the D process.

Eeek! That is not something I really considered. I guess I just figured if we could agree to everything and get it in writing he would not change his mind or do something different. You are right, though, and I need to prepare for that possibility, which may cause me to do things a little differently, protecting myself and my kids even better.

Let him feel it on his own without you telling him he is "wrong" (and I know how badly you want him to see that, believe me!).

You are right, I definitely want him to know and feel and see what he is doing is wrong. I guess I think somehow if he sees the truth he will "snap out of it" and we will have our life back. I know that's not going to happen but a part of me must still want to give it the tiny chance it has. The other thing I've been thinking is that since he is living across the country now he may simply just be a no-show as far as family events are concerned for a year or 2 and by the time he finally shows his face again most of the anger and disdain that both my family and his will have towards him will have settled some. Cowardly way of living but it totally fits his whole "all about me and my needs and how I feel" attitude these days. Ugh. Does he get no negative repercussions? When he is in PA with the OW "we", as a couple, were not known to the community so he just gets to live as if he's a guy who was always single and now found this great love and no one is the wiser as to the truth of cheating and leaving me and the kids. My resentment about this and the fact that he is spending the $ that he is finally earning after me standing by him for 23 years on OW is really getting to me. It's just wrong on so many levels!

Do things because it's what you want, not because of any effect it may have on your H or M. It took me so long to start doing things not because it was what was best for me but because I was hoping for a certain reaction from my W. You know that's what you are doing.

I'm sure you are right about this. Sometimes I actually know I am doing things to get a certain, hoped for, reaction from H (which almost always fails) and other times I think it is somewhat unknowing. I know I also do many things and make many decisions based on fear, fear of never getting him back, fear of our financial future, fear of how my kids are going to be damaged from the D, fear that I will never love or be loved like the love we used to have again, fear of the unknown in general. I am faithful so I believe that it will all come out for the good in the end but it is still scary. I saw someone post a picture on FB that said "I know when God closes a door he always opens a window... but these hallways are a b%tch!" LOL! That's totally how I feel right now.