W just dropped the kids off and stuck around to chat about tomorrow- she's coming over to work on the house. Talked about all kinds of plans - redoing bathrooms, painting, planting new bushes, etc.
Thinking of shooting her a text asking her to send me the letter so I can send it tomorrow
No. You do not send the letter. It is your W's responsibility to send it to the OM after you've read it and approved it.
You and W must extricate yourselves from the OM completely after the NC letter has been sent out. And be on the high alert for OM's attempts to suck W back with his begging, pleading, or covert attempts to contact/communicate with W in any way.
-Do not agree to meet with OM anywhere (either W alone or together) -Do not respond to OM -Do not acknowledge any of OM's texts, emails, phone calls or smoke signals
Sent W an email late Fri night saying I was frustrated with her lack of urgency in drafting a no contact letter. Asked for her thoughts on when it would be complete as well as when she would be prepared to share passwords, etc. No response, other than texting me on Sat saying she was tired from work and was going to her girlfriend's sisters for a cookout. Originally she had talked of coming over to the house.
Sunday she came over and spent all day cleaning house, scrubbing floors, making a list of all the things we need to do around the house (interesting considering she doesn't live there right now). Anyways, at one point I brought up the email and we had a chat- basically she feels that I'm being controlling with all of my 'demands'. Told her I could see her point as one major complaint she had about our M was that I came across as her 'father' and here I am saying 'do this, share this, etc.' Slippery slope, so I may wait for MC to discuss further. She admitted that she still goes back and forth on trying to work things out, mainly because she's finally feeling good about herself and fears I'm going to ask A details. Once I find out everything, I'll shame her and bail and she'll be left feeling terrible again. I can see her point. She thinks I'm going to be so focused on that, that I wont address any of our previous M issues.
Conversation ended on a positive note- I won't use the word 'cuddle', but she laid in my arms for a few mins, admitted she missed my friendship and we talked about going on a date this week.
W spent the night (in D10's room) and we went to the zoo yesterday as a family. Plenty of positive interaction and good times. She went to leave last night and we talked about the week's plans. She's planning on coming over Wed night for dinner and may stay the night. She also mentioned her and I going out on a date one night this week.
My goal- in about 3 weeks, I have a friend's wedding near our favorite vacation spot. My hope is that W and I will be in a good enough place that we can go together, make it a long weekend and just enjoy each other's company for a few days. I've mentioned it a couple times to W and she seems interested, but I haven't outright asked her. Will probably be a last minute decision based on how things are going.
Funny side story- was at a friend's get together on Sun talking to a girl I had just met when she asked if I was single or had a girlfriend (for a different reason than you think). When I told her actually I was married, I noticed she immediately glanced at my ring finger. She probably thought I was the guy who takes his ring off to go to a party and hit on girls!
I think her stalling at sending the no-contact letter is a problem. When is your MC appt?
My wife did the EXACT same thing, and I never wavered on it. If you back down on this, she's going to see that your "dealbreakers" and core boundaries are really more "geeIwishyouwouldn't's."
I think her stalling at sending the no-contact letter is a problem. When is your MC appt?
A week from today. I waffle on it because I do want to stand my ground, but I also see how it comes across as controlling. And if she's not 'there' yet, I fear it may push her away further. But I also wonder if she's lumping the no contact letter and sharing of phone, passwords, etc into 1 package deal. She even mentioned this weekend that she knows I would just look back into past emails looking for something to harass her about. I'd be constantly digging for something.
Do I offer to postpone the sharing until we discuss in MC, but insist on the no contact letter now? Or just wait for next week for all of it?
Either this letter really WAS something you needed in order to feel safe in the marriage again . . . truly a core boundary/"dealbreaker" for you . . . or it wasn't.
If it WASN'T, then the very fact that you demanded that she send one WOULD be "controlling" and just more of the same, would it not?
And if it WAS, you wouldn't waver on it.
It's all in the TONE of how you say it (and I wouldn't recommend email for this reason). If you lovingly say "Look, if I were you I wouldn't want to send it either, but I'm afraid it's a dealbreaker for me. I really do need this in order to feel safe in the marriage again." (or something very similar)
There are really two different (but both very important) issues here: one is your wife conveying in no uncertain terms to her OM that their affair is OVER, that she is working on her marriage with Tarheel, and he is not to contact her -- ever again.
The other is some willingness from her to give you what you need here. Particularly if the words "I'm sorry" are not going to be coming from her lips anytime soon, ACTIONS such as these are all the more important. It's a sign that she "gets it," and is willing to "do whatever it takes" to work on the marriage again with you.
I think her stalling at sending the no-contact letter is a problem. When is your MC appt?
A week from today. I waffle on it because I do want to stand my ground, but I also see how it comes across as controlling. And if she's not 'there' yet, I fear it may push her away further.
Like I said in my two previous posts, this really IS a dealbreaker for you . . . or it isn't. But you need to DITCH THE FEAR. If you were afraid that insisting your kids not keep drugs in the house would push them away from you, would you simply acquiesce? Or is it a core boundary?
If it's only a week, I would save it for MC, provided you know ahead of time what the MC's position is going to be on it. In fact I'd strongly recommend you have a conversation ahead of time to make sure he/she has your back on this.
She's got you under her lil' thumb. I find it very interesting that she's throwing the "being controlling" card at you knowing that you'd back off and go back to your cowering self. Attractive? Not so much.
This is a very standard operative line that the WAS throw at us when we set a boundary on no-OM/OW. They throw out "you're being too controlling."
It is not at all that different from a 2-year old stomping his feet and telling you "I hate you!" when told not to do certain thing(s).
There is a part of me that is niggling at me with some concern that W is still in touch with the OM in some fashion.
